I was listening to the carols playing in the shopping centres the other day and the song "Grown Up Christmas List" came on. For those who don't know the song it's about the things you wish for when you are an adult - "no more lives torn apart, that wars would never start, and time would heal all hearts" is a line from the song. It's always been one of my favourites and it gets me thinking about the "grown up" things that I now wish for each Christmas.
I'm sure you all know by now that my sister and I are not in contact with each other. I have mentioned a few times about her problems and about the many times my family has tried to offer her help and been burned from that generosity. I think I have also mentioned that she has two kids - my nephew A and my niece C (who are ages 12 and 10). What I don't think I have gone into much detail about is that fact that myself and my mum and dad (the kids grandparents obviously) do not get to see A and C, and we haven't for about 18 months now.
It is something that really makes us sad because obviously we love and miss them. Because of my sisters history it is hard to trust what she says. So all we know is that for whatever reason the children went to live with their father around June 2009 and my sister now does not have contact with them. Whether that is her choice, or whether she legally is not allowed access because of her behaviour/psychological state we don't know. At the time that their dad R took them in he said to my parents that he wanted us in their lives and that we should feel free to call, visit etc. He then proceeded to move and not forward an address and to change all his ph numbers. For 18 months we have not known even what suburb they lived in. My sister claimed to not have an address. We have not been able to see them or send them a birthday present. Finally through various means we have tracked down an address for them. We were able to send them Christmas gifts and a card this year and we hope to get a response. But you know what? It turned out that all this time my sister did have the address and was pretending she didn't so as to deny us the contact. Lord only knows what she is thinking at times.
So that brings me to my four Christmas wishes on my grown up Christmas list:
1. That Joel, Xavier and I continue to be a happy healthy family so that Xav will never know what it is like to have such a disjointed family. I never want him to doubt that he is loved and I never want him to feel like he is alone. I worry that with the lack of contact A and C have with their mum and with us, that they must wonder whether anyone cares for them. I hope their dad is doing his best to fill the void.
2. I really want to see my niece and nephew and to know that they are happy. We have it on good authority that they are doing very well. A has always had a severe weight problem and since moving in with his dad apparently he has lost almost 30kg. I am so proud of him. I would love to hear their voices and be able to send them gifts on their bdays and easter etc. I want Xavier to meet his big cousins who were so excited to meet him when he was born. They havent seen him since he was about 4 months old.
3. I want my sister to come to her senses and get some help for herself and get her life back on track. I hope someday she will. I can't say that I will ever be able to be close with her or that i will ever want her in my life again. But i do genuinely wish her the best and I pray she finds what she needs.
and finally 4. It pains me to see people who have been able to have children easily not realise how wonderful a gift they are. Especially when all of you wonderful people are here fighting to bring home your miracle who you haven't even met yet. Other people already have their miracles and yet they don't fight for them, to make sure that they are secure and happy. I wish so hard this Christmas that 2011 will bring your baby into your arms in whatever way is appropriate.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A bit of everything...
Hi everyone. As always I am very sorry for the absence of my posting. Life gets busy for me sometimes and I feel as well that I don't always have something worthwhile to say. Please know that I do log on every day and read all YOUR blog entries and so I am always up to date in what is going on in your world, even though you might not be up to date with mine haha.
I have so much to catch you all up on. Xavier is going so so well after his surgery in Sept. He is coming along in leaps and bounds, running around now. You wouldn't know he ever had trouble with his sight, other than he is still learning to use his fingers rather than his whole hand to do certain things. For example if he is wanting to pick up a small piece of food he will try to pick it up in a fist and put it into his mouth. If you tried to do the same you will see it is very difficult! We are trying to teach him that if he uses his fingers to pick up smaller things it works a whole lot better. We are doing different activities with him to encourage this - like drawing on a chalk board with a piece of chalk etc to try to get him to use his finger tips more. We have also started taking him to a speech therapist because the paediatrician said he is a little delayed in his language skills, which he feels is also related to the vision problems. The speech therapist agreed she thinks the same thing. She said part of learning to talk is converting what we see into words to describe it. Because there was a time when his vision was limited obviously there is going to be a gap there. He is making good progress with this as well and we are really proud of all he has overcome.
Xavier's daycare have said he has come along so much they feel that next year he should go up to the next room level. This is to do with his age as well as it is the 2 year old room and he will be 2 in Jan, but there was talk at one stage that because he was so behind with his walking etc and was not mobile that they were going to delay moving him up until mid year in 2011. With all the progress he has made though they have changed their tune and said it is definitely time to move him into the room with the bigger kids. I know it's just daycare but I am still so proud of him for proving them wrong, and for being the sweet stubborn boy he is and not backing down. He just keeps plugging away at everything until it clicks. It never bothers him if he doesn't get something right away, he just maintains his happy demeanour and keeps working until one day he can do it. Joel and I both say that of course it worked out that he was the embryo that "stuck" during our IVF journey. It is just like our boy to grab on and say "right I am here now, I am NOT going anywhere". Joel says he is just like me and that makes me happy.
We had a bit of a scare with Xav recently and had him in the emergency room. We wondered if he was outgrowing his cot (crib I think they are called in the states) and we thought we would try him with sleeping in a toddler bed. I found one that was an absolute bargain on ebay and I assembled it and we put it in his room for a few nights so he could see it. Then on Thurs night we decided we would see if he would sleep in it. Joel and I sat in the room with him and Joel read him a story while i stroked his forehead as he lay in bed. The story Joel picked up was one about an octopus that Xavier just loves and at one stage Xav got excited by one of the funny pics in the book and sat up to see it better. He then leant forward and put his hand out to touch the book but misjudged it and toppled over the side of the bed onto the floor. He started crying, and while we were ready to kiss and cuddle him we were not too concerned about the severity of the fall as this toddler bed was so low to the ground. Still we thought it probably would have given him a little bump and a fright. He was cuddling into Joel having a cry when to our astonishment and shock he passed out. My first thought was that he had suffered a larger knock to the head than what I thought, and that he had a head injury/concussion. Joel and I both tried to rouse him by shaking him and tapping his face and yelling his name. I ran to the phone to call an ambulance but as I went to run I heard him cry again and Joel yelled to me that he was awake. It felt like forever but he would have only been out maybe 10 seconds. He seemed fine when he woke up but we rushed him to the Emergency room. The doctor there was very nice and checked him thoroughly and was so nice to us. He said there is no way Xavier had a head injury of any kind and especially since the height that I described him falling from was barely off the ground. He said Xav had a breath holding spell. Apparently when babies and toddlers get a fright or get upset or angry or shocked about something it is a common reflex that they hold their breath, and if a person holds their breath too long obviously they are going to pass out. The doctor said the fall most likely gave Xavier a fright and while he was crying he got worked up and held his breath and fainted. He said he has seen many kids do it just from their older sibling taking a toy off them or something. They get angry and start crying then all of a sudden they faint. I was very glad that it was something so minor. I have done some research into it and asked a few friends and to my amazement it is VERY common and a number of my friends have experienced it with their own kids. I think when you have a child more doctors should warn you about it. It's weird that it is supposed to be so common yet I had never had it mentioned to me before.
Last of all, my mum came over for coffee tonight and got more than she bargained for! Joel had gone to bed early as he had a really busy day at work. It is very very hot here is AUS at the moment as we are a few weeks from summer and Joel hates the heat and will often sleep with not much on! My mum and I were sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee and chatting. I was facing the bedroom and my mum was sitting opposite me with her back to the bedroom. Joel must have gotten up to go to the bathroom (which you have to walk through our kitchen to get to) and in his half asleep state had not realised that my mum had come over. All of a sudden I am sitting there chatting to my mum when a stark naked Joel appears behind my mum! He was all bleary eyed and still asleep, then all of a sudden a look of shock registered on his face and he turned around and ran back into the bedroom. I started laughing in shock and my mum turned around to see what I was laughing at and just caught sight of Joel's naked bum disappearing into the bedroom. She realised what had happened and joined in my laughter. Joel came out a few minutes later fully clothed and embarrassed. Mum told him not to worry as it was nothing she hasn't seen before hahaha.
It's nearly 1am here so I am yawning as I write this. I better sign off! Sorry for the novel and I will try to be a better blogger and write soon. xoxoxoxox to you all!! Jo
I have so much to catch you all up on. Xavier is going so so well after his surgery in Sept. He is coming along in leaps and bounds, running around now. You wouldn't know he ever had trouble with his sight, other than he is still learning to use his fingers rather than his whole hand to do certain things. For example if he is wanting to pick up a small piece of food he will try to pick it up in a fist and put it into his mouth. If you tried to do the same you will see it is very difficult! We are trying to teach him that if he uses his fingers to pick up smaller things it works a whole lot better. We are doing different activities with him to encourage this - like drawing on a chalk board with a piece of chalk etc to try to get him to use his finger tips more. We have also started taking him to a speech therapist because the paediatrician said he is a little delayed in his language skills, which he feels is also related to the vision problems. The speech therapist agreed she thinks the same thing. She said part of learning to talk is converting what we see into words to describe it. Because there was a time when his vision was limited obviously there is going to be a gap there. He is making good progress with this as well and we are really proud of all he has overcome.
Xavier's daycare have said he has come along so much they feel that next year he should go up to the next room level. This is to do with his age as well as it is the 2 year old room and he will be 2 in Jan, but there was talk at one stage that because he was so behind with his walking etc and was not mobile that they were going to delay moving him up until mid year in 2011. With all the progress he has made though they have changed their tune and said it is definitely time to move him into the room with the bigger kids. I know it's just daycare but I am still so proud of him for proving them wrong, and for being the sweet stubborn boy he is and not backing down. He just keeps plugging away at everything until it clicks. It never bothers him if he doesn't get something right away, he just maintains his happy demeanour and keeps working until one day he can do it. Joel and I both say that of course it worked out that he was the embryo that "stuck" during our IVF journey. It is just like our boy to grab on and say "right I am here now, I am NOT going anywhere". Joel says he is just like me and that makes me happy.
We had a bit of a scare with Xav recently and had him in the emergency room. We wondered if he was outgrowing his cot (crib I think they are called in the states) and we thought we would try him with sleeping in a toddler bed. I found one that was an absolute bargain on ebay and I assembled it and we put it in his room for a few nights so he could see it. Then on Thurs night we decided we would see if he would sleep in it. Joel and I sat in the room with him and Joel read him a story while i stroked his forehead as he lay in bed. The story Joel picked up was one about an octopus that Xavier just loves and at one stage Xav got excited by one of the funny pics in the book and sat up to see it better. He then leant forward and put his hand out to touch the book but misjudged it and toppled over the side of the bed onto the floor. He started crying, and while we were ready to kiss and cuddle him we were not too concerned about the severity of the fall as this toddler bed was so low to the ground. Still we thought it probably would have given him a little bump and a fright. He was cuddling into Joel having a cry when to our astonishment and shock he passed out. My first thought was that he had suffered a larger knock to the head than what I thought, and that he had a head injury/concussion. Joel and I both tried to rouse him by shaking him and tapping his face and yelling his name. I ran to the phone to call an ambulance but as I went to run I heard him cry again and Joel yelled to me that he was awake. It felt like forever but he would have only been out maybe 10 seconds. He seemed fine when he woke up but we rushed him to the Emergency room. The doctor there was very nice and checked him thoroughly and was so nice to us. He said there is no way Xavier had a head injury of any kind and especially since the height that I described him falling from was barely off the ground. He said Xav had a breath holding spell. Apparently when babies and toddlers get a fright or get upset or angry or shocked about something it is a common reflex that they hold their breath, and if a person holds their breath too long obviously they are going to pass out. The doctor said the fall most likely gave Xavier a fright and while he was crying he got worked up and held his breath and fainted. He said he has seen many kids do it just from their older sibling taking a toy off them or something. They get angry and start crying then all of a sudden they faint. I was very glad that it was something so minor. I have done some research into it and asked a few friends and to my amazement it is VERY common and a number of my friends have experienced it with their own kids. I think when you have a child more doctors should warn you about it. It's weird that it is supposed to be so common yet I had never had it mentioned to me before.
Last of all, my mum came over for coffee tonight and got more than she bargained for! Joel had gone to bed early as he had a really busy day at work. It is very very hot here is AUS at the moment as we are a few weeks from summer and Joel hates the heat and will often sleep with not much on! My mum and I were sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee and chatting. I was facing the bedroom and my mum was sitting opposite me with her back to the bedroom. Joel must have gotten up to go to the bathroom (which you have to walk through our kitchen to get to) and in his half asleep state had not realised that my mum had come over. All of a sudden I am sitting there chatting to my mum when a stark naked Joel appears behind my mum! He was all bleary eyed and still asleep, then all of a sudden a look of shock registered on his face and he turned around and ran back into the bedroom. I started laughing in shock and my mum turned around to see what I was laughing at and just caught sight of Joel's naked bum disappearing into the bedroom. She realised what had happened and joined in my laughter. Joel came out a few minutes later fully clothed and embarrassed. Mum told him not to worry as it was nothing she hasn't seen before hahaha.
It's nearly 1am here so I am yawning as I write this. I better sign off! Sorry for the novel and I will try to be a better blogger and write soon. xoxoxoxox to you all!! Jo
Sunday, October 3, 2010
The sunshine after the storm
I really feel like finally the clouds have shifted on our run of bad luck with Xavier's health, and the sun is now peeking through. He had his second eye surgery on Weds just gone (the 29th) and it has so far been a success. You might remember we thought one of the muscles had popped its stitching from the first surgery and was now lying unattached somewhere behind the eye. Xavier did not have his full range of eye movement and was quite obviously struggling to see. The surgeon was expecting a big invasive operation where he would have to go in behind the eye and try to find this muscle in amongst everything, pick it up, rework it and attach it. I was also concerned about the reaction he had after waking from the last surgery. He was very difficult to rouse and I had a nervous hour long wait while I waited for him to stir. For about 36hrs after the surgery I felt he was extremely groggy and not "with it". They assured me he was fine and that it would pass which it did. I just felt it was a very extreme reaction.
This time we had a different anesthetist and I spoke to him about my concerns. He looked at Xav's records and said he thought it was unlikely that the anesthetic had caused the prolonged grogginess. He thought it was more likely that the pain relief he was given during the surgery (which happened to be morphiene) was the culprit. So they did the surgery using a different drug and sure enough he pulled through just fine, woke up properly and recovered at home a lot better and a lot quicker. So obviously he had quite a strong reaction to morphiene.
As for the surgery itself it went wonderfully. When the specialist got in there he saw that the muscle we thought was unattached was actually right where it was supposed to be. All that had happened was another muscle that was worked on in the first surgery had healed funny. It had formed a huge heap of scar tissue which was so big that it had jammed the eye into the wrong position. We were thinking Xav couldn't move his eye because the muscle was not there to move it, but all that was happening was that it was caught and being held in the one position. All the doctor had to do was take away the scar tissue and that was it. We now have a much straighter eye, and a much happier little boy. All resulting from a surgery that was nowhere as big as we thought it would have to be. It is a fantastic relief.
We see the doctor for post operative check on Oct 20 but already I can see a big improvement in the eye and in my son all over. You all might remember that Xavier has been very behind on his motor skills because his vision has been lacking? He is turning 2 in Jan and has been seeing a baby physio because he still isn't walking. Well the day after the operation he just all of a sudden took off and started walking, and has been doing really well. We are overjoyed. Thanks so much for everyone's prayers they have obviously helped so much. And sorry this post is late - I have been laid up with a cold and have been taking things easy. I'll post again soon.
Love to all xoxoxoxo
This time we had a different anesthetist and I spoke to him about my concerns. He looked at Xav's records and said he thought it was unlikely that the anesthetic had caused the prolonged grogginess. He thought it was more likely that the pain relief he was given during the surgery (which happened to be morphiene) was the culprit. So they did the surgery using a different drug and sure enough he pulled through just fine, woke up properly and recovered at home a lot better and a lot quicker. So obviously he had quite a strong reaction to morphiene.
As for the surgery itself it went wonderfully. When the specialist got in there he saw that the muscle we thought was unattached was actually right where it was supposed to be. All that had happened was another muscle that was worked on in the first surgery had healed funny. It had formed a huge heap of scar tissue which was so big that it had jammed the eye into the wrong position. We were thinking Xav couldn't move his eye because the muscle was not there to move it, but all that was happening was that it was caught and being held in the one position. All the doctor had to do was take away the scar tissue and that was it. We now have a much straighter eye, and a much happier little boy. All resulting from a surgery that was nowhere as big as we thought it would have to be. It is a fantastic relief.
We see the doctor for post operative check on Oct 20 but already I can see a big improvement in the eye and in my son all over. You all might remember that Xavier has been very behind on his motor skills because his vision has been lacking? He is turning 2 in Jan and has been seeing a baby physio because he still isn't walking. Well the day after the operation he just all of a sudden took off and started walking, and has been doing really well. We are overjoyed. Thanks so much for everyone's prayers they have obviously helped so much. And sorry this post is late - I have been laid up with a cold and have been taking things easy. I'll post again soon.
Love to all xoxoxoxo
Sunday, September 19, 2010
My little cake fiend
Xavier has discovered cake in a big way! You might remember it was Joel's birthday back in Aug when Xav was sick. We weren't able to go out and celebrate so we had a little dinner at home and I made a mud cake. My little miserable boy who at that time was eating like a bird, decided the cake tasted pretty good. It was good to see him eating something so I didn't mind at all that it was full of sugar and butter. You have to have fun at a birthday party right??!!
Today I made a chocolate cake for my SIL birthday dinner. We went over for Thai food and I offered to make the cake and bring it along, even though she is a fabulous cake baker and I am pretty mediocre, because I don't think anyone should have to make their own birthday cake! As I was putting the icing on the cake Xavier spotted it and realised what it was. I guess he was remembering that it was the same yummy stuff that he ate when Daddy had a birthday not too long ago. He was dying to have a bite and hung off my leg while I iced the cake. He tried to reach up and grab at the cake several times and when I tried to divert his attention to something else he threw a huge tantrum. I even got Joel to make him a sandwich in case he may have just been hungry. He pushed the sandwich away and went straight back to where I was icing the cake, sat on the floor at my feet, and howled.
Later that night at my SIL house we finished dinner and finally it was time for cake. My little boy's face lit up when the cake was brought out and he was finally allowed to have a piece. He ate every last crumb with a look of ecstasy on his face. It was hilarious. I guess I have a little sweet tooth on my hands!
PS> I have updated Xavier's pic on my blog just to the right of this post. He is growing up so fast!
Have a great week all! xoxoxoxo
Today I made a chocolate cake for my SIL birthday dinner. We went over for Thai food and I offered to make the cake and bring it along, even though she is a fabulous cake baker and I am pretty mediocre, because I don't think anyone should have to make their own birthday cake! As I was putting the icing on the cake Xavier spotted it and realised what it was. I guess he was remembering that it was the same yummy stuff that he ate when Daddy had a birthday not too long ago. He was dying to have a bite and hung off my leg while I iced the cake. He tried to reach up and grab at the cake several times and when I tried to divert his attention to something else he threw a huge tantrum. I even got Joel to make him a sandwich in case he may have just been hungry. He pushed the sandwich away and went straight back to where I was icing the cake, sat on the floor at my feet, and howled.
Later that night at my SIL house we finished dinner and finally it was time for cake. My little boy's face lit up when the cake was brought out and he was finally allowed to have a piece. He ate every last crumb with a look of ecstasy on his face. It was hilarious. I guess I have a little sweet tooth on my hands!
PS> I have updated Xavier's pic on my blog just to the right of this post. He is growing up so fast!
Have a great week all! xoxoxoxo
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Surgery has been postponed
Xavier is still quite unwell. His sores are gone but last Fri he started having high fevers and we ended up back at the doctor surgery. The doctor said that he now also has an ear infection. So for a few days we had sores and an ear infection to cope with, but now thankfully we are minus those horrible sores, thankyou Lord!! lol
Xav is having to take a course of oral antibiotics now for the ear, and as a result his surgery has been postponed until September 29. My poor little man is feeling quite unwell indeed and I am taking him back to the doctors for the third time tomorrow as he was quite miserable this afternoon and started running a slight fever again. I rang the doctor to try to get an app tonight but they were solidly booked so we are going in the morning.
Don't have heaps of energy to type a lot tonight so I'll sign off here, thanks so much for the comments and prayers. Love to all of you xoxoxo
Xav is having to take a course of oral antibiotics now for the ear, and as a result his surgery has been postponed until September 29. My poor little man is feeling quite unwell indeed and I am taking him back to the doctors for the third time tomorrow as he was quite miserable this afternoon and started running a slight fever again. I rang the doctor to try to get an app tonight but they were solidly booked so we are going in the morning.
Don't have heaps of energy to type a lot tonight so I'll sign off here, thanks so much for the comments and prayers. Love to all of you xoxoxo
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Catching up with everyone
Wow the time has flown since I last posted. I just want to apologise that once again I have been very slack with updating and with commenting on everyone's blogs. I would like everyone to know that when this happens I always feel very guilty that I haven't been able to sit down and write to everyone. But I always do find the time to read all your blogs and catch up on your news. So while sometimes I am silent, I still care a lot and I am still up to date in your lives.
It has been totally crazy at our house. We have been awaiting a surgery date for Xavier to have his eye re-done. On Tues I got a call from the hospital that he would be operated on next Weds on Sept 1. The next day (which was Weds just gone) he woke up covered in these funny spots all over his face. I had no idea what they were - they didn't look like measles or chicken pox and besides which he has been immunised against all of those. They were like tiny pimples with yellow tips. Straight to the doctor we went and it turns out he has Impetigo (school sores). Because they are highly contagious Xavier is kind of under house arrest, which means so am I. So no daycare for him and no work for me. Everything that he touches has to be cleaned straight away for fear of Joel and myself catching it or of him reinfecting himself. This means all towels, face washers, bed linen, stuffed toys etc all have to be continually washed and disinfected. On top of having my little boy needing my attention because the poor little lamb feels awful (the sores itch and make him feel achey/feverish) it is also tough work keeping everything hygenic. I had to call the hospital and imform them that he has Impetigo. They said if the sores are gone by Mon (he is not contagious once the sores are gone) then I can take him to the doctor and ask for a medical clearance. If I can get a signed medical clearance form on Monday then the surgery will go ahead. If not, then the surgery will be postponed. To tell you the truth I don't mind either way. Whatever is meant to be, will be. If we have to wait then never mind.
The other thing that this has also affected is Joel's 29th birthday which is on Sat. We had a big dinner planned with both sides of our family but we have now cancelled it. While we were both looking forward to it of course we don't mind having to cancel for our little man. We are now going to get take away pizza just the three of us, and I will bake a mudcake. Then when Xav goes to bed Joel and I will watch a movie. I have the best present organised for Joel but I will tell you all after I give it to him in case he sees the blog lol.
Lots of love to all of you. May you all have fabulous weekends and thanks for continuing to put up with my erratic posting xoxoxoxo
It has been totally crazy at our house. We have been awaiting a surgery date for Xavier to have his eye re-done. On Tues I got a call from the hospital that he would be operated on next Weds on Sept 1. The next day (which was Weds just gone) he woke up covered in these funny spots all over his face. I had no idea what they were - they didn't look like measles or chicken pox and besides which he has been immunised against all of those. They were like tiny pimples with yellow tips. Straight to the doctor we went and it turns out he has Impetigo (school sores). Because they are highly contagious Xavier is kind of under house arrest, which means so am I. So no daycare for him and no work for me. Everything that he touches has to be cleaned straight away for fear of Joel and myself catching it or of him reinfecting himself. This means all towels, face washers, bed linen, stuffed toys etc all have to be continually washed and disinfected. On top of having my little boy needing my attention because the poor little lamb feels awful (the sores itch and make him feel achey/feverish) it is also tough work keeping everything hygenic. I had to call the hospital and imform them that he has Impetigo. They said if the sores are gone by Mon (he is not contagious once the sores are gone) then I can take him to the doctor and ask for a medical clearance. If I can get a signed medical clearance form on Monday then the surgery will go ahead. If not, then the surgery will be postponed. To tell you the truth I don't mind either way. Whatever is meant to be, will be. If we have to wait then never mind.
The other thing that this has also affected is Joel's 29th birthday which is on Sat. We had a big dinner planned with both sides of our family but we have now cancelled it. While we were both looking forward to it of course we don't mind having to cancel for our little man. We are now going to get take away pizza just the three of us, and I will bake a mudcake. Then when Xav goes to bed Joel and I will watch a movie. I have the best present organised for Joel but I will tell you all after I give it to him in case he sees the blog lol.
Lots of love to all of you. May you all have fabulous weekends and thanks for continuing to put up with my erratic posting xoxoxoxo
Monday, August 2, 2010
This post is overdue...
Hi everyone! Better late than never, here I am back in the swing of things. I do apologise its just been a bit of a rough few weeks. As well as the issues I spoke about last time, we have so much stuff going on, so here's a quick update in bullet points:
Xavier's eye specialist Dr H recently returned from holidays and we had an appointment with him. The paperwork was filed for Xavier to return to hospital for another operation - I am just waiting for the hospital to call me with a date. It should be in the next month or so.
When we saw the paediatrician back in May to discuss Xavier's delayed motor skills he asked me during the visit whether there was any medical problems in the family history. I mentioned that as a baby/young child Joel suffered from chronic ear infections and had to have several surgeries to insert grommits etc. He was in pain quite a lot and his speech was quite delayed due to not being able to hear at full function. Even now he suffers from ear and sinus pain from time to time, especially when he gets a cold. The paed said in that case, even though his speech/communication doesn't appear to be delayed we may as well send Xavier for a hearing test just because of the family history. We did that a couple weeks ago and the test actually showed that he wasn't picking up lower frequency sounds as well as he should. So they then did a pressure test on the ear which they put a device in the ear which measured the vibrations of the ear. It should be vibrating a certain amount for normal hearing ability. The test showed he has reduced vibration which indicates fluid in the ears (which was Joel's problem). Because things like that can be caused by something as simple as a cold or teething, and that can in turn have affected his hearing for the test, we are being retested again in September to compare results. If they are normal then we have nothing to worry about. If they are the same again then we will have to see the audiologist and have further tests done. My poor little munchkin always at the doctors. I must say though he is so laid back nothing seems to bother him. He's a brave boy.
And my gosh I sound like a hypochondriac but I have actually been really sick for about 3 weeks with a mouth infection. I started to get what I thought was a virus/ stomach bug a few weeks ago. My stomach felt churny and I felt like I had a slight fever. It didn't seem to go away and I started feeling worse and then my mouth started hurting. I have got a wisdom teeth which only partially came up through the gum (it is trapped by another tooth) and it has been like that for years and never been an issue. But it started to hurt and then my gum started swelling up around it. I never put two and two together and associated my "virus" with my mouth. I called the dentist and couldn't get an appointment for two days and I thought that would be fine as it wasn't hurting too much. But by the time the appointment came the infection had gotten a lot worse. The gum had swollen into a huge ball onto of the tooth. And my whole mouth felt sore as if I had burnt it. Also a section of my tongue was also starting to swell. I was given some antibiotics and was told to come back when the infection went away because he can't touch the tooth while it is infected. I have been so sick with this infection and have only just started feeling better thank goodness. I have not been a happy camper at all.
Stacey asked me to post a pic of my bunnies so here we go:
Xavier's eye specialist Dr H recently returned from holidays and we had an appointment with him. The paperwork was filed for Xavier to return to hospital for another operation - I am just waiting for the hospital to call me with a date. It should be in the next month or so.
When we saw the paediatrician back in May to discuss Xavier's delayed motor skills he asked me during the visit whether there was any medical problems in the family history. I mentioned that as a baby/young child Joel suffered from chronic ear infections and had to have several surgeries to insert grommits etc. He was in pain quite a lot and his speech was quite delayed due to not being able to hear at full function. Even now he suffers from ear and sinus pain from time to time, especially when he gets a cold. The paed said in that case, even though his speech/communication doesn't appear to be delayed we may as well send Xavier for a hearing test just because of the family history. We did that a couple weeks ago and the test actually showed that he wasn't picking up lower frequency sounds as well as he should. So they then did a pressure test on the ear which they put a device in the ear which measured the vibrations of the ear. It should be vibrating a certain amount for normal hearing ability. The test showed he has reduced vibration which indicates fluid in the ears (which was Joel's problem). Because things like that can be caused by something as simple as a cold or teething, and that can in turn have affected his hearing for the test, we are being retested again in September to compare results. If they are normal then we have nothing to worry about. If they are the same again then we will have to see the audiologist and have further tests done. My poor little munchkin always at the doctors. I must say though he is so laid back nothing seems to bother him. He's a brave boy.
And my gosh I sound like a hypochondriac but I have actually been really sick for about 3 weeks with a mouth infection. I started to get what I thought was a virus/ stomach bug a few weeks ago. My stomach felt churny and I felt like I had a slight fever. It didn't seem to go away and I started feeling worse and then my mouth started hurting. I have got a wisdom teeth which only partially came up through the gum (it is trapped by another tooth) and it has been like that for years and never been an issue. But it started to hurt and then my gum started swelling up around it. I never put two and two together and associated my "virus" with my mouth. I called the dentist and couldn't get an appointment for two days and I thought that would be fine as it wasn't hurting too much. But by the time the appointment came the infection had gotten a lot worse. The gum had swollen into a huge ball onto of the tooth. And my whole mouth felt sore as if I had burnt it. Also a section of my tongue was also starting to swell. I was given some antibiotics and was told to come back when the infection went away because he can't touch the tooth while it is infected. I have been so sick with this infection and have only just started feeling better thank goodness. I have not been a happy camper at all.
Stacey asked me to post a pic of my bunnies so here we go:
The white one on the left is Bonnie she is 6 years old. We originally had her with Albert, a 2 year old who looked just like her and then he had to be put to sleep due to a brain tumor. We were terribly upset. So we have now got Jimmy who is the one on the right (his colouring is called seal point). Jimmy is only 1 year old and he is like a silly playful puppy. He is just beautiful. Because Bon is so much older she is a much quieter bunny and often looks at him jumping around with a look on her face like "what in the world are you doing now???". But its amazing how they really seem to love each other so much even though they are so different. Bunnies don't have a grieving period like humans and often when they lose a mate they fret and become so depressed and all they want is the comfort of another body to snuggle with. When Jimmy came into our home that was certainly true for Bonnie as when Albert died she did go very quiet and just slept a lot. She was introduced to Jimmy and all she wanted was to sit up against him and have someone near her again. It was so very sweet. And poor Jimmy came from a situation where he was owned by a young girl who bought him from a pet shop as a baby bunny. She kept him in a cage and fed him commercial rabbit mix which is generally full of dried corn and seed and sugar and things that are bad for bunnies. People don't often do this out of meaness, a lot of vets and pet stores just give out totally wrong advice. People dont realise rabbits need several hours of free run exercise time a day and that their staple diet should be hay, with some fresh veggies and I also like to give a small amount of a high quality pellet so they get all their vitamins and minerals. When Jimmy came home he didn't know how to eat hay. He had only recently came to the rescue and they had been introducing it to him but it was still very new to him. I had to work very hard to get him eating a good amount of it, and Bonnie helped him too by showing him how it was done. Anyway that's the buns and they give us so much joy.
And lastly - we have an almost 3 year old dalmatian called Benji. His doggy mum Charli just had her second litter of puppies (Benji was one of the first litter). There were 9 in the litter and Joel, Xav and I went to see the pups last night (they are only 2 days old). And uh oh I have to say Joel and I both fell in love with a little girl puppy. The puppy has the tip of its ear missing. It was quite a difficult birth and had to be vet assisted, then ended up being a c section. Apparently this little one came out still in the sac and the vet had to cut it open. They think perhaps the ear was nicked in the process. She is just adorable and the ear thing has given her a real character. Joel and I have such a soft spot for the underdog. We will always like the cat that can't see or the dog with the missing leg. I think its why we like this little girl with the tip of her ear missing. Don't be surprised ladies and gents if we have a new puppy in the mix soon - we are both a bit smitten.
Well ok I better head off. Just want to say before I sign off - thanks to each and every one of you who leave comments for me here. You dont know how much they mean to me. It's fantastic to have so much support. And a special hello to Dianne who it's very nice to hear from again after the arrival of her little girl!
Have a great week everyone xoxoxoxo
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Time marches on...
Hi everyone. I am really sorry that I am such a lousy blogger. I just wanted to write this quick post to explain some of my absence from this blog recently. On July 3rd - the day after my last post, it was the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. We got the news on June 30 2009 that our baby was not going to make it, and that we would have to wait it out for a miscarriage. If the miscarriage didn't happen by that coming Monday then they would be doing a D and C. I realise now it was a blessing I didn't have to go through surgery but at the time, when nature took its course and miscarriage began on Friday July 3rd 2009, it shocked me and scared me and saddened me, all at the same time. I can't describe how awful it was. Having the one year come up has brought a lot of it up again and so I am sorry if I am a bit quiet for now. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Not just with this but with everything. My baby boy is 18 months old on Friday. I can't believe it. I wish time could stand still for me and wait a little for me to catch up. The other day I was being awful to Joel - so moody and angry and speaking to him horribly, yelling at him about the way he had washed the towels. He just turned to me and said "Just tell me what you are so mad about, because I know it isn't about towels". Well I just crumbled and sobbed and before I knew what I was saying "I'm mad we lost our baby and we don't get to have another one" came out of my mouth. Joel held me for a long time and let me cry and said a lot of sweet things. It hurt a lot to go through it all with him, but it felt a relief to talk about the baby. Joel and I never talk about the baby even though I know we both grieve in our own ways. It is strange how when you have a miscarriage people ask how you are doing. Most of the time you don't want them to ask, you just want to forget and pretend it didn't happen. Then time passes and people stop asking how you are doing. Yet that is the time you most need them to ask.
Little baby - please know I never stop thinking of you, or wishing you were here. I look at your brother and I delight in all his antics and his cuddles, but I wish I could have yours too. xoxoxo
Little baby - please know I never stop thinking of you, or wishing you were here. I look at your brother and I delight in all his antics and his cuddles, but I wish I could have yours too. xoxoxo
Friday, July 2, 2010
A few things inc Xavier's appointment
So first thing is first - Xavier had his appointment today with Dr F. He was a very nice doctor which put me at ease seeing as it is always nerve wracking to go see someone new, especially when it is related to your child's health. He said he agrees with the initial diagnosis from Dr H - that the stitch has popped therefore the muscle is sitting unattached behind the eye. He said there is also a chance the stitch has not popped all together but just loosened and the muscle has shifted. So it is still attached but just loosely and in the wrong place. He said the best thing to do was more surgery but that it wasn't an urgent matter and could wait till Dr H returned from holidays. We see him July 28. So even though the appointment revealed the disappointing news that an operation is back on the cards, at least his regular specialist can do it, and at least nothing dangerous is going on. I feel much more calm now knowing the matter is ok to wait for Dr H and nothing bad will happen while we wait. And just to add Xavier was so so good at his appointment too which always makes me proud.
Second piece of news is you might remember me posting about our rescue bunny Albert having to be put to sleep due to a suspected brain tumor. Our remaining bunny Bonnie has been missing him terribly and we decided to visit the rescue again to find her a new friend. This is the same rescue we did some volunteer work at. We plan to revisit that but have taken a break from it for the time being because of both my surgery back in May and Xavier's eye surgery - which of course has turned out to be a more lengthy drama. Anyway we have found the perfect boy - his name is Jim and he is 1 year old and was abandoned a few months ago and was yet to be adopted when we chose him. We did a little date with Bonnie and the interaction was positive. Bunnies are tough to bond together though so I am sure we are in for some fun and games when little Jim joins our family this Sunday.
Lastly I have been wanting to post this for awhile and then was amazed to see Stacey's post talking about memories. Stacey had something different to say but the simalar "good and bad memories" theme to what has been on my mind lately. I caught a rerun of the show Ally McBeal recently on cable and it reminded me of being 16. I used to watch that show every Monday back then and loved it. It seems a lifetime ago though and I wish I could bottle all the lessons I have learnt in those years gone by and pass them on to someone else. So many memories of so many things come flooding back when I reflect on the last almost 12 years of life. Hindsight is such a valuable thing and I have such guilt of how little faith I had throughout the challenges that I faced. I know we are "supposed" to give our problems over to the Lord as Christians and have faith that He knows best and that whatever happens will be the right outcome. We are supposed to know that His plan is the best plan. But I didn't know that. I still forget that. All those dark days when I longed for my baby and people kept telling me "don't worry God hasn't forgotten you" I really thought that He indeed had left me to flail. Now that I have lived through all that section of my life I realise how wrong I was and I feel so ashamed. I continually apologise to God but wonder how I can possibly undo my past attitude. I just want to say this in order to try to pass on that "lesson in a bottle" to you all. For all those who do wonder if God has lost your address, for all those who are still waiting for their miracle...God remembers you. Trust me!
Love to you all xoxoxoxo
Second piece of news is you might remember me posting about our rescue bunny Albert having to be put to sleep due to a suspected brain tumor. Our remaining bunny Bonnie has been missing him terribly and we decided to visit the rescue again to find her a new friend. This is the same rescue we did some volunteer work at. We plan to revisit that but have taken a break from it for the time being because of both my surgery back in May and Xavier's eye surgery - which of course has turned out to be a more lengthy drama. Anyway we have found the perfect boy - his name is Jim and he is 1 year old and was abandoned a few months ago and was yet to be adopted when we chose him. We did a little date with Bonnie and the interaction was positive. Bunnies are tough to bond together though so I am sure we are in for some fun and games when little Jim joins our family this Sunday.
Lastly I have been wanting to post this for awhile and then was amazed to see Stacey's post talking about memories. Stacey had something different to say but the simalar "good and bad memories" theme to what has been on my mind lately. I caught a rerun of the show Ally McBeal recently on cable and it reminded me of being 16. I used to watch that show every Monday back then and loved it. It seems a lifetime ago though and I wish I could bottle all the lessons I have learnt in those years gone by and pass them on to someone else. So many memories of so many things come flooding back when I reflect on the last almost 12 years of life. Hindsight is such a valuable thing and I have such guilt of how little faith I had throughout the challenges that I faced. I know we are "supposed" to give our problems over to the Lord as Christians and have faith that He knows best and that whatever happens will be the right outcome. We are supposed to know that His plan is the best plan. But I didn't know that. I still forget that. All those dark days when I longed for my baby and people kept telling me "don't worry God hasn't forgotten you" I really thought that He indeed had left me to flail. Now that I have lived through all that section of my life I realise how wrong I was and I feel so ashamed. I continually apologise to God but wonder how I can possibly undo my past attitude. I just want to say this in order to try to pass on that "lesson in a bottle" to you all. For all those who do wonder if God has lost your address, for all those who are still waiting for their miracle...God remembers you. Trust me!
Love to you all xoxoxoxo
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
A setback for Xavier
We had our post op appointment with the eye specialist (Dr H) today. Unfortuneately it looks as though part of the surgery was unsuccessful. The aim of the surgery was to correct two muscles in Xavier's eye. To do this, they cut the muscles, adjust them as they need to, and then reattach them using tiny little stitches which dissolve. It looks like one muscle has been successfully adjusted, but the other has not. Dr H thinks because quite a big adjustment was needed it put a lot of pressure on the stitches and that pressure has made the stitches pop at some point and so the muscle has not held. As a result he believes the muscle is now hanging unattached behind the eye.
This was picked up because Xavier is not able to move his eyes to the side - he has to move his whole head. Dr H says there is an extremely small possibility that the muscle movement is just being compromised by swelling from the surgery but his gut feeling is that the stitches have popped and that muscle is not attached. The plan of action is that we are going to wait two weeks and see if the eye is still doing the same thing. If it is then Xavier will need to go into surgery again. Dr H. is actually going away on a months holiday next week so we will be seeing his collegue Dr F. When Dr F. sees Xavier in two weeks he will assess whether he thinks we should get Xavier in for surgery right then or whether it would be safe to wait till Dr H. returns in July. Or of course there is still the slight hope that it will just be swelling after all and that when we go to Dr F. the eye will be fine. Dr H did tell me though that it was a slim chance. Prayers please ladies!!!
I am mega stressed right now and very anxious for my boy having to do all this all over again. Sorry this is a short post and sorry that i am such a bad blogger and am behind on so many blogs. Thanks so much for all your thoughts and prayers and love to you all. xoxoxoxo
This was picked up because Xavier is not able to move his eyes to the side - he has to move his whole head. Dr H says there is an extremely small possibility that the muscle movement is just being compromised by swelling from the surgery but his gut feeling is that the stitches have popped and that muscle is not attached. The plan of action is that we are going to wait two weeks and see if the eye is still doing the same thing. If it is then Xavier will need to go into surgery again. Dr H. is actually going away on a months holiday next week so we will be seeing his collegue Dr F. When Dr F. sees Xavier in two weeks he will assess whether he thinks we should get Xavier in for surgery right then or whether it would be safe to wait till Dr H. returns in July. Or of course there is still the slight hope that it will just be swelling after all and that when we go to Dr F. the eye will be fine. Dr H did tell me though that it was a slim chance. Prayers please ladies!!!
I am mega stressed right now and very anxious for my boy having to do all this all over again. Sorry this is a short post and sorry that i am such a bad blogger and am behind on so many blogs. Thanks so much for all your thoughts and prayers and love to you all. xoxoxoxo
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Xavier's eye operation
* * * Just a note to say I started writing this on Wed June 9th and have just finished it off today. It has been really hard work looking after "the patient" and so haven't had much spare time sorry!!!
Today was a very emotionally charged day. I know that the surgery was not "a big deal" as far as surgeries go. But for us it really was, because Xavier is our precious little man, so I have to say I worried my butt off yet tried to appear calm for Xav.
We had to be at the hospital at 7.30am. My Mum accompanied us for moral support as Joel wasn't able to come. You see the hospital was able to fit us in so quickly Joel and I didn't get much notice and therefore by the time they told us the admission date, Joel's diary was already filled with lessons (he is a driving instructor for those of you who don't know). He was happy to cancel them but the hospital said only one person was permitted in theatre and in recovery with Xavier anyway, so it seemed silly for Joel to mess all his students around when he couldn't even come in with me and Xavier anyway. Having said that Joel did want me to be supported and gave me the choice of whether or not he cancelled lessons. I said I was happy to have my Mum there and keep him updated by phone.
The staff at the hospital were very good and Xavier actually had a great time there waiting for his surgery! The anaesthetist was lovely and made animals out of balloons and the nurses all fussed over him and Xavier lapped it up. Then the time came for Xavier to go to theatre and be put to sleep. I was asked whether I wanted to accompany him. I thought about it and decided to go with him. Even though it would not be pleasant for me I knew it would be lots worse for Xav and wanted to do all I can to make it any better. So I was very brave and it was very creepy to see him be put under. I hugged him tight and they put a mask on his face which contained gas for him to breathe in which would send him to sleep. He screamed and then all of a sudden the screaming started to wind down and fade out and then he went silent, his eyes rolled back and closed and he went all limp and floppy. All I could think was "ewwww" because it was really eerie and gave me chills. But I hope it helped him in some way that I was there.
Today was a very emotionally charged day. I know that the surgery was not "a big deal" as far as surgeries go. But for us it really was, because Xavier is our precious little man, so I have to say I worried my butt off yet tried to appear calm for Xav.
We had to be at the hospital at 7.30am. My Mum accompanied us for moral support as Joel wasn't able to come. You see the hospital was able to fit us in so quickly Joel and I didn't get much notice and therefore by the time they told us the admission date, Joel's diary was already filled with lessons (he is a driving instructor for those of you who don't know). He was happy to cancel them but the hospital said only one person was permitted in theatre and in recovery with Xavier anyway, so it seemed silly for Joel to mess all his students around when he couldn't even come in with me and Xavier anyway. Having said that Joel did want me to be supported and gave me the choice of whether or not he cancelled lessons. I said I was happy to have my Mum there and keep him updated by phone.
The staff at the hospital were very good and Xavier actually had a great time there waiting for his surgery! The anaesthetist was lovely and made animals out of balloons and the nurses all fussed over him and Xavier lapped it up. Then the time came for Xavier to go to theatre and be put to sleep. I was asked whether I wanted to accompany him. I thought about it and decided to go with him. Even though it would not be pleasant for me I knew it would be lots worse for Xav and wanted to do all I can to make it any better. So I was very brave and it was very creepy to see him be put under. I hugged him tight and they put a mask on his face which contained gas for him to breathe in which would send him to sleep. He screamed and then all of a sudden the screaming started to wind down and fade out and then he went silent, his eyes rolled back and closed and he went all limp and floppy. All I could think was "ewwww" because it was really eerie and gave me chills. But I hope it helped him in some way that I was there.
When Xavier came out of surgery he took quite a while to wake up. The doctors explained to me that the level of anesthetic they have to give a baby for eye surgery is very high - higher than that of an adult. The reason being that babies have lots of involuntary muscle movements (have you ever seen a baby thrash and twitch while asleep?) which they have to keep under control as they need absolute stillness during the surgery because the eye is so delicate. So while it was very nerve wracking that he wouldn't wake up, I was assured it was absolutely normal. While I waited for him to wake I talked with Xavier's eye specialist who did the surgery - Dr H. He said the muscles in Xavier's eye had to be adjusted to the maximum. Dr H said he was really confident it has done the job and they eye looks good to him, but that he will wait till everything settles, swelling goes down etc and properly assess how it is looking. There is a small chance if he is not fully happy with the surgery that Xavier may have to go in again at some point. There will be nothing more than can do with the right eye (the one he had surgery on) but apparently they can somehow work on the left eye to help correct the right eye. Doesn't make sense to me but apparently that is the case. Hopefully time will reveal this surgery is enough and a second one won't be needed. We go to see Dr H for a check up this coming Weds June 16.
Xavier was so brave at the hospital and I was proud of him. He has been pretty miserable at home though and in a bit of pain, which is understandable. He has two kinds of eye drops which are an ordeal trying to give to him. He clamps his eye shut and cries. I rang the hospital and told them we were struggling with it and their answer was "just do your best" which I didn't really find helpful I have to say. The eye is very red and still very swollen. It was closed a lot the first few days after surgery but is starting to open up a bit now.
Last night we also had something sad happen. Remember I mentioned last post we had adopted some bunnies? Well last night one of the bunnies, Albert, looked unwell. He had been fine earlier in the day but when I went to give them some veggies in the evening he just looked like he wasn't well. He was all hunched up and very quiet where as he normally races to the food. As I went closer to the cage to investigate, he fell over onto his side and started having some sort of a seizure or a fit. Joel rushed him to the vet while I stayed with Xavier and it turned out he had a brain tumor. By the time Joel got to the vets with him he was almost gone and was just lying there unable to move, so they ended his suffering and put him to sleep. It was so sad as we have only had the bunnies about two months and were really in love with them. He was such a character and now we have Bonnie (the other bunny) looking around for her little friend. It is very sad as they were very bonded and I think she will miss him. The vet warned us that when bunnies lose a mate they are very susceptable to sickness because they stress and fret for their mate. Our heart isn't really in it after such a sad thing losing Albert, but we feel it might be best for Bonnie to get her another friend pretty soon.
Anyway that has been my week. Sorry for the delay I am frazzled! haha
Lots of love from Jo and thanks for all your support xoxoxoxoxo
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Midnight cooking
OK so it's not quite midnight but I am up late cooking a tuna pie for tomorrow night's dinner. Tomorrow is a work day and I hate getting home and cooking while rushing around trying to get Xavier fed, bathed and in his PJs for bed. It makes for total mayhem. So I often pre cook my dinners and that means once Xavier is all sorted, Joel and I can sit down to an already cooked and then microwaved meal. Plus this tuna pie is one of Xavier's faves and he usually has it for dinner again the following night, and then I put a serve in the freezer for another time.
There isn't much going on over here. It has been a nice last few weeks though. Joel and I made a decision a while ago that following my surgery we would make more of an effort to enjoy life. I know that sounds weird, but to explain it a bit better, I guess we both were feeling a little bit lost while being faced with the prospect of our TTC journey coming to an end, at least for the next few years anyway. The last five years of our life have been full of doctors appointments, blood tests, IVF, pregnancy, more IVF, a miscarriage...you get the picture. Our world has revolved around TTC for so long. It is strange to not have that to focus on anymore. I guess it's like how they say people in prison for long periods of time become "institutionalised". Maybe infertility did something simalar to us! haha. In all seriousness though, we got so used to focusing on something that we both felt a little bit like "ok so now what?".
We decided we needed to just learn how to enjoy life again for what it is. We have been enjoying a lot of quality family time together with Xavier. Joel and I also did some volunteer work at an animal rescue shelter for bunnies. It is a long story how we became involved in that and yes I am aware it sounds very left of centre! But it is something that popped up at the right time and we have enjoyed helping, although we are taking a break from it because of Xavier's surgery this week. Through the shelter we also became the proud parents of two orphaned bunnies called Albert and Bonnie. They are so cute and Xavier really loves them too. And don't worry, they are desexed so there will be no little bunnies coming along!
Joel and I have been paying more attention to having some us time, and we have started going out on dates every couple of weeks. We used to do this quite a bit and then once we started IVF finances were an issue and the dates took a hiatus. It's nice to have them back again and it has been really good for us as a couple. Last week we saw Sex and the City 2 and I had so much fun. Joel chose the movie, making out he was choosing it for me, but he actually is a big fan of the show too so I think he wanted to see it. We had dinner before hand and Cosmopolitons. It was a fantastic night.
Joel and I are both very into our music and actually met while both studying for our music degrees. Joel is a bass player and I love to sing. I don't tell many people that because it really seems like another world away. We used to both be in bands and would play at different cafes/bars etc in our younger days. I taught music for awhile. Neither of us really do much with our music these days though, except for when we listen to music and talk about music together. Every now and then we might have a late night jam session together but it's not often and when we do, alcohol is usually involved haha. I decided recently to start some singing lessons again. Just once a fortnight to start and just purely for my own enjoyment, a chance to get out and so something I enjoy just for me. I start on Tues the 15th June and I am excited about it, but also nervous because I am pretty rusty! But it is just for fun so who cares.
We are all geared up for Xavier's operation on Weds. Both Joel and myself are a little nervous I can tell you, but we are happy he has gotten in so quickly and can get this problem fixed up. I will keep you posted as the week progresses and let you know how he goes. Thanks so much for everyones continued thoughts and prayers, they are so appreciated.
xoxoxoxo
There isn't much going on over here. It has been a nice last few weeks though. Joel and I made a decision a while ago that following my surgery we would make more of an effort to enjoy life. I know that sounds weird, but to explain it a bit better, I guess we both were feeling a little bit lost while being faced with the prospect of our TTC journey coming to an end, at least for the next few years anyway. The last five years of our life have been full of doctors appointments, blood tests, IVF, pregnancy, more IVF, a miscarriage...you get the picture. Our world has revolved around TTC for so long. It is strange to not have that to focus on anymore. I guess it's like how they say people in prison for long periods of time become "institutionalised". Maybe infertility did something simalar to us! haha. In all seriousness though, we got so used to focusing on something that we both felt a little bit like "ok so now what?".
We decided we needed to just learn how to enjoy life again for what it is. We have been enjoying a lot of quality family time together with Xavier. Joel and I also did some volunteer work at an animal rescue shelter for bunnies. It is a long story how we became involved in that and yes I am aware it sounds very left of centre! But it is something that popped up at the right time and we have enjoyed helping, although we are taking a break from it because of Xavier's surgery this week. Through the shelter we also became the proud parents of two orphaned bunnies called Albert and Bonnie. They are so cute and Xavier really loves them too. And don't worry, they are desexed so there will be no little bunnies coming along!
Joel and I have been paying more attention to having some us time, and we have started going out on dates every couple of weeks. We used to do this quite a bit and then once we started IVF finances were an issue and the dates took a hiatus. It's nice to have them back again and it has been really good for us as a couple. Last week we saw Sex and the City 2 and I had so much fun. Joel chose the movie, making out he was choosing it for me, but he actually is a big fan of the show too so I think he wanted to see it. We had dinner before hand and Cosmopolitons. It was a fantastic night.
Joel and I are both very into our music and actually met while both studying for our music degrees. Joel is a bass player and I love to sing. I don't tell many people that because it really seems like another world away. We used to both be in bands and would play at different cafes/bars etc in our younger days. I taught music for awhile. Neither of us really do much with our music these days though, except for when we listen to music and talk about music together. Every now and then we might have a late night jam session together but it's not often and when we do, alcohol is usually involved haha. I decided recently to start some singing lessons again. Just once a fortnight to start and just purely for my own enjoyment, a chance to get out and so something I enjoy just for me. I start on Tues the 15th June and I am excited about it, but also nervous because I am pretty rusty! But it is just for fun so who cares.
We are all geared up for Xavier's operation on Weds. Both Joel and myself are a little nervous I can tell you, but we are happy he has gotten in so quickly and can get this problem fixed up. I will keep you posted as the week progresses and let you know how he goes. Thanks so much for everyones continued thoughts and prayers, they are so appreciated.
xoxoxoxo
Sunday, May 30, 2010
A great talk
I just love my Sister in Law. As most of you know, I don't have a relationship with my sister. That also means I don't have too much of a relationship with my niece and nephew. I miss them a lot and when I chose not to be in contact with my sister that was the hardest part about making that choice - knowing my niece and nephew would not be as close with me.
It is a great joy for me to have such a wonderful Sister in Law, and brother in law (her husband) AND now a new baby nephew. I am so glad that when Joel and I got married, his sister ended up being part of the package! I'm a lucky lady. My SIL and I share a particularly special bond because as well as both having little boys, we have also both had a miscarriage. She has been a great source of comfort to me during the hard times. She is a very together and capable person, and she is not afraid to talk about her feelings. Even though I wish she didn't have to have a miscarriage, it has been reassuring to see that even people as together as she is struggle with miscarriage and the emotions involved. It makes me feel like less of a basket case on the bad days!
We had a great talk last night on the phone and I have been thinking about it all day. Everyone has been asking me about Xavier a lot lately because he will be having eye surgery soon and he has been sick with the Slap Cheek virus. Last night though after we had finished talking about Xavier, my SIL asked me "and how are you?". I thought she just meant in general and I said I was fine, work had been quiet etc, and she said "No I mean, how are you feeling after your surgery?" I realised that I hadn't even been thinking about it, that it hadn't been bothering me. I really thought that once I had the surgery, I would fall in a heap at the idea of having the device in and being unable to get pregnant. But strangely it has been a really positive thing for me. All that monthly anticipation wondering if maybe this is the miracle month has gone. That might sound negative that the hope is gone but it really isn't. For me that hope became a stress long ago and it is nice to have it all settled and I know where I stand and that stress is now gone. I have also been able to get my head around the fact that my family consists of Joel, Xavier and I and for the first time I can remember I am starting to find true happiness in my family of three without looking for anything extra. It's nice and I am content.
My SIL and I chatted for awhile and she said she was happy to know how well I was doing. Then when I mentioned to her that we had heard from the hospital and found out the date for Xavier's eye surgery (it will be June 9) she started asking if there was anything she could do to help me or Xavier around that time. She is a great cook and makes a noodle soup that Xavier adores so she said she would call in the day before with a big pot of it so that in the days following the surgery when he might be feeling yuck, he will be able to sip on some of his favourite soup. How thoughtful! It was a really beautiful talk we had and I hung up the phone and just sat and beamed for a few seconds at how lucky I was to have such lovely family members in my life.
It is a great joy for me to have such a wonderful Sister in Law, and brother in law (her husband) AND now a new baby nephew. I am so glad that when Joel and I got married, his sister ended up being part of the package! I'm a lucky lady. My SIL and I share a particularly special bond because as well as both having little boys, we have also both had a miscarriage. She has been a great source of comfort to me during the hard times. She is a very together and capable person, and she is not afraid to talk about her feelings. Even though I wish she didn't have to have a miscarriage, it has been reassuring to see that even people as together as she is struggle with miscarriage and the emotions involved. It makes me feel like less of a basket case on the bad days!
We had a great talk last night on the phone and I have been thinking about it all day. Everyone has been asking me about Xavier a lot lately because he will be having eye surgery soon and he has been sick with the Slap Cheek virus. Last night though after we had finished talking about Xavier, my SIL asked me "and how are you?". I thought she just meant in general and I said I was fine, work had been quiet etc, and she said "No I mean, how are you feeling after your surgery?" I realised that I hadn't even been thinking about it, that it hadn't been bothering me. I really thought that once I had the surgery, I would fall in a heap at the idea of having the device in and being unable to get pregnant. But strangely it has been a really positive thing for me. All that monthly anticipation wondering if maybe this is the miracle month has gone. That might sound negative that the hope is gone but it really isn't. For me that hope became a stress long ago and it is nice to have it all settled and I know where I stand and that stress is now gone. I have also been able to get my head around the fact that my family consists of Joel, Xavier and I and for the first time I can remember I am starting to find true happiness in my family of three without looking for anything extra. It's nice and I am content.
My SIL and I chatted for awhile and she said she was happy to know how well I was doing. Then when I mentioned to her that we had heard from the hospital and found out the date for Xavier's eye surgery (it will be June 9) she started asking if there was anything she could do to help me or Xavier around that time. She is a great cook and makes a noodle soup that Xavier adores so she said she would call in the day before with a big pot of it so that in the days following the surgery when he might be feeling yuck, he will be able to sip on some of his favourite soup. How thoughtful! It was a really beautiful talk we had and I hung up the phone and just sat and beamed for a few seconds at how lucky I was to have such lovely family members in my life.
Friday, May 21, 2010
An update on Xavier
Many many things to update you on regarding my boy. I hope after reading this you will all be forgiving about why I am so behind on everyone's blogs haha. I know you all are anyway but I feel really bad! I have caught up on most of your blogs today though, I promise haha.
Xavier has had so many doctors appointments this week. Appointment number one was on Tuesday at the paediatritian. You all might remember that when Xavier's daycare brought up the issue of his delayed motor skills, they reccommended taking him to see a paed. Soon after the eye specialist uncovered his eye problems and wanted the paed appt to be delayed for a few months so we could get Xavier some glasses and see if any improvement came from that first. So we delayed the appt and saw the paed on Tues. He said because the original paperwork from the daycare, the health nurse and the GP came from November, he can see that since then he has come ahead with his motor skills in leaps and bounds. He is confident we can put the delays he has had down to his vision problems and he sees no serious issues with Xavier. He has referred Xavier to have a hearing test next week but it is purely routine and we don't expect anything to come of that. He said while we are here we may as well do a hearing test since it is free and takes only half an hour. He did say there is still some delay and some hesitance in his motor skills and to help him gain more confidence he has reccommended Xavier undertake some physio work by a special children's occupational therapist. So we are just waiting on the OT to get back to us.
Wednesday's appointment was for the eye specialist. About two months ago at Xavier's last appt there we were told that we would have to start patching his good eye to try to increase the strength in the lazy one. We have been doing that and Xavier has been coping well. We had to go back on Weds to see how the eye is progressing from the patching. Unfortuneately the specialist feels that the patching is not improving things much and has decided Xavier will need to have eye surgery. This will happen within the next two or three months. They will be adjusting Xavier's eye muscles so that hopefully as well as straightening the eye, it will also start working better. I was very proud of him as once they decided on surgery Xavier then had to endure about an hour of testing and poking and prodding. This was because measurements had to be made of the eye so they know how many millimetres the muscles will need to be adjusted once they get into the operating theatre. Xavier was so brave and only cried a little bit. Brave boy! His mummy is not feeling so brave about the surgery though!!!
Appointment number three was today because for the last week Xavier has had a slight sniffle. Nothing serious just a bit of a runny nose and some sneezing. Then last night he seemed miserable with a slight fever. This morning he got up and had still a slight fever but just seemed to be feeling really sick and he also had a bright red blotchy rash on one cheek and across his forehead too. I took him to the doctor and he has a virus called slap cheek. I had never heard of it before. Thankfully it's not serious for him but gee he is not a happy camper.
As for me things are going fine following my surgery. My GYN said that some cramping and bleeding following the surgery is normal and it can often take two to three months to settle. I have had both bleeding and cramping but nothing major and I am feeling pretty good.
Love to you all.
Jo xoxoxox
Xavier has had so many doctors appointments this week. Appointment number one was on Tuesday at the paediatritian. You all might remember that when Xavier's daycare brought up the issue of his delayed motor skills, they reccommended taking him to see a paed. Soon after the eye specialist uncovered his eye problems and wanted the paed appt to be delayed for a few months so we could get Xavier some glasses and see if any improvement came from that first. So we delayed the appt and saw the paed on Tues. He said because the original paperwork from the daycare, the health nurse and the GP came from November, he can see that since then he has come ahead with his motor skills in leaps and bounds. He is confident we can put the delays he has had down to his vision problems and he sees no serious issues with Xavier. He has referred Xavier to have a hearing test next week but it is purely routine and we don't expect anything to come of that. He said while we are here we may as well do a hearing test since it is free and takes only half an hour. He did say there is still some delay and some hesitance in his motor skills and to help him gain more confidence he has reccommended Xavier undertake some physio work by a special children's occupational therapist. So we are just waiting on the OT to get back to us.
Wednesday's appointment was for the eye specialist. About two months ago at Xavier's last appt there we were told that we would have to start patching his good eye to try to increase the strength in the lazy one. We have been doing that and Xavier has been coping well. We had to go back on Weds to see how the eye is progressing from the patching. Unfortuneately the specialist feels that the patching is not improving things much and has decided Xavier will need to have eye surgery. This will happen within the next two or three months. They will be adjusting Xavier's eye muscles so that hopefully as well as straightening the eye, it will also start working better. I was very proud of him as once they decided on surgery Xavier then had to endure about an hour of testing and poking and prodding. This was because measurements had to be made of the eye so they know how many millimetres the muscles will need to be adjusted once they get into the operating theatre. Xavier was so brave and only cried a little bit. Brave boy! His mummy is not feeling so brave about the surgery though!!!
Appointment number three was today because for the last week Xavier has had a slight sniffle. Nothing serious just a bit of a runny nose and some sneezing. Then last night he seemed miserable with a slight fever. This morning he got up and had still a slight fever but just seemed to be feeling really sick and he also had a bright red blotchy rash on one cheek and across his forehead too. I took him to the doctor and he has a virus called slap cheek. I had never heard of it before. Thankfully it's not serious for him but gee he is not a happy camper.
As for me things are going fine following my surgery. My GYN said that some cramping and bleeding following the surgery is normal and it can often take two to three months to settle. I have had both bleeding and cramping but nothing major and I am feeling pretty good.
Love to you all.
Jo xoxoxox
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Thankful for the past
I have been feeling a bit reflective and it has got me thinking about how it is so easy to spend our time being anxious about the future or angry or upset about the present. Sometimes our past gets a bit forgotten by what is going on right now or what is about to happen. I am trying to focus right now on being thankful for what is in my past rather than being nervous about what is coming. I am so thankful beyond words that I have Xavier. The more that my life unfolds the more I realise just how miraculous he is. I watch people and hear about people going through try after try of IVF with no success, and here Joel and I are with a beautiful little boy who we were blessed with on our first try of IVF. I think back to when we went to pay for our very first IVF cycle. We handed over a big cheque, and were handed a big bag of drugs and syringes and wished "Good luck!" by a smiling receptionist. The experience I remember was really strange and I hated it. It made me feel like a weirdo. But then to think this magnificent boy came out of all of that is just amazing. Thankyou Lord!
And something else I am thankful for is the experience of pregnancy and of giving birth. If any of you knew me in real life while I was going through my pregnancy that statement would make you laugh. I was so sick and kept being put on bedrest which i hated. I couldn't go into a supermarket because seeing so much food made me vomit. If you wondered where I was, you could probably guess in two guesses max. I was either in the bathroom throwing up, or asleep in bed with my cat. But you know what? I look back on it with such fondness. I never thought that would be the case at the time, but it is. When I was on bedrest I had to be looked after because of course I couldn't get out of bed. Because I wasn't working, Joel couldn't stop working and so I spent a lot of time at my Mum's and she took care of me. A lot of hours were spent on Mum's couch watching DVD's or just chatting, she drove me around from place to place for my OB appointments and so forth. I was determined to do my Christmas shopping myself so I did a lot of it online. When I think back to all that it seems magical and I can't believe I was so lucky to have that happen to me, because while a lot of people would hear that story and just think "wow you poor thing, how inconvenient and how sick you must have been!" I just think of that special time of my life when I was waiting to meet my son.
I remember the nights I couldn't sleep and would get up and have a bath, because the warm water settled my sick tummy. Sometimes it would be two in the morning, or three or four. There was something magical about sitting in a bathtub while all the world was still asleep and watching your son's foot move across your belly. I remember the night before he was born. I was laying in my hospital bed and touching my belly. I could feel his foot pressed up against it, and I could feel each individual toe with my hand. I shed a few tears that this would be his last night in my tummy, and thought "I can't wait to meet you tomorrow and see those toes!". I even remember simply all the quality time I got to spend with my mother and I am grateful for that. We would watch movies and she would drive me places. We went shopping for a pram and for clothes for both me and the baby. Sometimes if our movie watching would run too late into the night I would sleep over. Joel always said he missed me in bed but really I know it gave him a much needed break from me taking up all the room, and getting up 50 times a night to pee or to vomit or because I had heartburn.
I am so happy Lord that you let me have all these things. Sometimes it is easy when I see people around me have those things again and again, and I only get them once, to feel cheated or mad. But I am not cheated, I am so so so blessed and so so so thankful. Those things might not be ahead of me again in the future, but thankyou that you saw fit to let me have them once so that they are now part of my history.
And something else I am thankful for is the experience of pregnancy and of giving birth. If any of you knew me in real life while I was going through my pregnancy that statement would make you laugh. I was so sick and kept being put on bedrest which i hated. I couldn't go into a supermarket because seeing so much food made me vomit. If you wondered where I was, you could probably guess in two guesses max. I was either in the bathroom throwing up, or asleep in bed with my cat. But you know what? I look back on it with such fondness. I never thought that would be the case at the time, but it is. When I was on bedrest I had to be looked after because of course I couldn't get out of bed. Because I wasn't working, Joel couldn't stop working and so I spent a lot of time at my Mum's and she took care of me. A lot of hours were spent on Mum's couch watching DVD's or just chatting, she drove me around from place to place for my OB appointments and so forth. I was determined to do my Christmas shopping myself so I did a lot of it online. When I think back to all that it seems magical and I can't believe I was so lucky to have that happen to me, because while a lot of people would hear that story and just think "wow you poor thing, how inconvenient and how sick you must have been!" I just think of that special time of my life when I was waiting to meet my son.
I remember the nights I couldn't sleep and would get up and have a bath, because the warm water settled my sick tummy. Sometimes it would be two in the morning, or three or four. There was something magical about sitting in a bathtub while all the world was still asleep and watching your son's foot move across your belly. I remember the night before he was born. I was laying in my hospital bed and touching my belly. I could feel his foot pressed up against it, and I could feel each individual toe with my hand. I shed a few tears that this would be his last night in my tummy, and thought "I can't wait to meet you tomorrow and see those toes!". I even remember simply all the quality time I got to spend with my mother and I am grateful for that. We would watch movies and she would drive me places. We went shopping for a pram and for clothes for both me and the baby. Sometimes if our movie watching would run too late into the night I would sleep over. Joel always said he missed me in bed but really I know it gave him a much needed break from me taking up all the room, and getting up 50 times a night to pee or to vomit or because I had heartburn.
I am so happy Lord that you let me have all these things. Sometimes it is easy when I see people around me have those things again and again, and I only get them once, to feel cheated or mad. But I am not cheated, I am so so so blessed and so so so thankful. Those things might not be ahead of me again in the future, but thankyou that you saw fit to let me have them once so that they are now part of my history.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Yes I am alive
Hi everyone. This is just a quick one because I have not posted in a while and I bet you are all starting to wonder where I have disappeared to! I am doing fine. I haven't posted because it has been so crazy here. Xavier has been very sick for quite a while with raging fevers etc. He has had an upper respiratory infection. He has been very clingy, and rightly so as my poor munchkin has been just miserable and very sick. He is on the mend now thankfully. Just as he is getting better, I went into hospital yesterday and had my surgery. It all went well. There was talk for awhile that I may have to go in for blood transfusions prior to the surgery due to my low iron levels. Thankfully I was able to raise my iron levels enough with supplements and didn't need the transfusions. I was very grateful for that not being added to my list of things to stress over.
I am a little sore now and was home today resting. Very tired from the anesthetic. The doctor said I should be fine for work on Monday so it will be good that the recovery is so short. I am having trouble bending and picking up Xavier so that is getting me down a bit. Joel is helping a lot though and has cut back his work load to help me with him. Strangely I feel very content with my decision to have the device fitted. I officially can't get pregnant right now until the device is removed in a few years, at which time we may choose to pursue TTC again or just simply have another device fitted in its place. I expected to feel sad and to cry but I don't feel sad and I don't feel the need to cry. I feel thankful and peaceful that this is over and that hopefully the bleeding I have been battling for so long is now not something I need to worry about. I am looking forward to feeling healthy and energetic - something I have not felt in so long now.
Thanks so much to all of you for the messages of support you have left me. I will catch up on all your blogs in the next couple of days. I have been so behind the 8 ball.
Love Jo xoxoxo
I am a little sore now and was home today resting. Very tired from the anesthetic. The doctor said I should be fine for work on Monday so it will be good that the recovery is so short. I am having trouble bending and picking up Xavier so that is getting me down a bit. Joel is helping a lot though and has cut back his work load to help me with him. Strangely I feel very content with my decision to have the device fitted. I officially can't get pregnant right now until the device is removed in a few years, at which time we may choose to pursue TTC again or just simply have another device fitted in its place. I expected to feel sad and to cry but I don't feel sad and I don't feel the need to cry. I feel thankful and peaceful that this is over and that hopefully the bleeding I have been battling for so long is now not something I need to worry about. I am looking forward to feeling healthy and energetic - something I have not felt in so long now.
Thanks so much to all of you for the messages of support you have left me. I will catch up on all your blogs in the next couple of days. I have been so behind the 8 ball.
Love Jo xoxoxo
Sunday, May 2, 2010
It's hard to blog right now
In the past few weeks since my last entry I have tried to write a new post. Something inspirational, something uplifting, something to help those that need it. Anything really! I have started typing, deleted it, started again, saved it, tried to come back to it, and still deleted it. The fact is I don't know what to say. I have been so disappointed by the news that Tammy and Mark faced recently. I don't think there are better people put on this earth than this wonderful couple. They have come through every obstacle thrown at them. Mark's health, many BFN's, a failed round of IVF, having to find donor embryos and all the waiting that involved. They have come through all these challenges with flying colours and been so patient because of the faith they have in God's plan. I expected that they would be rightly rewarded when they got the results of their donor cycle. After their sad news recently though, it has really left me questioning God and wondering why does it have to be them enduring all this heartache. Why can't God choose someone horrible to give all the bad luck to? haha. You are a beautiful person Tammy and a wonderful friend. I am continuing to pray for you as well as all the other mothers to be in waiting who are hurting. I remember all to well what it is like to be in that position.
What also makes it harder to write is the fact that I have been going through a little hard patch myself recently because of my upcoming surgery. I'm ok it is just naturally a little nerve wracking and also a little sad too obviously. The fact that I feel sad makes me feel like a jerk because I already have a baby and so I feel guilty to admit that some days that is how I feel. Sometimes it is easy when you see all the people out there with two babies, or three or four, or those people with stories of getting pregnant accidentally while taking the pill because they are just sooo fertile, to feel very cheated by the fact that you only get one baby. Not that I am not appreciative of the gift I have been given in my son. I am appreciative every day!! It's just that i wonder why so many other people get so many more gifts of children, and yet I am limited to one. Then I feel like a spoiled kid at Christmas complaining she only got one Barbie doll when the kid that lives next door got two, and I feel like a rotten person. Some days too when Xavier is teething or sick and is crying/ unsettled it becomes so tiring and when he finally goes to bed I am glad to sit down and have a break. Then suddenly I start feeling guilty for wanting to have a break when I know there are so many other people out there dying to step into my shoes. It is a lot of pressure to put on oneself. My husband says not to be so hard on myself and that just because I am human and I get tired and like a moment to myself now and then, doesn't mean I am not eternally grateful.
I think this post is really jumbled and doesn't really make sense. I apologise if it comes across as mindless chatter but at least I am writing something! Lots of love to everyone. Please rest assured I have been reading and keeping up with all your blogs - hurting with those that are hurting and rejoicing with those that are rejoicing. May God bless all of you - not matter what position you may be in. xoxoxoxoxo
What also makes it harder to write is the fact that I have been going through a little hard patch myself recently because of my upcoming surgery. I'm ok it is just naturally a little nerve wracking and also a little sad too obviously. The fact that I feel sad makes me feel like a jerk because I already have a baby and so I feel guilty to admit that some days that is how I feel. Sometimes it is easy when you see all the people out there with two babies, or three or four, or those people with stories of getting pregnant accidentally while taking the pill because they are just sooo fertile, to feel very cheated by the fact that you only get one baby. Not that I am not appreciative of the gift I have been given in my son. I am appreciative every day!! It's just that i wonder why so many other people get so many more gifts of children, and yet I am limited to one. Then I feel like a spoiled kid at Christmas complaining she only got one Barbie doll when the kid that lives next door got two, and I feel like a rotten person. Some days too when Xavier is teething or sick and is crying/ unsettled it becomes so tiring and when he finally goes to bed I am glad to sit down and have a break. Then suddenly I start feeling guilty for wanting to have a break when I know there are so many other people out there dying to step into my shoes. It is a lot of pressure to put on oneself. My husband says not to be so hard on myself and that just because I am human and I get tired and like a moment to myself now and then, doesn't mean I am not eternally grateful.
I think this post is really jumbled and doesn't really make sense. I apologise if it comes across as mindless chatter but at least I am writing something! Lots of love to everyone. Please rest assured I have been reading and keeping up with all your blogs - hurting with those that are hurting and rejoicing with those that are rejoicing. May God bless all of you - not matter what position you may be in. xoxoxoxoxo
Saturday, April 17, 2010
I feel lonely
I really do. And I hate it. This is because of a number of factors. Joel is working really hard with the business which is all still fairly new. It has been going great but there are so many kids that want to have their lessons after school, evenings etc. He is a driving instructor for those of you that are new to my blog. That means eating dinner alone since Xavier is usually in bed by 7pm, and passing the time by getting on the net, watching bad TV, doing housework etc until Joel gets home sometimes as late as 10pm. Normally this hasn't been a problem. He does his best to limit it to only a couple evenings a week where he is late, and usually I can go over to my Mum's house and have dinner with her or she can come to me. But the last couple of days Xavier has been really sick with a virus and so we have been housebound. It hasn't been great timing because I have been left alone with my thoughts too much. Xavier has been sleeping heaps and I have just been lounging around the house alone drinking too much coffee and thinking too much, and it has got me really down.
Today I walked down the driveway to go to our letterbox and I saw the chrysanthemum plant that is in our garden just next to the letterbox had buds on it. It made me cry. I don't know if it is the same in the States but here chrysanthemums are the official flower of Mother's Day, which of course is coming up next month. I bought that plant years ago - many years before we decided to try for a baby. Once we started TTC, every Mother's Day I would watch that plant bloom and think "yep, there goes another year, and no baby for me". Last year it was really joyful to see the buds on that plant because it was my first Mother's Day as a Mum. Today though I saw the buds and remembered my lost baby, and thought of my surgery approaching, and wondered if I would ever again get to bring another baby into the world. The question and the answer that I fear will eventually result made me feel so very very lonely. It has been a tough day.
Thankyou guys for being here for me in blog land, so that even though I may sometimes feel lonely, I will never be alone. xoxoxo
Today I walked down the driveway to go to our letterbox and I saw the chrysanthemum plant that is in our garden just next to the letterbox had buds on it. It made me cry. I don't know if it is the same in the States but here chrysanthemums are the official flower of Mother's Day, which of course is coming up next month. I bought that plant years ago - many years before we decided to try for a baby. Once we started TTC, every Mother's Day I would watch that plant bloom and think "yep, there goes another year, and no baby for me". Last year it was really joyful to see the buds on that plant because it was my first Mother's Day as a Mum. Today though I saw the buds and remembered my lost baby, and thought of my surgery approaching, and wondered if I would ever again get to bring another baby into the world. The question and the answer that I fear will eventually result made me feel so very very lonely. It has been a tough day.
Thankyou guys for being here for me in blog land, so that even though I may sometimes feel lonely, I will never be alone. xoxoxo
Thursday, April 15, 2010
My visit to the doctor
So here is the plan. I had my visit with my specialist yesterday and after a big chat about the different options available to me to combat this bleeding I have settled on the Mirena device. This is a device that sits in the uterus and keeps the lining thin by secreting hormones directly into that area. You are less likely to have side effects with it such as cramping, mood swings, bloating etc like you do with the pill because the hormone is released in the one area so not much of it ends up in your bloodstream. The device will be effective for 3 to 5 years. My doctor also wants to do a hysteroscopy which is where they insert a telescope through the cervix into the uterus to have a look at everything, and he will be able to take a sample of my lining and run some tests on it to make sure there is nothing more nasty going on. So on May 13 I am going in for day surgery to have both the hysteroscopy and the Mirena put in. Hopefully after that I will have no more of these horrid episodes of bleeding and I will start feeling better.
I am feeling pretty comfortable with my choice and proud of myself for making it. My doctor had a big chat with me to make sure that this was definitely what I wanted to do, that I didn't want to try for another baby for the next few years. I basically said to him that actually I did want another baby and that I can't lie about that. But that it is not in me right now to do more IVF and that natural is not working - we have not used contraception for 15 months since Xavier was born and nothing has happened. While I would be more than happy to just keep trying naturally forever and if it happened then it happened and if not then fine, that is putting me at the mercy of this bleeding which I can no longer live with either. So the best choice is to eliminate the bleeding, get myself back on track health wise, enjoy my son and of course my husband, and maybe in 3 to 5 years when the device comes out we may feel differently. Maybe we won't and I will get another device put in if I find it helps. Maybe I will have it in me to try naturally again. Maybe we will adopt. Maybe we will want to give IVF another try. Who knows what the future will bring.
While I am a little sad I feel pretty positive all up, and proud of myself for being brave. After living with this problem for so long and being to scared to go to the doctor and get it sorted because I couldn't bare to say goodbye to the TTC wagon, I have finally took the plunge and done it. It was hard but I was able to get through it. Go me!
I am feeling pretty comfortable with my choice and proud of myself for making it. My doctor had a big chat with me to make sure that this was definitely what I wanted to do, that I didn't want to try for another baby for the next few years. I basically said to him that actually I did want another baby and that I can't lie about that. But that it is not in me right now to do more IVF and that natural is not working - we have not used contraception for 15 months since Xavier was born and nothing has happened. While I would be more than happy to just keep trying naturally forever and if it happened then it happened and if not then fine, that is putting me at the mercy of this bleeding which I can no longer live with either. So the best choice is to eliminate the bleeding, get myself back on track health wise, enjoy my son and of course my husband, and maybe in 3 to 5 years when the device comes out we may feel differently. Maybe we won't and I will get another device put in if I find it helps. Maybe I will have it in me to try naturally again. Maybe we will adopt. Maybe we will want to give IVF another try. Who knows what the future will bring.
While I am a little sad I feel pretty positive all up, and proud of myself for being brave. After living with this problem for so long and being to scared to go to the doctor and get it sorted because I couldn't bare to say goodbye to the TTC wagon, I have finally took the plunge and done it. It was hard but I was able to get through it. Go me!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Off to the doctor
Just letting you all know that my specialist appointment is tomorrow. It is about 11.30pm here now and I am obviously not asleep because I am a little nervous I have to say. I am dying to get this bleeding sorted out on one hand so I can feel healthy and be a better mum to my boy. But on the other hand I want to run for the hills. I'm a bit scared and also a little sad that this is something I have to do. I hope the doctor can guide me in the right direction so I can make the right choices for treatment. If you could pray for that, it would be much appreciated.
Well I will sign off there, it is a short one today. I will let you know how I got on at the appointment. Thanks guys xoxoxo
Well I will sign off there, it is a short one today. I will let you know how I got on at the appointment. Thanks guys xoxoxo
Monday, April 5, 2010
A marked woman
I'm sorry guys I had a completely different post planned and almost finished in honour of Easter. But this is on my heart tonight and I feel I am really being pressed to put it out there. Maybe there is someone (other than me obviously!) who feels like this too and needs to hear this, so here it goes:
I was watching one of my favourite TV shows "Brothers and Sisters" tonight (deep so far huh?) and during tonight's episode Rebecca had a miscarriage. It made me remember my own experience in that department, which in turn made me marvel at how an experience like that changes you. To this day I still can't believe how different the woman who looks back at me in the mirror now is, compared to the one who looked back at me the day before I lost my baby. I find it astonishing that one event spun my life around so dramatically and I wonder how that could possibly be.
I use the term "marked woman" in my title because that was the best term I could come up with to describe how I feel. I feel like my miscarriage is such a dark blemish that can somehow carry across into present day events. That it affects things that are seemingly unrelated in ways that no one else but me could possibly understand. It stops me from being able to look at a situation in a particular way, and instead makes me think of it in a completely different way. My life is never going to be the same again, and I really wish that wasn't the case. I have heard the term "lost innocence" before and that also seems to sum it up. I breaks my heart though to know that that innocence is something I can not get back. I remember lying in bed during that terrible time thinking "I don't want to be somebody who has had a miscarriage. I don't want to be somebody who has lost their child." Nobody should have to experience cramping, or see blood, and know that it is the result of your child leaving your body.
I am angry that I can't just watch a TV show anymore and lie on the couch and think "aw that would be a sad situation to have to deal with" and then turn off the TV and go to bed. Instead I feel like that woman and I now belong to the same secret club. One I don't even want to be a member of. I am sad that I know what that woman on that TV show is dealing with all too well. I don't want to know what it feels like. I'm heartbroken that I can't see a baby in the street, or baby clothes in a store without feeling a little sad. I'm angry that my son's baby things are being packed up and given away because I can't use them again. I really do feel that losing my baby has put such a mark on me and I really wish sometimes that I knew how to wash it off and start over.
I'm so sorry everyone, this is such a negative post, but like I said this is what is on my heart tonight and I just had to get it out. I'll be more positive tomorrow I promise lol. xoxoxox
I was watching one of my favourite TV shows "Brothers and Sisters" tonight (deep so far huh?) and during tonight's episode Rebecca had a miscarriage. It made me remember my own experience in that department, which in turn made me marvel at how an experience like that changes you. To this day I still can't believe how different the woman who looks back at me in the mirror now is, compared to the one who looked back at me the day before I lost my baby. I find it astonishing that one event spun my life around so dramatically and I wonder how that could possibly be.
I use the term "marked woman" in my title because that was the best term I could come up with to describe how I feel. I feel like my miscarriage is such a dark blemish that can somehow carry across into present day events. That it affects things that are seemingly unrelated in ways that no one else but me could possibly understand. It stops me from being able to look at a situation in a particular way, and instead makes me think of it in a completely different way. My life is never going to be the same again, and I really wish that wasn't the case. I have heard the term "lost innocence" before and that also seems to sum it up. I breaks my heart though to know that that innocence is something I can not get back. I remember lying in bed during that terrible time thinking "I don't want to be somebody who has had a miscarriage. I don't want to be somebody who has lost their child." Nobody should have to experience cramping, or see blood, and know that it is the result of your child leaving your body.
I am angry that I can't just watch a TV show anymore and lie on the couch and think "aw that would be a sad situation to have to deal with" and then turn off the TV and go to bed. Instead I feel like that woman and I now belong to the same secret club. One I don't even want to be a member of. I am sad that I know what that woman on that TV show is dealing with all too well. I don't want to know what it feels like. I'm heartbroken that I can't see a baby in the street, or baby clothes in a store without feeling a little sad. I'm angry that my son's baby things are being packed up and given away because I can't use them again. I really do feel that losing my baby has put such a mark on me and I really wish sometimes that I knew how to wash it off and start over.
I'm so sorry everyone, this is such a negative post, but like I said this is what is on my heart tonight and I just had to get it out. I'll be more positive tomorrow I promise lol. xoxoxox
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The patching saga continues
Xavier has been making wonderful progress with his patching. He was quite upset to begin with so Joel and I decided that rather than forcing him to do the full three hours a day straight away, that we would build up to it so it was less stressful. For the last few days we have been building his patching time in half hour increments. Yesterday we managed 1 and a half hours so we are halfway there. He is doing great and we are proud of him! He got to have some ice cream with his dinner last night as a reward.
Joel and I were commenting the other day how much Xavier has grown up and how much we are enjoying this stage of his life. Even just little things keep telling us how our baby is not a baby anymore. We have thoroughly enjoyed the little baby stage but the toddler stage is really something special. It is full of kisses and cuddles and snuggles and also of discovering new things to see, touch and say. I drove to my Mum's the other day with Xavier and everytime we go to her house and knock on her door, my Mum will come to the door and call out "who's there?" and then pull open the door. Xavier finds it hilarious. Anyway a few days ago we got to Mum's, knocked on the door and Xavier called out his version of "who's there?" which sounded more like "whossere?". It was the first time he has ever done that and it was so great! I get so proud of him and love to watch him learn something new. It can also be very funny too as he often gets muddled up. He often points to things and people and says "what's that?" for an object or "who's that?" for a person. Sometimes though he will point to a person and say "what's that?" and Joel and I find it very cute and funny. We normally reply something along the lines of "THAT is your grandfather, and he is a person". I am so thankful for all these wonderful moments we are having together.
Last week Joel and I hired someone to come and mow our lawns as Joel has been working such long hours with the business and has hardly been home to do it. I don't even know how to turn the lawn mower on so as a result the lawns have gone wild. The man came to fix it up and absolutely fell in love with our dog. We have a 2 year old dalmatian called Benji and he really is a gorgeous boy. Then when he went to leave and I was giving him the money we owed him for the work he did, Xavier crawled up to the door and wanted me to pick him up. I did so and went on talking to the mower man. Xavier soon joined the conversation, babbling in his own language, smiling and laughing and the mower man really took to him as well. Just before he left he thanked me for the work we had given him and said it had really brightened his day to meet us. He said "well, it's been such a pleasure. Your husband was very nice to speak to when he arranged this, and then I saw what a beautiful dog you have, and now I see you have a really beautiful son as well. What a wonderful family. You are all so very lucky." I was so grateful for that comment. It was the first time someone has looked at our family and told us we are lucky with what we have, without asking when we are going to add to it. It made me feel so content and was just what I needed to hear.
Joel and I were commenting the other day how much Xavier has grown up and how much we are enjoying this stage of his life. Even just little things keep telling us how our baby is not a baby anymore. We have thoroughly enjoyed the little baby stage but the toddler stage is really something special. It is full of kisses and cuddles and snuggles and also of discovering new things to see, touch and say. I drove to my Mum's the other day with Xavier and everytime we go to her house and knock on her door, my Mum will come to the door and call out "who's there?" and then pull open the door. Xavier finds it hilarious. Anyway a few days ago we got to Mum's, knocked on the door and Xavier called out his version of "who's there?" which sounded more like "whossere?". It was the first time he has ever done that and it was so great! I get so proud of him and love to watch him learn something new. It can also be very funny too as he often gets muddled up. He often points to things and people and says "what's that?" for an object or "who's that?" for a person. Sometimes though he will point to a person and say "what's that?" and Joel and I find it very cute and funny. We normally reply something along the lines of "THAT is your grandfather, and he is a person". I am so thankful for all these wonderful moments we are having together.
Last week Joel and I hired someone to come and mow our lawns as Joel has been working such long hours with the business and has hardly been home to do it. I don't even know how to turn the lawn mower on so as a result the lawns have gone wild. The man came to fix it up and absolutely fell in love with our dog. We have a 2 year old dalmatian called Benji and he really is a gorgeous boy. Then when he went to leave and I was giving him the money we owed him for the work he did, Xavier crawled up to the door and wanted me to pick him up. I did so and went on talking to the mower man. Xavier soon joined the conversation, babbling in his own language, smiling and laughing and the mower man really took to him as well. Just before he left he thanked me for the work we had given him and said it had really brightened his day to meet us. He said "well, it's been such a pleasure. Your husband was very nice to speak to when he arranged this, and then I saw what a beautiful dog you have, and now I see you have a really beautiful son as well. What a wonderful family. You are all so very lucky." I was so grateful for that comment. It was the first time someone has looked at our family and told us we are lucky with what we have, without asking when we are going to add to it. It made me feel so content and was just what I needed to hear.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Patching and a few other things
Today I had a really nice day. Xavier and I went for a trip to a shopping centre that is about an hour's drive away. I had never been there before so it was fun to go somewhere different. The reason we went there is because a while ago when Xavier got his glasses I promised him that because he was being so good with them (he really is a gem and rarely takes them off!) that I would take him to the shopping centre and buy him a Humpty Dumpty stuffed toy. I had seen them before and at his gymbaroo classes he has learnt the song. Although of course he is too young to actually sing it, he does recognise it and can do actions to it. So I thought he would like having his own Humpty. Though I know he probably had no idea what I had promised him, I did promise it and wanted to get him the toy. But after seeing them everywhere, as soon as I wanted to buy one every store had suddenly sold out! That's why we ended up driving an hour to a shopping centre that had one in stock. But it was well worth it because we ended up bringing a Humpty home with us, and Xavier absolutely loves him.
Because Joel was working, we then ended up spending the rest of the day at my Mum and Dad's. There is a cot there for Xavier so he is all set when we go there. It is good company for me when Joel has a long work day. My mum is always really helpful and usually offers us to stay for dinner and then sends us home with a dinner for Joel so I don't have to cook, as well as a dinner to put in the freezer for Xavier for another day. That is exactly what happened today - Mum had made a shephard's pie and it was so delicious! Xavier loved it too and I am sure Joel will enjoy it when he gets home tonight.
Speaking of Joel, listen to what my beautiful husband did on Friday for me: I went to work and halfway through the day I get a phone call from reception asking me to come over and collect something that is at the front desk for me. I went downstairs wondering what it could be. When I got there I see a big arrangement of orange roses (my favourite colour flower is orange) with a teddy bear and a card. On the card is written "Roses are red, violets are blue, we met seven years ago today, and I still love you. Yours, Joel" I was blown away by his thoughtfulness and I really had to fight back some tears. It was a beautiful gesture. I have been a bit stressed out lately with Xavier's eye problems, as well as my friend being sick (I mentioned that a while ago you might remember? While she is doing better she still needs lots of support and it is stressful sometimes). Also I have really missed Joel as he has been working so hard getting the business up and running (you might remember he changed careers recently and that is all going fantastic as well, just obviously requires him to put in a lot of hours away from us.) I felt so blessed to have such a beautiful husband. Thankyou God.
I am in the middle of another bleeding episode but thankfully while it is making me tired it is a little bit more manageable than the last few have been. I got some bloodwork done recently and I am very anaemic but luckily not enough to warrant blood transfusions which they first thought might be the case. I am on iron supplements and an iron rich diet, and am looking forward to seeing my GYN in a few weeks to get this all sorted. I am so thankful this episode is a little more subdued. The the last two have forced me to bed for a few days but this one I have been out and about instead of being housebound. Hopefully this will be the last one before my appointment with the doctor and I can say goodbye to all this.
Lastly we received Xavier's eye patches from the Royal Childrens Hospital and have had our first go at patching his eye. We are supposed to patch him for 3 hours, 6 days a week. So far we have managed one 20min stint where we managed to distract him with a toy. All the other times we have tried he has layed on the floor and cried and tried to get it off. It is really heart breaking and I hate doing it. Hopefully soon he can get used to it and realise it is going to do him some good. I guess all he sees right now is "hey get this thing off me! it is making it so hard for me to see!" All we can do is keep trying and keep taking little steps in the right direction.
Well thats all from me, sorry for the novel. Enjoy your week everyone! xoxoxo
Because Joel was working, we then ended up spending the rest of the day at my Mum and Dad's. There is a cot there for Xavier so he is all set when we go there. It is good company for me when Joel has a long work day. My mum is always really helpful and usually offers us to stay for dinner and then sends us home with a dinner for Joel so I don't have to cook, as well as a dinner to put in the freezer for Xavier for another day. That is exactly what happened today - Mum had made a shephard's pie and it was so delicious! Xavier loved it too and I am sure Joel will enjoy it when he gets home tonight.
Speaking of Joel, listen to what my beautiful husband did on Friday for me: I went to work and halfway through the day I get a phone call from reception asking me to come over and collect something that is at the front desk for me. I went downstairs wondering what it could be. When I got there I see a big arrangement of orange roses (my favourite colour flower is orange) with a teddy bear and a card. On the card is written "Roses are red, violets are blue, we met seven years ago today, and I still love you. Yours, Joel" I was blown away by his thoughtfulness and I really had to fight back some tears. It was a beautiful gesture. I have been a bit stressed out lately with Xavier's eye problems, as well as my friend being sick (I mentioned that a while ago you might remember? While she is doing better she still needs lots of support and it is stressful sometimes). Also I have really missed Joel as he has been working so hard getting the business up and running (you might remember he changed careers recently and that is all going fantastic as well, just obviously requires him to put in a lot of hours away from us.) I felt so blessed to have such a beautiful husband. Thankyou God.
I am in the middle of another bleeding episode but thankfully while it is making me tired it is a little bit more manageable than the last few have been. I got some bloodwork done recently and I am very anaemic but luckily not enough to warrant blood transfusions which they first thought might be the case. I am on iron supplements and an iron rich diet, and am looking forward to seeing my GYN in a few weeks to get this all sorted. I am so thankful this episode is a little more subdued. The the last two have forced me to bed for a few days but this one I have been out and about instead of being housebound. Hopefully this will be the last one before my appointment with the doctor and I can say goodbye to all this.
Lastly we received Xavier's eye patches from the Royal Childrens Hospital and have had our first go at patching his eye. We are supposed to patch him for 3 hours, 6 days a week. So far we have managed one 20min stint where we managed to distract him with a toy. All the other times we have tried he has layed on the floor and cried and tried to get it off. It is really heart breaking and I hate doing it. Hopefully soon he can get used to it and realise it is going to do him some good. I guess all he sees right now is "hey get this thing off me! it is making it so hard for me to see!" All we can do is keep trying and keep taking little steps in the right direction.
Well thats all from me, sorry for the novel. Enjoy your week everyone! xoxoxo
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Xavier's eye specialist appointment
Pretty self explanatory title :) I just wanted to fill you all in on the latest updates with Xavier's eyes. We saw the paediatric opthamologist about 5 weeks ago and as you know, Xavier was prescribed some glasses, which he has been coping with like a champion. We had our follow up appointment with the P.O. again yesterday just to check and see that the glasses were doing their job. Unfortuneately even though they seem to be helping him a whole lot, they aren't going to be enough to fully fix his eye problems like the doctor first thought. He has quite a bad turn in his right eye and the doctor was confident the glasses would be enough to correct this. The turn has not improved which apparently it should have started to do by now. More tests were conducted at the appointment and it turns out that the right eye has now become what they call a lazy eye.
The correct term for a lazy eye is "amblyopia" and basically the specialist explained to me that because the turned eye has been confusing Xavier's brain, what the brain does to eliminate that confusion is it begins to "turn off" some of the pathways that send messages back and forward from brain to eye. Now that eye has very limited vision and so we need to help Xavier's brain turn those pathways back on again. The way we are going to do that is Xavier is going to wear a patch on his "good eye" for 3 hours every day, so that the bad eye is left to do all the work. Hopefully this will send messages to the brain that the eye now needs to be working. That is the best I can do at explaining it all!
I have ordered some special eye patches from the Royal Childrens Hospital and they should come next week and we will be able to start working at getting this eye right. The doctor said that it will be a tough road because when we take away his good eye by patching it, he will be quite distressed at the limited vision he will have. I am feeling really sad about it all! My poor baby. I have spoken to his day care about all of this and they have been incredibly supportive and said they will work with us as best they can. The director of the centre told me her little boy also needed patching so she knows what I am going through. What a coincidence!
We are going back to the eye specialist in two months to check on Xavier's progress. Fingers crossed the patching will do the job! The alternative will be eye surgery and I am really hoping obviously that we can avoid that, but of course anything that will help him will need to be done. The eye specialist is also going to check out my eyes while we are there next time as I actually have the same condition as Xavier (amblyopia of the right eye). Wonderful genetics huh! As a child I also had to endure patching and two surgeries. The specialist was asking me about my condition when we were discussing Xavier and in our conversation he asked me when I last got checked out. I informed him that apart from seeing the in store optometrist when buying new glasses, I had not seen an actual eye specialist since I was 16, because even though my vision is quite shocking it does not seem to be getting worse, as my glasses script is always the same according to the optometrist, so I have never bothered following it up with the specialist. He told me that this is apparently very naughty and so I booked myself in to see him the next time Xavier goes. He sees adults as well obviously!
Well, I better sign off and get some sleep! Night everyone!
The correct term for a lazy eye is "amblyopia" and basically the specialist explained to me that because the turned eye has been confusing Xavier's brain, what the brain does to eliminate that confusion is it begins to "turn off" some of the pathways that send messages back and forward from brain to eye. Now that eye has very limited vision and so we need to help Xavier's brain turn those pathways back on again. The way we are going to do that is Xavier is going to wear a patch on his "good eye" for 3 hours every day, so that the bad eye is left to do all the work. Hopefully this will send messages to the brain that the eye now needs to be working. That is the best I can do at explaining it all!
I have ordered some special eye patches from the Royal Childrens Hospital and they should come next week and we will be able to start working at getting this eye right. The doctor said that it will be a tough road because when we take away his good eye by patching it, he will be quite distressed at the limited vision he will have. I am feeling really sad about it all! My poor baby. I have spoken to his day care about all of this and they have been incredibly supportive and said they will work with us as best they can. The director of the centre told me her little boy also needed patching so she knows what I am going through. What a coincidence!
We are going back to the eye specialist in two months to check on Xavier's progress. Fingers crossed the patching will do the job! The alternative will be eye surgery and I am really hoping obviously that we can avoid that, but of course anything that will help him will need to be done. The eye specialist is also going to check out my eyes while we are there next time as I actually have the same condition as Xavier (amblyopia of the right eye). Wonderful genetics huh! As a child I also had to endure patching and two surgeries. The specialist was asking me about my condition when we were discussing Xavier and in our conversation he asked me when I last got checked out. I informed him that apart from seeing the in store optometrist when buying new glasses, I had not seen an actual eye specialist since I was 16, because even though my vision is quite shocking it does not seem to be getting worse, as my glasses script is always the same according to the optometrist, so I have never bothered following it up with the specialist. He told me that this is apparently very naughty and so I booked myself in to see him the next time Xavier goes. He sees adults as well obviously!
Well, I better sign off and get some sleep! Night everyone!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tammy and Jennifer's jewellery give-away!
My lovely friend Tammy is hosting a jewellery giveaway for HER friend Jennifer who sounds equally as lovely :) Basically, Jennifer makes and sells her own one of a kind jewellery pieces. The proceeds from the sales of her jewellery are to fund her IVF treatments. So not only can you pop over to Jennifer's blog and end up with a nice piece of jewellery that nobody will have seen before, but you will also be supporting a very worthwhile cause as well. Pay day is tomorrow for me and I am looking forward to snapping up some earrings I have my eye on :)
If you check out Tammy's blog on the above link you will see quite a few different ways in which you can enter the draw to win a birds nest necklace made by Jennifer. As much as I hope to win it myself, I also hope you do visit Tammy's blog for the chance to compete with me, and of course Jennifer's blog as well. Even if you can only afford to browse, her jewellery really is something to see!
Have a great week everyone!
If you check out Tammy's blog on the above link you will see quite a few different ways in which you can enter the draw to win a birds nest necklace made by Jennifer. As much as I hope to win it myself, I also hope you do visit Tammy's blog for the chance to compete with me, and of course Jennifer's blog as well. Even if you can only afford to browse, her jewellery really is something to see!
Have a great week everyone!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Finding the brave girl within
This is a bit corny but I honestly feel like infertility has taught me much more about myself than what I would have ever known had babies been an easy thing for Joel and myself to come by. If you had've told me at, say, age 18 that I was going to be labelled an "infertile" and so was my husband, and that kids were going to be in doubt for us then I would have told you that I couldn't survive that. I might have also said something selfish like I wanted a different husband or something. But 9 and a bit years older and I can thankfully say I CAN survive that. I also would never dream of wanting a different husband (actually I just watched the movie "The Holiday" and I think Jude Law could be nice! hehe). All jokes aside, my husband really is the best there is. I know without a doubt that God means me to be with this man forever, and if that means that through my problems or his, that we can't have any more children then I guess we are not supposed to. I am glad I have learnt to be the type of woman who can realise this.
Somewhere along the journey of infertility, people started labelling me with words like "brave" and "strong". Let me tell you though, when I was in the midst of such a tough time, I really thought these people were crazy. People would say "you are coping so well, you are such a strong person" and I would think "my goodness if they only knew that I am barely hanging on here". But I guess they ended up being right because time went on, I fought the battle, and though I was barely hanging on, I DID hang on until the end. Thankfully I also "won" because I have my boy. It wasn't until recently, that I looked back on all we had been through that I saw how brave and strong we really had been, because at the time it was just something we had to do, not something we did because we were brave.
Sometimes when I have a hard day, I try to remember how brave I am, and how sometimes being brave means different things. Sometimes being brave just means getting up and making it to work that day. Sometimes it means having the courage to smile and shrug off an insensitive comment. Sometimes it means to fight with all your worth. And sometimes, like I am discovering these days, it means having the strength to admit that the battle is over, and you need to move on. After having the miscarriage, last July I could not for the life of me imagine being in that place. But here I am, and even though it hurts a lot, I also have found peace.
I really had to dig deep for that inner brave girl yesterday when I took Xavier to his weekly swimming lesson. Joel was home and decided to accompany us and to take Xavier into the water, so I had the rare task of sitting and watching. Along came the mother of Xavier's little swimming friend carrying her new 8 day old baby girl, and she sat down next to me. I admired the little girl and asked her name. I was taken aback to discover that she had been given the very same name that we had picked out for a girl when I was pregnant with Xavier. For some reason that made me sad. Then she asked me would I like to hold the baby and I felt impolite to say no. While I was holding this gorgeous baby girl and gushing over her, as I do with babies in general, the questions started coming in about "when are you and Joel going to have another one?". I took a big breath, put on a big "I'm totally fine with this" smile and said breezily "oh unfortuneately we aren't able to, as much as we'd like to." That was really hard to do, and is still smarting a little today. But hey, I did it, and I survived!
Somewhere along the journey of infertility, people started labelling me with words like "brave" and "strong". Let me tell you though, when I was in the midst of such a tough time, I really thought these people were crazy. People would say "you are coping so well, you are such a strong person" and I would think "my goodness if they only knew that I am barely hanging on here". But I guess they ended up being right because time went on, I fought the battle, and though I was barely hanging on, I DID hang on until the end. Thankfully I also "won" because I have my boy. It wasn't until recently, that I looked back on all we had been through that I saw how brave and strong we really had been, because at the time it was just something we had to do, not something we did because we were brave.
Sometimes when I have a hard day, I try to remember how brave I am, and how sometimes being brave means different things. Sometimes being brave just means getting up and making it to work that day. Sometimes it means having the courage to smile and shrug off an insensitive comment. Sometimes it means to fight with all your worth. And sometimes, like I am discovering these days, it means having the strength to admit that the battle is over, and you need to move on. After having the miscarriage, last July I could not for the life of me imagine being in that place. But here I am, and even though it hurts a lot, I also have found peace.
I really had to dig deep for that inner brave girl yesterday when I took Xavier to his weekly swimming lesson. Joel was home and decided to accompany us and to take Xavier into the water, so I had the rare task of sitting and watching. Along came the mother of Xavier's little swimming friend carrying her new 8 day old baby girl, and she sat down next to me. I admired the little girl and asked her name. I was taken aback to discover that she had been given the very same name that we had picked out for a girl when I was pregnant with Xavier. For some reason that made me sad. Then she asked me would I like to hold the baby and I felt impolite to say no. While I was holding this gorgeous baby girl and gushing over her, as I do with babies in general, the questions started coming in about "when are you and Joel going to have another one?". I took a big breath, put on a big "I'm totally fine with this" smile and said breezily "oh unfortuneately we aren't able to, as much as we'd like to." That was really hard to do, and is still smarting a little today. But hey, I did it, and I survived!
Monday, March 15, 2010
If you're an idiot and you know it clap your hands!
Can you hear me clapping my hands? haha Yes it's true I am officially an idiot. Not only do I cry at TV weddings but I also buy pregnancy tests at 9pm for no apparent reason. This is completely ridiculous and stupid, I know that. In my defence I didn't go out just to buy the pregnancy test. I went out to buy bread. And I haven't bought a pregnancy test for so so long. Not for at least 2 days. Ok that last sentence was a joke. It has been many many many months since I last purchased one haha. It is just that I was picking up my bread and saw a pregnant lady and thought to myself "hmmm that reminds me..." which started a series of "I wonders" and that led to me picking up a test and adding it to my basket.
Of course I completed the test and saw the regular one line, felt crappy and therefore ate an easter egg which I had also purchased along with the pregnancy test and the bread. So there you have it. I expect the Australian Prime Minister will make an announcement in the morning confirming how I am an idiot. If you don't want to be friends anymore I understand hahaha
Love Jo xoxoxo
Of course I completed the test and saw the regular one line, felt crappy and therefore ate an easter egg which I had also purchased along with the pregnancy test and the bread. So there you have it. I expect the Australian Prime Minister will make an announcement in the morning confirming how I am an idiot. If you don't want to be friends anymore I understand hahaha
Love Jo xoxoxo
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Many many things to catch up on...
I apologise for my absence. My best friend has been very unwell of late and I have been pretty stressed and busy visiting her, helping her mum out etc. I won't go too much into it for her privacy but basically she has had an emotional breakdown. She has had a lot of health problems in the last few months - one after the other. Now it appears her partner has ended their relationship because her health problems have been too stressful for him (yeah nice huh?). Basically everything has been building up for her over the last few months and now she has found this last development pretty tough to take. She is quite unwell emotionally at the present and we are all trying to help her as best we can. I would really appreciate your positive energy and prayers for her. God will know who you mean!! :)
Thanks Tammy and Amy for travelling across from the old blog to the new one. Thank you Amy for the comments on Xavier's name. Yes I love it too! The reason we chose that name is a nice story. I was originally stuck on the name Samuel for a boy because of the story of Hannah from the Bible. I was totally in love with the name but then when we had the 20 week ultrasound and they told us we were having a boy, I all of a sudden felt directed away from the name. It was really strange but I just knew we were not having a Samuel! So Joel and I sat down and got out the old baby book and read out names from it together. If we liked a name we would then look at its meaning and see if it was significant to us. We got to the name "Xavier" and both of us lit up instantly and said we loved it. Then we looked at the meaning and saw that Xavier means "a bright new home". We were sold on the name then! As lots of you going through infertility know, sometimes your home can become a sad place at times. There are empty rooms with no kids in them, injections and hormones in your bathroom cupboard, lots of tears shed in bed at night etc. We just knew our boy would make our home into a beautiful place and bring joy into it. Sure enough he did!
Speaking of Xavier, I couldn't be more proud of him! He got his new glasses a week ago (you might remember from my old blog that he has been having some problems with his motor development and that this has recently been put down to some problems with his eye sight) and he is doing so well with them! It has really positively impacted on everything from the way he plays with his toys, to his ability to pick up his food and feed himself, and he is now enjoying books and different things that he didn't show much interest in previously. Here is my gorgeous boy in his specs. Hope you like his t shirt too! I found it online:
Lastly, some news on me: I am booked into my specialist to sort my bleeding issues out on April 14. I am proud of myself for making the appointment. I am a little sad I can't lie. This was heightened by the passing of March 6 this weekend which would have been my due date if my pregnancy last year had have turned out better. However most of me is peaceful and even excited at the prospect of having this horrible health problem sorted. It has been a terrible thing to endure since I was about 13 and it has caused me everything from embarrasment in high school to blood transfusions due to iron deficiency. It will be nice to not even have to think about it anymore.
Have a wonderful week everyone!
Jo xoxoxo
Thanks Tammy and Amy for travelling across from the old blog to the new one. Thank you Amy for the comments on Xavier's name. Yes I love it too! The reason we chose that name is a nice story. I was originally stuck on the name Samuel for a boy because of the story of Hannah from the Bible. I was totally in love with the name but then when we had the 20 week ultrasound and they told us we were having a boy, I all of a sudden felt directed away from the name. It was really strange but I just knew we were not having a Samuel! So Joel and I sat down and got out the old baby book and read out names from it together. If we liked a name we would then look at its meaning and see if it was significant to us. We got to the name "Xavier" and both of us lit up instantly and said we loved it. Then we looked at the meaning and saw that Xavier means "a bright new home". We were sold on the name then! As lots of you going through infertility know, sometimes your home can become a sad place at times. There are empty rooms with no kids in them, injections and hormones in your bathroom cupboard, lots of tears shed in bed at night etc. We just knew our boy would make our home into a beautiful place and bring joy into it. Sure enough he did!
Speaking of Xavier, I couldn't be more proud of him! He got his new glasses a week ago (you might remember from my old blog that he has been having some problems with his motor development and that this has recently been put down to some problems with his eye sight) and he is doing so well with them! It has really positively impacted on everything from the way he plays with his toys, to his ability to pick up his food and feed himself, and he is now enjoying books and different things that he didn't show much interest in previously. Here is my gorgeous boy in his specs. Hope you like his t shirt too! I found it online:
Lastly, some news on me: I am booked into my specialist to sort my bleeding issues out on April 14. I am proud of myself for making the appointment. I am a little sad I can't lie. This was heightened by the passing of March 6 this weekend which would have been my due date if my pregnancy last year had have turned out better. However most of me is peaceful and even excited at the prospect of having this horrible health problem sorted. It has been a terrible thing to endure since I was about 13 and it has caused me everything from embarrasment in high school to blood transfusions due to iron deficiency. It will be nice to not even have to think about it anymore.
Have a wonderful week everyone!
Jo xoxoxo
Friday, February 26, 2010
This feels strange!
Here I am writing my first post of the new blog. Please bear with me while I iron out all the kinks. I am not the most computer elite person out there! For those of you who are new to my story, I have blogged for the past year under a pseudo name just to protect my privacy. But for a few different reasons I have decided to go au naturale for this new blog. I have met so many great friends who aren't afraid to put themselves out there and in doing this they really reach out and their stories are such great food for the soul. So I want to extend you all the same courtesy and just be myself.
For those of you who did read the last blog, thanks for moving across with me and let me get the introductions out of the way. My real name is Jo. I have a wonderful husband called Joel and a gorgeous 13 and a half month old boy called Xavier. As I have said in my title this is feeling really weird to be writing an intro on a completely new part of my life. But I am glad I am doing it and I am even more glad that you are sharing it with me.
The decision to move onto "Life after TTC" was a big struggle for me. One of the reasons I blog is because I hope to gain strength from the support of friends. As miraculous as Xavier is and as thankful as we are to have him, it is still with great sadness that my husband and I come to terms with the fact that we have lost a basic choice that most other people have. Even though we have a child, it still hurts to have the choice to have more taken away. It seems unfair and cruel and sometimes I feel like throwing a big tantrum. That is the honest truth. We have both male and female factor infertility at play in our situation. My problem (PCOS) has been giving me a lot of grief since I was a teenager. My main issue is that my periods are extremely heavy and nothing I try seems to help that. The bleeding is so heavy that more than once in my life my iron levels have been depleted through blood loss and I have become very sick. When I am experiencing the bleeding I cannot do things like attend work or sleep comfortably. I also get very unwell and weak and cannot pick up my son or do basic things like housework. I have been putting off treatment since Xavier was born because we decided to do more IVF. Then once that was over I still found I could not bring myself to seek treatment due to the fact that it represented the end of our TTC journey. Now I am finally in a place where I am peaceful with the decision to head back to my specialist and get it all sorted out. Apart from anything else, Xavier deserves a healthy mummy who can look after him.
I guess the first blog post is always the hardest so now that I have broken the ice I will sign off and get some sleep. Thanks again for reading and I look forward to sharing my story with you.
For those of you who did read the last blog, thanks for moving across with me and let me get the introductions out of the way. My real name is Jo. I have a wonderful husband called Joel and a gorgeous 13 and a half month old boy called Xavier. As I have said in my title this is feeling really weird to be writing an intro on a completely new part of my life. But I am glad I am doing it and I am even more glad that you are sharing it with me.
The decision to move onto "Life after TTC" was a big struggle for me. One of the reasons I blog is because I hope to gain strength from the support of friends. As miraculous as Xavier is and as thankful as we are to have him, it is still with great sadness that my husband and I come to terms with the fact that we have lost a basic choice that most other people have. Even though we have a child, it still hurts to have the choice to have more taken away. It seems unfair and cruel and sometimes I feel like throwing a big tantrum. That is the honest truth. We have both male and female factor infertility at play in our situation. My problem (PCOS) has been giving me a lot of grief since I was a teenager. My main issue is that my periods are extremely heavy and nothing I try seems to help that. The bleeding is so heavy that more than once in my life my iron levels have been depleted through blood loss and I have become very sick. When I am experiencing the bleeding I cannot do things like attend work or sleep comfortably. I also get very unwell and weak and cannot pick up my son or do basic things like housework. I have been putting off treatment since Xavier was born because we decided to do more IVF. Then once that was over I still found I could not bring myself to seek treatment due to the fact that it represented the end of our TTC journey. Now I am finally in a place where I am peaceful with the decision to head back to my specialist and get it all sorted out. Apart from anything else, Xavier deserves a healthy mummy who can look after him.
I guess the first blog post is always the hardest so now that I have broken the ice I will sign off and get some sleep. Thanks again for reading and I look forward to sharing my story with you.
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