I feel lonely

I really do. And I hate it. This is because of a number of factors. Joel is working really hard with the business which is all still fairly new. It has been going great but there are so many kids that want to have their lessons after school, evenings etc. He is a driving instructor for those of you that are new to my blog. That means eating dinner alone since Xavier is usually in bed by 7pm, and passing the time by getting on the net, watching bad TV, doing housework etc until Joel gets home sometimes as late as 10pm. Normally this hasn't been a problem. He does his best to limit it to only a couple evenings a week where he is late, and usually I can go over to my Mum's house and have dinner with her or she can come to me. But the last couple of days Xavier has been really sick with a virus and so we have been housebound. It hasn't been great timing because I have been left alone with my thoughts too much. Xavier has been sleeping heaps and I have just been lounging around the house alone drinking too much coffee and thinking too much, and it has got me really down.

Today I walked down the driveway to go to our letterbox and I saw the chrysanthemum plant that is in our garden just next to the letterbox had buds on it. It made me cry. I don't know if it is the same in the States but here chrysanthemums are the official flower of Mother's Day, which of course is coming up next month. I bought that plant years ago - many years before we decided to try for a baby. Once we started TTC, every Mother's Day I would watch that plant bloom and think "yep, there goes another year, and no baby for me". Last year it was really joyful to see the buds on that plant because it was my first Mother's Day as a Mum. Today though I saw the buds and remembered my lost baby, and thought of my surgery approaching, and wondered if I would ever again get to bring another baby into the world. The question and the answer that I fear will eventually result made me feel so very very lonely. It has been a tough day.

Thankyou guys for being here for me in blog land, so that even though I may sometimes feel lonely, I will never be alone. xoxoxo

My visit to the doctor

So here is the plan. I had my visit with my specialist yesterday and after a big chat about the different options available to me to combat this bleeding I have settled on the Mirena device. This is a device that sits in the uterus and keeps the lining thin by secreting hormones directly into that area. You are less likely to have side effects with it such as cramping, mood swings, bloating etc like you do with the pill because the hormone is released in the one area so not much of it ends up in your bloodstream. The device will be effective for 3 to 5 years. My doctor also wants to do a hysteroscopy which is where they insert a telescope through the cervix into the uterus to have a look at everything, and he will be able to take a sample of my lining and run some tests on it to make sure there is nothing more nasty going on. So on May 13 I am going in for day surgery to have both the hysteroscopy and the Mirena put in. Hopefully after that I will have no more of these horrid episodes of bleeding and I will start feeling better.

I am feeling pretty comfortable with my choice and proud of myself for making it. My doctor had a big chat with me to make sure that this was definitely what I wanted to do, that I didn't want to try for another baby for the next few years. I basically said to him that actually I did want another baby and that I can't lie about that. But that it is not in me right now to do more IVF and that natural is not working - we have not used contraception for 15 months since Xavier was born and nothing has happened. While I would be more than happy to just keep trying naturally forever and if it happened then it happened and if not then fine, that is putting me at the mercy of this bleeding which I can no longer live with either. So the best choice is to eliminate the bleeding, get myself back on track health wise, enjoy my son and of course my husband, and maybe in 3 to 5 years when the device comes out we may feel differently. Maybe we won't and I will get another device put in if I find it helps. Maybe I will have it in me to try naturally again. Maybe we will adopt. Maybe we will want to give IVF another try. Who knows what the future will bring.

While I am a little sad I feel pretty positive all up, and proud of myself for being brave. After living with this problem for so long and being to scared to go to the doctor and get it sorted because I couldn't bare to say goodbye to the TTC wagon, I have finally took the plunge and done it. It was hard but I was able to get through it. Go me!

Off to the doctor

Just letting you all know that my specialist appointment is tomorrow. It is about 11.30pm here now and I am obviously not asleep because I am a little nervous I have to say. I am dying to get this bleeding sorted out on one hand so I can feel healthy and be a better mum to my boy. But on the other hand I want to run for the hills. I'm a bit scared and also a little sad that this is something I have to do. I hope the doctor can guide me in the right direction so I can make the right choices for treatment. If you could pray for that, it would be much appreciated.

Well I will sign off there, it is a short one today. I will let you know how I got on at the appointment. Thanks guys xoxoxo

A marked woman

I'm sorry guys I had a completely different post planned and almost finished in honour of Easter. But this is on my heart tonight and I feel I am really being pressed to put it out there. Maybe there is someone (other than me obviously!) who feels like this too and needs to hear this, so here it goes:

I was watching one of my favourite TV shows "Brothers and Sisters" tonight (deep so far huh?) and during tonight's episode Rebecca had a miscarriage. It made me remember my own experience in that department, which in turn made me marvel at how an experience like that changes you. To this day I still can't believe how different the woman who looks back at me in the mirror now is, compared to the one who looked back at me the day before I lost my baby. I find it astonishing that one event spun my life around so dramatically and I wonder how that could possibly be.

I use the term "marked woman" in my title because that was the best term I could come up with to describe how I feel. I feel like my miscarriage is such a dark blemish that can somehow carry across into present day events. That it affects things that are seemingly unrelated in ways that no one else but me could possibly understand. It stops me from being able to look at a situation in a particular way, and instead makes me think of it in a completely different way. My life is never going to be the same again, and I really wish that wasn't the case. I have heard the term "lost innocence" before and that also seems to sum it up. I breaks my heart though to know that that innocence is something I can not get back. I remember lying in bed during that terrible time thinking "I don't want to be somebody who has had a miscarriage. I don't want to be somebody who has lost their child." Nobody should have to experience cramping, or see blood, and know that it is the result of your child leaving your body.

I am angry that I can't just watch a TV show anymore and lie on the couch and think "aw that would be a sad situation to have to deal with" and then turn off the TV and go to bed. Instead I feel like that woman and I now belong to the same secret club. One I don't even want to be a member of. I am sad that I know what that woman on that TV show is dealing with all too well. I don't want to know what it feels like. I'm heartbroken that I can't see a baby in the street, or baby clothes in a store without feeling a little sad. I'm angry that my son's baby things are being packed up and given away because I can't use them again. I really do feel that losing my baby has put such a mark on me and I really wish sometimes that I knew how to wash it off and start over.

I'm so sorry everyone, this is such a negative post, but like I said this is what is on my heart tonight and I just had to get it out. I'll be more positive tomorrow I promise lol. xoxoxox

The patching saga continues

Xavier has been making wonderful progress with his patching. He was quite upset to begin with so Joel and I decided that rather than forcing him to do the full three hours a day straight away, that we would build up to it so it was less stressful. For the last few days we have been building his patching time in half hour increments. Yesterday we managed 1 and a half hours so we are halfway there. He is doing great and we are proud of him! He got to have some ice cream with his dinner last night as a reward.

Joel and I were commenting the other day how much Xavier has grown up and how much we are enjoying this stage of his life. Even just little things keep telling us how our baby is not a baby anymore. We have thoroughly enjoyed the little baby stage but the toddler stage is really something special. It is full of kisses and cuddles and snuggles and also of discovering new things to see, touch and say. I drove to my Mum's the other day with Xavier and everytime we go to her house and knock on her door, my Mum will come to the door and call out "who's there?" and then pull open the door. Xavier finds it hilarious. Anyway a few days ago we got to Mum's, knocked on the door and Xavier called out his version of "who's there?" which sounded more like "whossere?". It was the first time he has ever done that and it was so great! I get so proud of him and love to watch him learn something new. It can also be very funny too as he often gets muddled up. He often points to things and people and says "what's that?" for an object or "who's that?" for a person. Sometimes though he will point to a person and say "what's that?" and Joel and I find it very cute and funny. We normally reply something along the lines of "THAT is your grandfather, and he is a person". I am so thankful for all these wonderful moments we are having together.

Last week Joel and I hired someone to come and mow our lawns as Joel has been working such long hours with the business and has hardly been home to do it. I don't even know how to turn the lawn mower on so as a result the lawns have gone wild. The man came to fix it up and absolutely fell in love with our dog. We have a 2 year old dalmatian called Benji and he really is a gorgeous boy. Then when he went to leave and I was giving him the money we owed him for the work he did, Xavier crawled up to the door and wanted me to pick him up. I did so and went on talking to the mower man. Xavier soon joined the conversation, babbling in his own language, smiling and laughing and the mower man really took to him as well. Just before he left he thanked me for the work we had given him and said it had really brightened his day to meet us. He said "well, it's been such a pleasure. Your husband was very nice to speak to when he arranged this, and then I saw what a beautiful dog you have, and now I see you have a really beautiful son as well. What a wonderful family. You are all so very lucky." I was so grateful for that comment. It was the first time someone has looked at our family and told us we are lucky with what we have, without asking when we are going to add to it. It made me feel so content and was just what I needed to hear.