I just love my Sister in Law. As most of you know, I don't have a relationship with my sister. That also means I don't have too much of a relationship with my niece and nephew. I miss them a lot and when I chose not to be in contact with my sister that was the hardest part about making that choice - knowing my niece and nephew would not be as close with me.
It is a great joy for me to have such a wonderful Sister in Law, and brother in law (her husband) AND now a new baby nephew. I am so glad that when Joel and I got married, his sister ended up being part of the package! I'm a lucky lady. My SIL and I share a particularly special bond because as well as both having little boys, we have also both had a miscarriage. She has been a great source of comfort to me during the hard times. She is a very together and capable person, and she is not afraid to talk about her feelings. Even though I wish she didn't have to have a miscarriage, it has been reassuring to see that even people as together as she is struggle with miscarriage and the emotions involved. It makes me feel like less of a basket case on the bad days!
We had a great talk last night on the phone and I have been thinking about it all day. Everyone has been asking me about Xavier a lot lately because he will be having eye surgery soon and he has been sick with the Slap Cheek virus. Last night though after we had finished talking about Xavier, my SIL asked me "and how are you?". I thought she just meant in general and I said I was fine, work had been quiet etc, and she said "No I mean, how are you feeling after your surgery?" I realised that I hadn't even been thinking about it, that it hadn't been bothering me. I really thought that once I had the surgery, I would fall in a heap at the idea of having the device in and being unable to get pregnant. But strangely it has been a really positive thing for me. All that monthly anticipation wondering if maybe this is the miracle month has gone. That might sound negative that the hope is gone but it really isn't. For me that hope became a stress long ago and it is nice to have it all settled and I know where I stand and that stress is now gone. I have also been able to get my head around the fact that my family consists of Joel, Xavier and I and for the first time I can remember I am starting to find true happiness in my family of three without looking for anything extra. It's nice and I am content.
My SIL and I chatted for awhile and she said she was happy to know how well I was doing. Then when I mentioned to her that we had heard from the hospital and found out the date for Xavier's eye surgery (it will be June 9) she started asking if there was anything she could do to help me or Xavier around that time. She is a great cook and makes a noodle soup that Xavier adores so she said she would call in the day before with a big pot of it so that in the days following the surgery when he might be feeling yuck, he will be able to sip on some of his favourite soup. How thoughtful! It was a really beautiful talk we had and I hung up the phone and just sat and beamed for a few seconds at how lucky I was to have such lovely family members in my life.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
An update on Xavier
Many many things to update you on regarding my boy. I hope after reading this you will all be forgiving about why I am so behind on everyone's blogs haha. I know you all are anyway but I feel really bad! I have caught up on most of your blogs today though, I promise haha.
Xavier has had so many doctors appointments this week. Appointment number one was on Tuesday at the paediatritian. You all might remember that when Xavier's daycare brought up the issue of his delayed motor skills, they reccommended taking him to see a paed. Soon after the eye specialist uncovered his eye problems and wanted the paed appt to be delayed for a few months so we could get Xavier some glasses and see if any improvement came from that first. So we delayed the appt and saw the paed on Tues. He said because the original paperwork from the daycare, the health nurse and the GP came from November, he can see that since then he has come ahead with his motor skills in leaps and bounds. He is confident we can put the delays he has had down to his vision problems and he sees no serious issues with Xavier. He has referred Xavier to have a hearing test next week but it is purely routine and we don't expect anything to come of that. He said while we are here we may as well do a hearing test since it is free and takes only half an hour. He did say there is still some delay and some hesitance in his motor skills and to help him gain more confidence he has reccommended Xavier undertake some physio work by a special children's occupational therapist. So we are just waiting on the OT to get back to us.
Wednesday's appointment was for the eye specialist. About two months ago at Xavier's last appt there we were told that we would have to start patching his good eye to try to increase the strength in the lazy one. We have been doing that and Xavier has been coping well. We had to go back on Weds to see how the eye is progressing from the patching. Unfortuneately the specialist feels that the patching is not improving things much and has decided Xavier will need to have eye surgery. This will happen within the next two or three months. They will be adjusting Xavier's eye muscles so that hopefully as well as straightening the eye, it will also start working better. I was very proud of him as once they decided on surgery Xavier then had to endure about an hour of testing and poking and prodding. This was because measurements had to be made of the eye so they know how many millimetres the muscles will need to be adjusted once they get into the operating theatre. Xavier was so brave and only cried a little bit. Brave boy! His mummy is not feeling so brave about the surgery though!!!
Appointment number three was today because for the last week Xavier has had a slight sniffle. Nothing serious just a bit of a runny nose and some sneezing. Then last night he seemed miserable with a slight fever. This morning he got up and had still a slight fever but just seemed to be feeling really sick and he also had a bright red blotchy rash on one cheek and across his forehead too. I took him to the doctor and he has a virus called slap cheek. I had never heard of it before. Thankfully it's not serious for him but gee he is not a happy camper.
As for me things are going fine following my surgery. My GYN said that some cramping and bleeding following the surgery is normal and it can often take two to three months to settle. I have had both bleeding and cramping but nothing major and I am feeling pretty good.
Love to you all.
Jo xoxoxox
Xavier has had so many doctors appointments this week. Appointment number one was on Tuesday at the paediatritian. You all might remember that when Xavier's daycare brought up the issue of his delayed motor skills, they reccommended taking him to see a paed. Soon after the eye specialist uncovered his eye problems and wanted the paed appt to be delayed for a few months so we could get Xavier some glasses and see if any improvement came from that first. So we delayed the appt and saw the paed on Tues. He said because the original paperwork from the daycare, the health nurse and the GP came from November, he can see that since then he has come ahead with his motor skills in leaps and bounds. He is confident we can put the delays he has had down to his vision problems and he sees no serious issues with Xavier. He has referred Xavier to have a hearing test next week but it is purely routine and we don't expect anything to come of that. He said while we are here we may as well do a hearing test since it is free and takes only half an hour. He did say there is still some delay and some hesitance in his motor skills and to help him gain more confidence he has reccommended Xavier undertake some physio work by a special children's occupational therapist. So we are just waiting on the OT to get back to us.
Wednesday's appointment was for the eye specialist. About two months ago at Xavier's last appt there we were told that we would have to start patching his good eye to try to increase the strength in the lazy one. We have been doing that and Xavier has been coping well. We had to go back on Weds to see how the eye is progressing from the patching. Unfortuneately the specialist feels that the patching is not improving things much and has decided Xavier will need to have eye surgery. This will happen within the next two or three months. They will be adjusting Xavier's eye muscles so that hopefully as well as straightening the eye, it will also start working better. I was very proud of him as once they decided on surgery Xavier then had to endure about an hour of testing and poking and prodding. This was because measurements had to be made of the eye so they know how many millimetres the muscles will need to be adjusted once they get into the operating theatre. Xavier was so brave and only cried a little bit. Brave boy! His mummy is not feeling so brave about the surgery though!!!
Appointment number three was today because for the last week Xavier has had a slight sniffle. Nothing serious just a bit of a runny nose and some sneezing. Then last night he seemed miserable with a slight fever. This morning he got up and had still a slight fever but just seemed to be feeling really sick and he also had a bright red blotchy rash on one cheek and across his forehead too. I took him to the doctor and he has a virus called slap cheek. I had never heard of it before. Thankfully it's not serious for him but gee he is not a happy camper.
As for me things are going fine following my surgery. My GYN said that some cramping and bleeding following the surgery is normal and it can often take two to three months to settle. I have had both bleeding and cramping but nothing major and I am feeling pretty good.
Love to you all.
Jo xoxoxox
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Thankful for the past
I have been feeling a bit reflective and it has got me thinking about how it is so easy to spend our time being anxious about the future or angry or upset about the present. Sometimes our past gets a bit forgotten by what is going on right now or what is about to happen. I am trying to focus right now on being thankful for what is in my past rather than being nervous about what is coming. I am so thankful beyond words that I have Xavier. The more that my life unfolds the more I realise just how miraculous he is. I watch people and hear about people going through try after try of IVF with no success, and here Joel and I are with a beautiful little boy who we were blessed with on our first try of IVF. I think back to when we went to pay for our very first IVF cycle. We handed over a big cheque, and were handed a big bag of drugs and syringes and wished "Good luck!" by a smiling receptionist. The experience I remember was really strange and I hated it. It made me feel like a weirdo. But then to think this magnificent boy came out of all of that is just amazing. Thankyou Lord!
And something else I am thankful for is the experience of pregnancy and of giving birth. If any of you knew me in real life while I was going through my pregnancy that statement would make you laugh. I was so sick and kept being put on bedrest which i hated. I couldn't go into a supermarket because seeing so much food made me vomit. If you wondered where I was, you could probably guess in two guesses max. I was either in the bathroom throwing up, or asleep in bed with my cat. But you know what? I look back on it with such fondness. I never thought that would be the case at the time, but it is. When I was on bedrest I had to be looked after because of course I couldn't get out of bed. Because I wasn't working, Joel couldn't stop working and so I spent a lot of time at my Mum's and she took care of me. A lot of hours were spent on Mum's couch watching DVD's or just chatting, she drove me around from place to place for my OB appointments and so forth. I was determined to do my Christmas shopping myself so I did a lot of it online. When I think back to all that it seems magical and I can't believe I was so lucky to have that happen to me, because while a lot of people would hear that story and just think "wow you poor thing, how inconvenient and how sick you must have been!" I just think of that special time of my life when I was waiting to meet my son.
I remember the nights I couldn't sleep and would get up and have a bath, because the warm water settled my sick tummy. Sometimes it would be two in the morning, or three or four. There was something magical about sitting in a bathtub while all the world was still asleep and watching your son's foot move across your belly. I remember the night before he was born. I was laying in my hospital bed and touching my belly. I could feel his foot pressed up against it, and I could feel each individual toe with my hand. I shed a few tears that this would be his last night in my tummy, and thought "I can't wait to meet you tomorrow and see those toes!". I even remember simply all the quality time I got to spend with my mother and I am grateful for that. We would watch movies and she would drive me places. We went shopping for a pram and for clothes for both me and the baby. Sometimes if our movie watching would run too late into the night I would sleep over. Joel always said he missed me in bed but really I know it gave him a much needed break from me taking up all the room, and getting up 50 times a night to pee or to vomit or because I had heartburn.
I am so happy Lord that you let me have all these things. Sometimes it is easy when I see people around me have those things again and again, and I only get them once, to feel cheated or mad. But I am not cheated, I am so so so blessed and so so so thankful. Those things might not be ahead of me again in the future, but thankyou that you saw fit to let me have them once so that they are now part of my history.
And something else I am thankful for is the experience of pregnancy and of giving birth. If any of you knew me in real life while I was going through my pregnancy that statement would make you laugh. I was so sick and kept being put on bedrest which i hated. I couldn't go into a supermarket because seeing so much food made me vomit. If you wondered where I was, you could probably guess in two guesses max. I was either in the bathroom throwing up, or asleep in bed with my cat. But you know what? I look back on it with such fondness. I never thought that would be the case at the time, but it is. When I was on bedrest I had to be looked after because of course I couldn't get out of bed. Because I wasn't working, Joel couldn't stop working and so I spent a lot of time at my Mum's and she took care of me. A lot of hours were spent on Mum's couch watching DVD's or just chatting, she drove me around from place to place for my OB appointments and so forth. I was determined to do my Christmas shopping myself so I did a lot of it online. When I think back to all that it seems magical and I can't believe I was so lucky to have that happen to me, because while a lot of people would hear that story and just think "wow you poor thing, how inconvenient and how sick you must have been!" I just think of that special time of my life when I was waiting to meet my son.
I remember the nights I couldn't sleep and would get up and have a bath, because the warm water settled my sick tummy. Sometimes it would be two in the morning, or three or four. There was something magical about sitting in a bathtub while all the world was still asleep and watching your son's foot move across your belly. I remember the night before he was born. I was laying in my hospital bed and touching my belly. I could feel his foot pressed up against it, and I could feel each individual toe with my hand. I shed a few tears that this would be his last night in my tummy, and thought "I can't wait to meet you tomorrow and see those toes!". I even remember simply all the quality time I got to spend with my mother and I am grateful for that. We would watch movies and she would drive me places. We went shopping for a pram and for clothes for both me and the baby. Sometimes if our movie watching would run too late into the night I would sleep over. Joel always said he missed me in bed but really I know it gave him a much needed break from me taking up all the room, and getting up 50 times a night to pee or to vomit or because I had heartburn.
I am so happy Lord that you let me have all these things. Sometimes it is easy when I see people around me have those things again and again, and I only get them once, to feel cheated or mad. But I am not cheated, I am so so so blessed and so so so thankful. Those things might not be ahead of me again in the future, but thankyou that you saw fit to let me have them once so that they are now part of my history.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Yes I am alive
Hi everyone. This is just a quick one because I have not posted in a while and I bet you are all starting to wonder where I have disappeared to! I am doing fine. I haven't posted because it has been so crazy here. Xavier has been very sick for quite a while with raging fevers etc. He has had an upper respiratory infection. He has been very clingy, and rightly so as my poor munchkin has been just miserable and very sick. He is on the mend now thankfully. Just as he is getting better, I went into hospital yesterday and had my surgery. It all went well. There was talk for awhile that I may have to go in for blood transfusions prior to the surgery due to my low iron levels. Thankfully I was able to raise my iron levels enough with supplements and didn't need the transfusions. I was very grateful for that not being added to my list of things to stress over.
I am a little sore now and was home today resting. Very tired from the anesthetic. The doctor said I should be fine for work on Monday so it will be good that the recovery is so short. I am having trouble bending and picking up Xavier so that is getting me down a bit. Joel is helping a lot though and has cut back his work load to help me with him. Strangely I feel very content with my decision to have the device fitted. I officially can't get pregnant right now until the device is removed in a few years, at which time we may choose to pursue TTC again or just simply have another device fitted in its place. I expected to feel sad and to cry but I don't feel sad and I don't feel the need to cry. I feel thankful and peaceful that this is over and that hopefully the bleeding I have been battling for so long is now not something I need to worry about. I am looking forward to feeling healthy and energetic - something I have not felt in so long now.
Thanks so much to all of you for the messages of support you have left me. I will catch up on all your blogs in the next couple of days. I have been so behind the 8 ball.
Love Jo xoxoxo
I am a little sore now and was home today resting. Very tired from the anesthetic. The doctor said I should be fine for work on Monday so it will be good that the recovery is so short. I am having trouble bending and picking up Xavier so that is getting me down a bit. Joel is helping a lot though and has cut back his work load to help me with him. Strangely I feel very content with my decision to have the device fitted. I officially can't get pregnant right now until the device is removed in a few years, at which time we may choose to pursue TTC again or just simply have another device fitted in its place. I expected to feel sad and to cry but I don't feel sad and I don't feel the need to cry. I feel thankful and peaceful that this is over and that hopefully the bleeding I have been battling for so long is now not something I need to worry about. I am looking forward to feeling healthy and energetic - something I have not felt in so long now.
Thanks so much to all of you for the messages of support you have left me. I will catch up on all your blogs in the next couple of days. I have been so behind the 8 ball.
Love Jo xoxoxo
Sunday, May 2, 2010
It's hard to blog right now
In the past few weeks since my last entry I have tried to write a new post. Something inspirational, something uplifting, something to help those that need it. Anything really! I have started typing, deleted it, started again, saved it, tried to come back to it, and still deleted it. The fact is I don't know what to say. I have been so disappointed by the news that Tammy and Mark faced recently. I don't think there are better people put on this earth than this wonderful couple. They have come through every obstacle thrown at them. Mark's health, many BFN's, a failed round of IVF, having to find donor embryos and all the waiting that involved. They have come through all these challenges with flying colours and been so patient because of the faith they have in God's plan. I expected that they would be rightly rewarded when they got the results of their donor cycle. After their sad news recently though, it has really left me questioning God and wondering why does it have to be them enduring all this heartache. Why can't God choose someone horrible to give all the bad luck to? haha. You are a beautiful person Tammy and a wonderful friend. I am continuing to pray for you as well as all the other mothers to be in waiting who are hurting. I remember all to well what it is like to be in that position.
What also makes it harder to write is the fact that I have been going through a little hard patch myself recently because of my upcoming surgery. I'm ok it is just naturally a little nerve wracking and also a little sad too obviously. The fact that I feel sad makes me feel like a jerk because I already have a baby and so I feel guilty to admit that some days that is how I feel. Sometimes it is easy when you see all the people out there with two babies, or three or four, or those people with stories of getting pregnant accidentally while taking the pill because they are just sooo fertile, to feel very cheated by the fact that you only get one baby. Not that I am not appreciative of the gift I have been given in my son. I am appreciative every day!! It's just that i wonder why so many other people get so many more gifts of children, and yet I am limited to one. Then I feel like a spoiled kid at Christmas complaining she only got one Barbie doll when the kid that lives next door got two, and I feel like a rotten person. Some days too when Xavier is teething or sick and is crying/ unsettled it becomes so tiring and when he finally goes to bed I am glad to sit down and have a break. Then suddenly I start feeling guilty for wanting to have a break when I know there are so many other people out there dying to step into my shoes. It is a lot of pressure to put on oneself. My husband says not to be so hard on myself and that just because I am human and I get tired and like a moment to myself now and then, doesn't mean I am not eternally grateful.
I think this post is really jumbled and doesn't really make sense. I apologise if it comes across as mindless chatter but at least I am writing something! Lots of love to everyone. Please rest assured I have been reading and keeping up with all your blogs - hurting with those that are hurting and rejoicing with those that are rejoicing. May God bless all of you - not matter what position you may be in. xoxoxoxoxo
What also makes it harder to write is the fact that I have been going through a little hard patch myself recently because of my upcoming surgery. I'm ok it is just naturally a little nerve wracking and also a little sad too obviously. The fact that I feel sad makes me feel like a jerk because I already have a baby and so I feel guilty to admit that some days that is how I feel. Sometimes it is easy when you see all the people out there with two babies, or three or four, or those people with stories of getting pregnant accidentally while taking the pill because they are just sooo fertile, to feel very cheated by the fact that you only get one baby. Not that I am not appreciative of the gift I have been given in my son. I am appreciative every day!! It's just that i wonder why so many other people get so many more gifts of children, and yet I am limited to one. Then I feel like a spoiled kid at Christmas complaining she only got one Barbie doll when the kid that lives next door got two, and I feel like a rotten person. Some days too when Xavier is teething or sick and is crying/ unsettled it becomes so tiring and when he finally goes to bed I am glad to sit down and have a break. Then suddenly I start feeling guilty for wanting to have a break when I know there are so many other people out there dying to step into my shoes. It is a lot of pressure to put on oneself. My husband says not to be so hard on myself and that just because I am human and I get tired and like a moment to myself now and then, doesn't mean I am not eternally grateful.
I think this post is really jumbled and doesn't really make sense. I apologise if it comes across as mindless chatter but at least I am writing something! Lots of love to everyone. Please rest assured I have been reading and keeping up with all your blogs - hurting with those that are hurting and rejoicing with those that are rejoicing. May God bless all of you - not matter what position you may be in. xoxoxoxoxo
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