Happy Halloween

As usual I have a whole lot of updates, because I seem to have taken to blogging at a rather infrequent rate. Once again, please know that I am up to date with all your blogs!

I wanted to start by saying Happy Halloween to everyone. I have always loved Halloween, even as a kid. It has never been a big deal here in Australia and while every year we get a few trick or treaters, they are pretty few and far between. Last year it rained so we only got one lot of people to our door. I wish the holiday would take off over here, because I think the whole idea of dressing up is really fun. People don't have a good reaction to it here though generally. I'm not sure if it is because of the supernatural theme behind it, or the whole "knocking on people's doors asking for candy" thing or some other reason. The younger generation like people my age seem to think it's all fun, but the older generation don't react well to it. Also I think because of political correctness, people feel they can't talk about stuff like Halloween these days. When I was a kid we used to talk about Halloween at school, and even make decorations. Now because Australia is such a multicultural society, anything that may cause offence to people of certain cultures or religions is generally not discussed as part of the school curriculum. So Halloween is not discussed, and while Christmas is mentioned in conversation kids don't make decorations or anything like that as part of their schooling anymore. It is quite sad really - I don't see why we can't just talk about and support all beliefs.

As for family updates it has been rather crazy. My father fell down some steps and injured his shoulder recently at work, and had to have surgery to repair the shoulder last week. A week before he was due to have the surgery my mum broke her ankle. The thing is though - she doesn't know how she broke it. One morning she just woke up and it had swollen and was unbearably painful, so she went to the doctors and they sent her for x-rays. They are now concerned that because she doesn't know how she did it, this may indicate osteoporosis. She will have bone density tests in the next few weeks.
With both my parents out of action - they are both unable to drive, shop, do housework etc I have been doing all that stuff for them. I am exhausted!! But of course, I am always happy to help my folks.

I have a bit of an announcement to make, and it is something I have known for a while but have been keeping close to my chest. Joel and I recently decided that we are going to chase our dream of a second baby. Nobody IRL knows this yet, apart from the two of us. Also it is not something that is going to happen now - it will be in the future. There is still a lot of preparing to be done. We have been saving hard because of course it will be back to IVF for us, but we still have a lot more saving to do, I want to lose a few pounds and my iron levels are still a bit low from all the bleeding issues I had in the past, so they need to come up. Also of course my Mirena device is still in place and doing a great job, so that will need to come out. Lots of things to consider. Also there is lots of emotion to overcome too. When we had Xavier I knew that even though the journey had been tough, I was ready and able to do it again. Joel was unsure whether he could cope with it again though. Don't forget that even though it was me that went through the pregnancy physically, it was pretty scary for him too. He has admitted to me that when I got put in hospital and had to be given blood transfusions etc, and then in the end they decided a c section was needed because I was getting too sick, he was terrified. Prior to the pregnancy, I was hospitalised during the IVF process with ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome so it had been a whole run of scary health related stuff that Joel had to watch me go through.

Then when we had our last FET and we lost the baby Joel decided he was done. It has been a long process but I learnt to come to terms with being a one child mum. Many months ago, Joel expressed to me that he was feeling like we were meant to have another child, but said that if I wasn't comfortable then that was fine. At that time, I wasn't interested. I had made my peace with our situation and I had no desire to stir up emotions that had been put to rest. But as the months went by I found that now the desire had been woken up again, it wouldn't go away. I have prayed a lot about it, and a few things have happened that have made me feel like we are supposed to at least try for baby number 2. If it doesn't work out, then I will be OK. I am scared to be putting my heart back on the line, but I honestly do feel like it will be all right whatever happens. So anyway - that is my news and we shall see what God has in store. Lots of Love to all of you. Jo xoxoxo

A whole lot of updates :)

Hi all, I just looked at the date of my last blog and was pretty amazed to see it was done in June. Since we are now in August I really should write something. I'm such a bad blogger aren't I? If there was a blogging olympics I would not even qualify lol.

First thing's first - Xavier! He is going really well. He is chatting a whole lot more - still not actually having conversations as such, but he is talking more than just singular words. Before he would point to things and name them. So he'd point to a car and say "car!" etc... but now he is interacting more and using words to tell us what he wants or how he feels, which is really pleasing. He has been a lot less frustrated with us too, because his wants are being met faster. He talks to us in short two or three word sentences. Like for eg. he might be having his dinner and get full so he will push his dinner away and say "all done". Or today we were on the way to visit my Mum and Dad, and he recognises the way. He must have realised where we were headed because he started yelling out "Hi Nan!" It is really great to hear him chatting more and more, and we anticipate that his vocab skills will continue to develop.

Xavier also recently started with an Occupational Therapist. He has had one session so far and the main aim of it is to try and get his motor skills up. He still really struggles using his hands and fingers, so activities that other kids his age are doing without a second thought - like drawing - he is struggling with. The OT has some really great strategies and she has got me doing some different techniques with Xav at home. Already in a week and a half of working with Xav at home, he is holding a crayon the right way up and scribbling a bit on a piece of paper. It is in a clumsy "hit and miss" kind of way, but the point is he is doing it all on his own, whereas before he was needing lots of assistance to do that.

The other big news is that we got Xavier tickets to see The Wiggles in concert in Dec. He is a Wiggles fanatic right now - he loves them! So we hope he really enjoys the concert. By Dec he will be a little bit older too so that should be good for him to properly enjoy it. We have the concert advertisement stuck on our fridge at the moment and Xav loves to look at it. He points and says "Da Wuggles! Wow!!!" Joel and I are really looking forward to taking him to see them live.

Next on my update is Joel - it is his 30th bday this month on the 28th. He is a bit depressed about turning 30. He says he doesn't want to get old LOL. That sort of stuff has never really bothered me - age is just a number to me. I'm going to try to lift his spirits with a little party on the day. Also we are going to go out to lunch on the day as well, then the party will be in the evening. I'm soooo not sure what to get him though for his present and time is running out, so if anyone has any ideas let me know OK? :)

Last on my update is just something I wanted to mention about my sister. A few weeks ago Mum told me that she was over for dinner at my parents and got into a big deep and meaningful about me, and the fact that I don't speak to her. She said to Mum that she feels ashamed for all her past behaviour and that she wants to get counselling, and start to get her life together, and make amends for the grief she has caused us all. She said she doesn't blame Me or Joel for having to distance ourselves from her and that she understands the things she has done to us over the years need more than just an apology to fix, she needs to work on her behaviour and show people she has changed and then hopefully she can start to rebuild the bridges in time. Mum relayed all this to me, and I was shocked and pleased, because in my sister's whole life, I have never known her to accept responsibility for anything. No matter what she does, it is always somebody else's fault. I came home to Joel when I learnt this and was very happy and hopeful that my sister might finally be getting herself together and that maybe in years to come someday we might have a relationship again.

The last few weeks I have felt good about that, but then today it all came crashing down. I was over at Mum's and my sister rang up hysterical saying she has found a lump on her breast. Sorry to sound awful but before you gasp and say "oh my God" I want to explain that my sister has a very long history of faking illnesses for attention. She faked ovarian cancer once and kept the charade going for months before she had to admit it wasn't true and she had lied. When she was pregnant with my niece she lied and said it was twins, then she lied and said she lost one of the twins and we all rallied around her. Eventually in the end she got found out that there was just the one baby all along. There have been other occassions too - so basically when she says she has an illness it sounds awful, but we do get skeptical. Mum said when she rang this afternoon she was sobbing on the phone and was absolutely hysterical. Mum tried to get the full story out of her and in the end it turned out that she had a lump that had been there for a month or two - it has gone away and come back a few times and she had gone to get it checked with the GP. The GP said because it's coming and going and because of the appearance of the lump, she thought it was just a harmless cyst possibly to do with hormones. But she referred my sister for an ultrasound anyway to be on the safe side. My sister rang to book the u-sound and couldn't get in till next week, so she had gone into a panic and rang my Mum in tears. I think she had allowed her imagination to get the better of her.

Mum was doing her best to try to reassure her, and was saying things like "I know it's stressful but it sounds like the doctor is pretty confident it's OK, and is just being thorough by sending you for an ultrasound..no point stressing at this stage...etc" I was trying to be helpful by saying it could be a blocked duct as I have had one of those before. Mum said to my sister "Your sister is over here and she said it could be a blocked duct - so you see there's lots of harmless things it could be". Then I hear Mum say "Hey there's no need for that language and talk, I know you're upset but that's enough". When Mum gets off the phone I asked her what my sister said. Apparently she let fly to my Mum this whole heap of abuse directed at me. She said to Mum "Don't you tell me what my sister says, I don't have a sister anymore - she is nothing but a..... *insert colourful language here* and she is dead to me, I am an only child."

My sister is pretty melodramatic so I'm used to her being pretty over the top, but this really made me sad especially after I thought she was making progress. It has really made me realise that she must be very erratic and very up and down in her emotions - with good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't have contact with her, because I wonder if I should be extending my hand and offering support and help. Then I remember the years that I spent doing that and having my life ripped in tatters all the time by her antics. And that it was her refusal to accept all of our offers for help that have resulted in me having to put the distance between us. Once I had a child I just felt I couldn't subject my family to it any longer.

Anyway I better sign off there - once again this is more of a book than a blog update. Have a great night everyone. Love Jo xoxoxoxo

Advice needed about friendship

OK so this might be a bit of a novel so I apologise. I think I have the comment function fixed on my blog so I would really appreciate some advice - I am a bit torn on what to do here.

Before working at my current job I worked at a jewellery store with a gorgeous bunch of girls. While I haven't kept in touch with absolutely everyone I worked with there, the time I spent working there was great, and there are a select few girls whom I definitely have kept in touch with and whom I consider to be true friends. My "best" friend there was "L". She and I spent so much time together, went out together a lot, had dinners at each others houses. She was my bridesmaid at my wedding and in all honesty was a tower of strength for me during the wedding planning, as I was dealing with problems with my sister at the time and was under a lot of stress. She organised my hens night, my bridal shower, went shopping with me, all that bridesmaid stuff. She even babysat our cat while we went on honeymoon! I took her out for dinner and to a concert to thank her for all she did for me.

After I left the jewellers and started my current job, we were still just as close. She and her partner moved house and she called me and invited me to a housewarming party they were having. I told her that it was the same day as my dad's birthday and so I would come to her party later in the night once I had had dinner with dad. The day before the party my dad was admitted to hospital with pneumonia. We were all quite worried and I wasn't in the mood for going to "L"'s housewarming as I wanted to focus on being with my dad. I tried calling her mobile (cell phone) but I got a message saying the phone had no signal and I would have to try again later. I tried many times over a 24 hr period and kept getting the same message. It was not uncommon for L and her partner to go on short holidays. I wondered if maybe they were away and therefore were somewhere that her phone wasn't getting reception. Maybe they would be returning for their party that night. I wasn't sure. So in the end, even though I hate cancelling on people through text message, I sent a message explaining about my dad and saying I wouldn't make it to her party. Because she had just moved house I did not have a correct home phone number. I also want to say that I rang the jewellers where she still worked. None of the girls there were going to the party but I left a message at the store anyway.

Weeks went by and I heard nothing from L. I tried calling a few more times over the next two weeks. Sometimes I would get the funny message on her mobile, and sometimes it would ring with no answer. I thought nothing of it, and assumed she would get back to me at some stage. This co incided with my egg retrieval surgery for our first IVF cycle. Then a few days after the surgery I was admitted to hospital with ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome and stayed there for over a week. Our embryo transfer had to be cancelled and our 9 embryos had to be frozen. It turned out only 2 were suitable for freezing so we lost 7. I blamed myself because I had gotten sick and when I returned back home, still not feeling the best physically, I was also really broken emotionally. On that first day home I laid in my bed all day and cried and felt so low. Then my phone beeped and it was L. She had sent me a text message abusing me for failing to show at her party which by this time was over a month ago. She called me some horrible things and said that I had become obsessed with trying to get pregnant and that obviously all I worried about was babies and myself these days. She obviously had not got any of my messages and so as far as she was concerned I had not showed up and hadn't even called. She had no idea of what was happening in my life at that time, and her text just happened to come on the worst day but I found it so petty when I had just been so sick and lost all but 2 of our embryos. My feelings were hurt too because anyone who knows me would know I would never not show up to somewhere I was expected without notifying someone. I would expect a close friend to know this and to give me the benefit of the doubt and at least call me to get an explanation before getting mad at me. Also in her rant she said something like "and if you are wondering why I am bringing this up now its because my phone has been broken and I have only just got a new one". I thought well if you know your phone hasn't been working why do you automatically assume I haven't called you? For all you know I have called many times (which I did) and have not been able to get in touch. Why then would you choose to abuse me without checking the facts first?
In my anger and upset I sent back a short message saying I didn't want to be friends anymore and for her to not contact me again. That was it. No explanation, no abuse back.

Several years have gone by since then and we have not been in contact. A few times she has tried to get back in touch with me but it has been done in a way that I have not appreciated. What I mean by that is that obviously I am not perfect and no one is, so obviously from time to time we say the wrong thing, lose our temper etc. I am a believer in forgiving things like that within reason as long as I get an apology. If I did the wrong thing I would give someone a call or go over to their house and talk with them face to face. I would say "Hey, I am so sorry. I did the wrong thing. I said an awful thing to you. What can I do to help you forgive me because I feel terrible I have upset you? etc". Despite my phone numbers or address not changing since she was in contact with me, L has never tried to call or come over. Once she sent a Christmas card but all she wrote was "Dear Jo and family" and "Love from L" with the printed greeting in the middle that is put in the card at the factory when it's made. She didn't write anything extra. A couple times she has bumped into friends of mine and asked them do they still keep in touch with me. When they have said yes, she has asked them to say hi for her. I know some people would see this as putting in an effort but I feel the effort is minimal and in a way it kind of makes my feelings even more hurt that she hasn't done more. I also know that once when she bumped into a friend of mine, my friend told L all about the fact that I had tried to get in touch with her to say I wasn't coming to her party, that my dad was sick etc and also told her that her nasty text had come on a day when I had just come out of hospital. Even after knowing all of that, that is the best she has done to try to be friends again. Others will say that I should be the bigger person and extend my hand in friendship to open the door again, but I just don't believe it should be put on me when I feel like I did nothing wrong. I know that is stubborn but that is how I feel.

Anyway today she has sent me a friend request on facebook. She hasn't written anything on the message, just sent the request. I have no idea if I should accept it or not. Any thoughts??? :)

Testing again

Testing

Just a test post as my comment function has not been working and am seeing if it is fixed.

"I want that!"

Xavier has been seeing a speech therapist since last year to help him with his communication. Yes he is 2 and a half, I hear you say, but up untill now his communication has been in the form of gesturing/pointing and grunting. He does say some words, but not really in a conversation form. When he talks it is more that he is pointing something out to me and has learnt the corresponding word to that item - like he will point to his shoe and say "shoe" or to a tree and say "tree". There are a few things that he has learnt by imitation as well, like when he tells my mum and dad's dog to "sit" and when Dad and I took Xavier shopping for my mum's birthday handbag and my dad taught him the "go team" thing. Other than those things, when he tries to communicate with me he will point and grunt. If he wants a drink, for example he will take my hand and lead me to the fridge, then tap on the fridge and grunt - he doesn't actually come out and say "I want a drink". A two and a half year old should be able to hold a basic conversation. You should be able to ask them what they want on a sandwich and they should be able to think about the options and choose one, for example. Many tantrums have resulted over the past few months when the pointing and grunting haven't been quite enough for me to establish what exactly Xavier wants. It is very frustrating for both him and me, so the speech therapist has been working with us so that I can teach him to actually verbalise what he wants or needs. We have been using hand signs and picture boards for him to point to, which really have helped a lot.

You can imagine my delight the other day when Xavier pointed to a tub of yoghurt in our fridge and said so clearly "I want that". I nearly fell over with surprise! I picked up the yoghurt and asked him "You want this? You want some yoghurt?" and he said "want yoghurt". Well I got that lid off the yoghurt and got him a spoon quick smart, and when he saw that his need had been met he squealed in delight and clapped. It was like a lightbulb moment for him, and I tell you what, it made my week!!

Xavier has an MRI

I can't remember if I posted about this or not, but back at the start of this year when we swapped Xavier's paediatrician, the new paed suggested that Xavier should have an MRI. Because he has delays in several areas including his motor skills and speech and his balance seems to be affected the paed thought it would be irresponsible not to check and make sure everything was OK with his brain. This all sounded incredibly scary to me and over the top, so I asked our GP and also the opinion of Xavier's eye specialist, speech therapist and physiotherapist. They all whole heartedly agreed that an MRI was a good idea. The way everyone put it was that having the MRI was crossing anything nasty off the list. They said it wasn't a big deal, we do the MRI, everything goes fine and then we never have to worry about that again. So I agreed and put him on the wait list. We went last Weds to the children's hospital here in Melbourne and Xavier had his brain MRI. Because obviously a two and a half year old is not capable of lying still for the half hour that it takes to have the scan, Xav had to have a light anesthetic. He handled it all fine though and we were home by lunchtime.
On Friday Xavier's paed rang because we had made an appointment for June 30 to go see him to discuss the MRI results, but he had received the results already and they showed that everything was completely normal, and he didn't see the point in making us wait for that news. We were both very happy to have a clear MRI result but the paed was still cautious about things. He said that while he totally agrees this is a great result, he wants us to still realise that we still don't know the reason for Xavier's delays and we still have to keep working with him and keep exploring things. We have kept the appointment for June 30 to speak with him further.

I must admit some days I do worry about Xavier. He is a delight to us every day, we love him more than words can say, and we just want good things for him. Some days Joel and I will watch him do something, or be playing with him and he blows us away with something clever that he does. We both turn to each other and marvel at how well he is doing and how there is nothing at all wrong with him - that he is a normal happy kid. Then other days there are obvious concerns. I take him to a baby music class every Tuesday because he enjoys the activities and I think the socialisation is good. The instrument playing is also good for his co-ordination and motor skills. I completely know that one should not expect there child to be like other children because everyone is different. But there are about 10 other kids in the group that are the same age and I feel like Xavier is not like any of them. While the class holds their attention and they can follow each instruction and interact with the teacher, Xav seems oblivious to the fact that there is any structure. He just wanders around the room and does his own thing. The other kids look at him all puzzled wondering what he is doing, and I have seen other mum's giving both him and I some odd looks. Because it is winter here, several times over the last few weeks it has rained outside while we were at music group. The rain has been a total distraction for Xavier each time, and he has completely abandoned class to sit at the window and watch the rain. I have mentioned a few of these things to the paed and he says it is too early to make assumptions on this behaviour and that he will be able to be more accurately assessed once he is 4 or 5.

It is a really confusing time right now. I remember before having children I would wonder how I would cope if my child had a disability or a special need. I always knew it would make no difference in terms of my love for the child, and it absolutely does not. I always thought it would be incredibly hard, but really all these appointments and extra work are just things that need to be done, so you do them and you don't think much of it. One thing is for sure though - even if Xavier does end up having "something wrong with him" I still think he is perfect and I would still wish for more Xavier's in my life.

Confidence (and an update)

I'll start with the update - just wanted to say that Mum's birthday dinner went well and she loved the gift that we got her. My sister didn't show up to the dinner - she called about an hour prior and said that she and her boyfriend couldn't make it as he had been called into work, and if he doesn't accept work then they won't call him in again and they really need the income. I was disappointed for Mum but she was OK about it and actually was happy they were making a responsible choice to work. Also my sister and her boyfriend came over to Mum and Dad's house the next day for lunch so at least she made an effort to see Mum for her bday. A lot of the time my sister just doesn't acknowledge the event so it was good she came and gave Mum a gift and wished her well. I have to admit I was a teeny bit pleased for myself not to have to deal with my sister on the night though as selfish as that sounds. A bit of news though regarding my sister - remember quite a while ago when she said she was pregnant and carried on the story for ages and then it turned out she was making it up? I think I wrote about this on my old blog. Well when she went to Mum and Dad's house for lunch the other day, she told Mum she is 16 weeks pregnant. Mum and Dad both brought up the fact that she had told them lies about being pregnant before and asked them was she really being truthful this time and she assured them she was telling the truth. I am trying to take it with a grain of salt because I am so used to her stories but part of me is wondering if there is any truth to it. I will keep you posted.

Now for my post..
I am starting to realise how much my infertility struggles have shattered my self confidence. Especially when it comes to parenting, but surprisingly in most areas of life. I am trying to go back in time mentally to try to pin point what exactly it was that caused this and I am finding a great deal of possible culprits. I originally thought it was because of the miscarriage, but as I think back I realise this feeling of hopelessness stretches back a long way. Until I really thought about it, I hadn't realised how negative my memories of the whole TTC - becoming a Mum journey are. Here is how my story runs in my head:
Couldn't get pregnant, had to have IVF. Finally got pregnant, was incredibly sick, couldn't have a natural birth, had to have a C section. Couldn't breastfeed. Did IVF again, got pregnant but miscarried. Then my son has to have help for developmental delays. For some reason all this stuff has collected and has caused me to feel quite down sometimes and also to doubt my mothering skills and other capabilities. I don't know why this has happened and deep down I know it's not true. You can tell me all you like that I am a good mother and that all those things weren't my fault. Most of the time I will nod and tell you truthfully that I know that. But sometimes I do get quite depressed over it.
When I had the miscarriage I saw a counsellor and went for maybe 3 sessions and decided to stop. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't helping and that i didn't need it. I have gone through life since then with the theory that if I don't think about things then they won't upset me and I'll be OK. Most of the time this has worked, but on the odd occasion I have found the thoughts catch up to you and leave you in a big heap. Then you get up again and are fine again for another few months. Lately though, the times when I am left in a heap by all these emotions are becoming more frequent. Don't get me wrong, I am OK, but I do have my moments when I just want to sit and cry and yet I don't know what exactly I am crying for. I am thinking the time has come to revisit counselling. What has also thrown me for six is that in the last 2 months Joel has done a complete turn around and told me he would like another baby. He says if I don't feel like I am in the right place then it's OK but it's something he would like to think about. I do want another baby more than anything, but I never thought it would be an option so I have gone a long way towards making my peace with being a one child Mum. As great as it is to think of getting to have another child, it is taking me a lot of courage to even think about putting myself back in danger of being hurt by all the highs and lows that infertility bring. Anyway, I just wanted to vent on that. Lots of Love and thanks! Jo xoxoxo

My mum's birthday present

I have to tell you all about the shopping trip I had with my Dad recently. Remember it was my Dad's 60th birthday back in Feb and we had a party? Well May 20 is my Mum's 60th. She is not having a party, more a small dinner. She has chosen a restaurant and Mum, Dad, Joel, Xav and I plus my Gran (Mum's mum) and a few of Mum's friends are getting together for dinner. Yes my sister is invited but I will get to that in a minute.

My Mum and Dad never exchange gifts for birthdays or Christmas. I think it's odd myself (I would kill Joel if I didn't get a gift!!) but they are more "activity" people rather than "gift giving" people. What I mean is that if it's Mum's birthday my Dad won't get her a present but he will spoil her for the day - he'll cook her breakfast, take her to a movie, take her out to dinner etc. Mum will do the same sorts of things for Dad. Regardless of this, when it was Dad's 60th Mum felt that since it was a big birthday and there would be a party etc that she should get him a present. So now that Mum's 60th is approaching Dad came and asked me what did I think he should get for my Mum. Mum had mentioned to me that she wanted a new handbag as her old one was wearing out. So Dad and I got the idea to put our money together and buy her something really special together. So last week Dad, Xavier and I went shopping for a handbag and purse set for Mum.

To start with it was difficult to convince Dad to drive the extra 15 min to the larger shopping centre where they have better shops and a larger choice of bags and purses. Dad wanted to go to our local shopping centre which we live about 5 min from (Mum and Dad live very close to us). Not that he wouldn't go that far and make the effort, but he just didn't get what the difference was. I had to explain that while our local centre only had 2 bag stores that were small, the other larger centre had at least 5 - one of which was massive - and that if we went to the bigger centre we were likely to only need to go to that one massive store and would most probably find what we were looking for really quickly. So with my Dad on board off we went to the bigger mall.

When we got to the store we wanted to go to Dad and I both split up and looked around. Xav wouldn't come with me, he wanted to go with his Pop! I located a beautiful bag really quickly that I thought Mum would love. I went to find Dad and Xav who were together on the other side of the store, to show Dad what I had found and see what he thought. Dad had in his hand a bag that I knew my Mum would hate. My Mum is very conservative and the bag my Dad had chosen was little and shiny with a big gold clip on the front. It had a tiny little handle, a pattern around the trim, and you know on the Chanel bags how they have the embelem with the C's on them? Well this was not a Chanel bag but it had some type of big embelem on it. And I know it's not about money but I have to say the bag also was pretty cheap. Dad, however, was beaming like he had struck gold and was really proud of himself.

I kept saying it was a nice bag, not wanting to crush his spirit on his first ever handbag shopping trip, but I was searching for a way to steer him away from it. I ended up saying something along the lines of "Wow dad, what a shame that bag only has a little handle. Mum likes a long strap so she can put the bag on her shoulder like this (I demonstrated with the bag I was holding). But Wow it's a great choice, if only it had the longer strap, that would be the one for sure." It was true what I said about Mum wanting a longer strap, and seeing me with the bag on my shoulder jogged his memory and he said "ah yes, that is how your Mum wears her bag". He then looked at my choice and liked it a lot so we then decided to look for a purse to match.

Dad really put his all into finding her a purse. He held up one that was lovely, had lots of compartments which Mum loves, was a good price and the right colour. The only thing was that the leather was a different leather to the bag we had chosen. But he had put so effort in and we had gone with my choice for the bag that I really felt we should go for the purse. I don't think Mum will mind the purse doesn't exactly match once I explain. So we paid for our purchase and it's really lovely because Dad is still so happy that he felt involved in the choosing. Everytime he sees me now he will bring up our shopping trip and what a good team we made. Then he will give Xavier and I a high five and Xavier will yell "Go Team!!" which Dad taught him. It's really sweet, and if it's the thought that counts when you give a gift, I think my Mum will be very happy.

As for what I was saying regarding my sister, do you remember me writing about the scene she made at my Dad's party? On the day of Dad's party she told Mum it was because Dad made her feel left out. As the weeks and months have gone by the story has changed and now the reason she got upset and made a scene was because it was me that made her feel left out, because apparently I was "flaunting that I am close with our parents". I'm not sure how I did that considering I had no contact with her for the day and just went about my business and mingled with people. I did say a speech at the party and thanked everyone for coming and wished my Dad a happy birthday. I also came to the party before everyone as I brought the cake and helped Mum decorate with balloons etc. Maybe it was one of those two things that made her feel that way, although I can't see how that would affect her. Anyway she told mum that in the future, she didn't want to come anywhere that I would be. As much as I prefer to keep my distance from her, I do want her to come to family functions for my parents sake. I don't believe I caused any problems for her at Dad's party and as far as I was concerned she deserved to be there. She told Mum recently that she wouldn't be able to come to Mum's bday dinner because I would be there. Then all of a sudden last week she changed her mind and says she will now come because "why should I stop her from attending Mum's 60th birthday". I have no idea why she feels I am stopping her. I certainly wasn't doing anything of the sort. So at this stage she is coming and Mum is pleased. I hope there are no scenes like at Dad's!! I'll keep you posted!

Love Jo xoxoxo

Royal IVF...

I got swept up in the hype of the Royal wedding last week and really looked forward to watching it. I loved it! The bride looked elegant, I loved the dress, thought Harry was hilarious, thought William was obviously besotted with his Princess, which was very touching. It was all lovely, and a nice change from the "bad news" we seem to so often hear in the news these days.

I had a funny thought though, that I wanted to share with you all. So much hype is resting on this couple - William and Kate - to have children so there can be an heir to the throne. A large part of their wedding service was a prayer asking the Lord to bless them with the gift of children. I know children are an important part of a lot of marriages and unions out there, but I can't remember being to a wedding before, where having children was such a standout issue. Then that made me wonder what would happen if they couldn't have kids. I feel it would be such pressure and 10 times more heartbreaking for a royal to suffer from infertility than "regular people". I wonder whether if IVF was needed would it be "allowed" or frowned upon? Would it be advertised or would it be something that people would feel the need to cover up?

I have no idea to the answers of these questions, but I kind of have an inkling that it might be a bit of taboo. I have to say that while I watched the royal wedding and enjoyed it, a small part of me was just a little bit glad I did not have to be a princess with that sort of expectation on me! Hopefully though, this is not an issue for William and Kate and I wish them a long and happy life, with as many children in their future as they desire.

Have a great week everyone! xoxo

My angry anniversary

I have found it pretty hard to get this post out - but it's been on my mind for a little while now. I'll do my best! A few years ago now on Good Friday I gave my heart to Jesus and became a Christian. I am terrible with dates and times etc so I now just count Good Friday as my anniversary even though the date varies each year. At the time, I was going through a whole lot of hard things - issues with my sister, issues with infertility and I was feeling very lost, alone and unsettled. A friend of mine suggested I come to her church sometime. She sings in the church choir and often leads the choir in solos etc - she's a great singer - and she sort of used that to get me to church, as in "why don't you come and hear me sing..." I was happy to go, and very quickly found a place there. I went every week for quite some time, and began to learn more about God. Good Friday came and I was invited to attend a baptism which was taking place before the service on Good Friday morning. It was so powerful and I was enthralled. Then as part of the church service later on the pastor got everyone in the room to close their eyes and asked that anyone who was not a Christian but who would like to make the step, to please put their hand in the air for him to see. I found myself putting my hand up and I was the only one who did. After the service concluded and everyone was mingling and having tea and coffee, the pastor came and found me and spoke to me, and then asked me into a quiet room where we spoke further and prayed together and then I asked Jesus to come into my heart. It was a very powerful moment in my life and I shed tears while making this pledge. Since then I really have felt like a changed person. I have had my ups and downs and have lost my way a few times, but have always managed to find the way back to God in the end. I know my life has been all the better because God is now a part of it.
Last week though, I faced a tough time when Good Friday rolled around for another year, only to find myself very confused about God's will. Most of you will know of the beautiful Tammy, who after 7 years of disappointing BFN's finally received her BFP last Monday, only to have it be taken away 2 days later when her beta dropped. I am struggling to make sense of it, and I am sorry to say I feel not only confused, but kinda angry at God. Then on Good Friday itself I woke to the news on TV saying that a little girl who had gone missing last year - her parents had reported her abducted in a very highly publicised case - had been found dead overnight, and her parents had been arrested over the murder. Then I was very angry! All day, one word kept going through my head: "why???" Why do people like that get to have kids when good people like Tammy have to struggle? I don't understand! It is so very hard when God's will does not seem to match our own. I really hope God's will does become apparent soon, and that Tammy's baby will come into her life in some way, and that we all then are able to say "a ha!!! So that's what He had in mind!! That makes sense!!"
Tammy I know you must be in a lot of pain right now - and I am thinking of you always and praying for your peace. I know it probably doesn't come to you as much comfort now, but please know from my own experience that once you do have your baby in your arms it is going to make sense to you. Every tear and every heartbreak will all seem to fit together into a neat little puzzle that all seems relevant because it led to your child. Right now though, while you await that moment, please take care of yourself and find comfort in knowing that you have friends to help you through. xoxo

Family update

My last post was about my frustration with my Dad and I feel bad about the vent now that I have spent the day with Xavier, at my Mum and Dad's house and found out a few things about what is going on in their world right now. Apparently my sister has been in trouble again and has had to go back to court. They have been quite devastated about it. You might remember that when I was pregnant with Xavier - just 3 weeks before he was due - my sister was arrested for stealing money from her work. A few months later she had to appear in court where she plead guilty to theft charges and supposedly had learnt her lesson. Mum and Dad were absolutely gutted over it. Mum was in tears constantly when the arrest happened. Because I was already struggling with blood pressure problems among other things in the pregnancy, Joel and I think the stress that this caused everyone was one of the contributing factors towards me having to be placed in hospital 2 days after my sister was arrested. I was having trouble sleeping, my mum was bursting into tears every two minutes, and then I went to my OB appointment and found my blood pressure was at a dangerous level and I got admitted to hospital where I stayed til Xavier was born. So now we were very disappointed to learn that recently my sister apparently had to make another court appearance for welfare cheating. Apparently she was declaring things that weren't true to gain more money. When I was over at my parents house today my mum had to go to the store to get a few things and Xavier was having a nap, so my dad and I got to spend some time together alone. He started talking and really opening up about all the stuff they have gone through with my sister and how much he is hurt and distraught over it. He doesn't really open up much about feelings so this was a rare insight into his mind. He said he is ashamed of my sister's actions and doesn't know where he went wrong with her. He misses her children (his grandchildren obviously) because as I have mentioned before, we now don't get to see them and havent for the last 2 years. He said lately he has been having trouble sleeping as he has been dreaming of the children - nothing bad just that they are visiting and spending time with my mum and dad, and then he wakes up again and misses them. He then said that as much as he dislikes my sister's ex, he is glad the kids are with him because when they were with my sister they weren't treated like kids should be. At least now they have a stable home and all the necessities they need in life. Dad said if he has to sacrifice seeing them in order for their life to be better by living with their dad then that is what he thinks should happen. I felt so sad for my Dad and never realised how depressed he has been over all the stuff that has happened. I guess that could be why he is taking things so hard with Xavier. He probably doesn't want to think about anything being wrong. He just wants to believe everything is perfect with Xavier because in his mind I guess it probably is.

My dad

It's good to have this blog to get things off my chest. I have a bit of venting to do about my Dad. Don't get me wrong, I totally love my Dad. But sometimes he is not open to other viewpoints. He just gets in his head that his opinion about a certain topic is the only correct one, and then he can't see that somebody else's opinion can also have merits. I have been having a bit of trouble with his response to all the stuff with Xavier's development. It is making me feel like crap to be honest. Basically he can't accept that Xavier is behind the other kids of his age group and that he might need extra help. In his eyes Xavier is perfect and can do no wrong and he doesn't need help with anything. He gets very defensive and angry when you even suggest anything of the sort. Don't get me wrong, I think Xavier is perfect too, but I also think I need to be realistic about what sort of level he is on. Dad acts like I am seeking help for him because I want him to be some sort of super kid or something. It's not about that - it's about him being able to function when he is older. I am trying to get him the help he needs now so that later down the track, he will be better equipped for his life. If I ignore his need for help now then later on he may really struggle. Every time I bring up any of Xavier's therapy appointments, Dad gets mad and goes into a rant about how I should leave the poor kid alone and let him do things at his own pace. As if I am trying to push him like a stage mother or something. I say to him "listen dad, the paediatrician has said Xavier needs to go to speech therapy (or whatever therapy we are talking about at the time) so I am taking him." and then he will go on about how the paediatrician is probably getting a commission and it's all a big set up etc. It is just exhausting! It makes me panic too because I wonder if down the road Xavier is actually diagnosed with a disability or condition that is causing all of this, how will my dad react? My mum has been great with it all. She actually works as a disability support worker so she understands that sometimes obviously people need help. The other day Mum asked me about our latest paed appt and she asked the question of whether or not the paed thought Xavier would be able to go to a regular school or would he need a special school. I said to her that I had asked the same question and the paed said we wouldn't know until he was a little older and we did some assessments in regards to his readiness for school. But I mentioned to her that I had done some research and found there is a really nice Special Development School right near us and that I would put that in the back of my mind and if it turned out later that he did need to go there I would look into it further. My dad overheard all this and really got annoyed with me "my grandson doesn't need a special school...etc etc" all that sort of stuff. Grrr what is his problem!!???

A big Xavier story

Over the Christmas/New Year period I went AWOL a bit from blogging just because life got a bit hectic. During that time we had some new developments on Xavier's situation and because I wasn't regularly blogging each little update as it happened, it has become a big update. I keep thinking "I must update everyone" but of course it takes a while to sit down and do a big post so I haven't as yet got there. So today here we go. Xavier's having a nap, Joel's at the gym, chores are done, house is quiet. Time for the update:


You might remember that Xavier saw a paediatrician a few times last year. His name was Dr C. He was a nice doctor, but to be honest he didn't have a lot to say. He suggested a few things but it was all more along the lines of "don't worry, he'll catch up" kind of talk. Not that I wanted him to say something was wrong, I just hoped he would have more solutions or shed more light on the subject. I must say, without disrespect to him, that the last 2 times we went I paid the money at the end and wondered what exactly I was paying it for, so in the end I didn't make another appointment. As time went by a little I started to feel funny about Xavier's development. Of course we have known for awhile that he is behind the other kids. He improves all the time, but then so do the other kids, and he always seems to be that little bit behind the 8 ball. We were always of the impression that it was his eye sight that was causing the problems. Then we saw an ENT as he was found to have fluid in the ears and needed grommets, so that was another reason for him being slower. But then it got to a point where both the eye and ear specialists were saying their work was done and the problems were resolved and yet he still wasn't catching up. I found that worrying so I decided it was time for a new paed.


Xavier has been seeing a physio since Aug last year because of his motor skills. She has done wonders with him and knows her stuff. I asked her if she could reccommend a paed and she said she could highly reccommend one. So I made an appointment quite a while ago and his wait list was so long that we couldn't get in for a first appointment till this Jan just gone. So we waited it out and went to see the new paediatrician Dr B on Jan 6.


It was a very confronting appointment. I really liked the doctor alot, but he was a straight talker and did not sugar coat anything. I think I have been used to things being sugar coated and being told "don't worry it's just his eye problems..etc...he will catch up" so I wasn't expecting someone so forthright. He didn't say anything meanly or unkindly, he just didn't hold back. He saw Xavier for about half an hour with us in the room. He did quite a few different tests and activities with him, and then sat down and spoke to us. He said that Xavier has what is called "global developmental delay" which means that he has delays in two or more areas - his are speech and motor skills. He explained that GDD is not a diagnosis, it is more of a symptom and now we have to see if we can find a cause. For example, someone with a chromosomal abnormality like Downs Syndrome might have GDD. Their condition is not GDD, it's Downs Syndrome. The GDD is a result of that.


Dr B said that up until now we have understandably been thinking that the delays are caused by eye and ear probs, but that while that was still a possibility, it was starting to get to the point where we should look and see if we can find any other cause. He ordered a lot of tests - blood tests, urine tests etc to check for chromosomal abnormalities, metabolic disorders and things like that. He also put us on the list for Xavier to have an MRI at the children's hospital in June. Xavier has balance issues and issues with using his hands for fine motor skills. Again, we have always thought this was sight related. Dr B. wants to do the MRI to rule out any brain issues that might be the real culprit. He said he doesn't think we will find anything, but says it would be silly not to check. At the moment we are paying for all Xavier's therapy with the physio and a speech therapist out of our own pocket, which can get very costly. Dr B has put us on the wait list for a government service where he can get those services at a discounted cost. He has also helped us apply for a Carers benefit through the government which can help to fund his medical costs.


Today we went back to Dr B to get all the test results and touch base again. All his blood and urine tests came back normal so that is great news. Now we just have to wait for the MRI in June. I asked him what would happen if that came back fine too. He said it is common for GDD to be found to have no obvious cause. Sometimes kids that have GDD just catch up along their life. But he said that I have to be realistic and he is not a genie that knows the future. Some children don't catch up. Sometimes they need to go to a special school, sometimes they can go to regular school but they need assistance while they are there. He said we won't know what his capabilities are until we wait for him to grow up and show us. We just have to give him all the help we can while he is growing.


So that is where we are at so far. Sorry this story has been a bit delayed in me telling it, but as you can see, so much has happened. It has all been a little scary but I am trying not to get too far ahead into the future. As Dr B said, we can't see into the future. He may completely catch up by the time he's older, and if not he may need more help than other kids. There are then so many more scenarios in between, so we just have to wait and see what happens, give him all the help that we can, and trust God.


Thanks everyone for making it to the end of this long post, and thanks for the nice responses to my last post about my due date. I am feeling a lot better about it all, and your kind thoughts helped. xoxo

I forgot my due date

I am ashamed to say it. As you all know, in June 2009 we undertook an FET. We achieved a pregnancy but were told it would be shortlived judging from my HCG numbers. This proved to be correct and I had an early miscarriage. I have since heard doctors describe my experience as a chemical pregnancy - a term I hate because I think it's as good as saying "not a real pregnancy". Had the pregnancy progressed my due date would have been March 6 2010. Last year on March 6 I was pretty upset. I think about it and I still feel such sadness. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of my baby at least once, and when I don't ask myself questions that start with the word "what" . What would it be like to have 2 children under 3 in my house? What gender would the baby have been? What would Xavier be like as a big brother? etc etc. Mainly these sorts of questions hit me late at night when I am lying in bed going off to sleep.

I felt terrible when I saw the date on the calendar the other day, and I saw that March 6 had past me by this year and I hadn't realised it. I don't know what this is supposed to mean but for some reason I feel really guilty about it.

The perfect housewife

That's what I feel like today! I spent my afternoon doing housework and stewing plums lol. Very 1950's! You might have seen on the news that we have had one crazy summer here in Australia. We have had so much rain and therefore we have had flooding in both Queensland and also here in Victoria. The floods in VIC, which is the state where I live, were like nothing I have ever seen before. It was my Dad's 60th bday on Feb 5, and the night before was when it started pouring with rain. I was just driving out of work when it hit, and man was it scary driving in that kind of a downpour! The next day I tried to get to Mum and Dad's house for Dad's party, and what is normally a 10min trip took almost two hours due to roads being flooded and closed. I tried so many different routes and everytime I would almost get to their house, the road would be closed and I would have to turn back. Finally, I got there. Most party guests were able to make it although a handful couldn't due to their streets being flooded, or because their houses had been damaged in the storm the night before.

Why am I telling you all this? Because it explains the stewed plums! These floods have severely affected our fruit crops here in AUS. My little boy is a banana addict and not really keen on many other types of fruit. He is fantastic with veggies but as far as fruit goes, bananas are the only thing he is interested in. Any other fruit is met with a scrunched up nose and a "yuck!". As a result we usually have bananas in our house by the truckload, but now because the banana crops have been so affected they have skyrocketed in price. Instead of being the normal $2.99 a kilogram they are around $8.00 and our normal supply of bananas that I would regularly buy in our shopping trip costs over $20. This inspired me to experiment with different ways to try to get some other type of fruit into my son. It turns out he will eat any sort of fruit if it is stewed, especially if it has a dollop of yoghurt on the top. So my dear mum has taught me how to stew fruit and today I decided to try plums out. I will let you all know the verdict :)

It's about time...

I posted again! I seriously win the award for the world's most laziest blogger these days. To be honest I think sometimes that I feel I don't have anything too exciting to say. A lot of you are still going through your baby journey - going to appointments and waiting to find out exciting news - that stuff is exciting. What I am doing at the moment is just living life. I am having a great time, it's lovely. But it just sometimes doesn't make for interesting reading lol.

Xavier is going wonderfully. I took him to his 2 year old check up at the maternal health centre yesterday and he got a great report. There are still some delays that we are working on but we are getting there and he continues to progress. You might remember he moved up to the next room level at his daycare recently? Well he is doing well in the room and having an absolute ball with the bigger kids. It has been great for him and he has really come out of his shell since joining the room.

As for the latest on my sister and my niece and nephew - some of you might remember my last post before Christmas when I mentioned that we had finally tracked down an address for my niece and nephew and had been able to send them a Christmas card. We were hopeful for a response of some kind but unfortuneately we didn't get one. My thoughts lean towards perhaps my sister's ex intercepted the card. He is very bitter towards her and perhaps is carrying the grudge towards us. I don't have any proof of this though, I am just assuming.

My Dad had his 60th birthday earlier this month and my sister came, so it was the first time I had seen her in almost 2 years, and the first time she had seen Xavier since he was 8 weeks old. We didn't speak. I had come the party knowing she might come, and for my Dad's sake even though I still don't really want her in my life, I was prepared to be nice on the day if it happened that she spoke to me. The party went fine but on a couple of occassions during the day she tried to start trouble by causing a scene, so as it turned out I kept my distance from her. It makes me sad because although I ultimately made the decision to end contact with my sister because of her behaviour, I would like to think that sometime she might try to make some positive changes to her life and behaviour and try to right a few wrongs. But she was up to her old tricks again at Dad's party so it was disappointing.

Anyway I better sign off. Hope you all have a great week and I promise to be a better blogger from this moment forward ! :) haha