Hi everyone. I am really sorry that I am such a lousy blogger. I just wanted to write this quick post to explain some of my absence from this blog recently. On July 3rd - the day after my last post, it was the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. We got the news on June 30 2009 that our baby was not going to make it, and that we would have to wait it out for a miscarriage. If the miscarriage didn't happen by that coming Monday then they would be doing a D and C. I realise now it was a blessing I didn't have to go through surgery but at the time, when nature took its course and miscarriage began on Friday July 3rd 2009, it shocked me and scared me and saddened me, all at the same time. I can't describe how awful it was. Having the one year come up has brought a lot of it up again and so I am sorry if I am a bit quiet for now. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Not just with this but with everything. My baby boy is 18 months old on Friday. I can't believe it. I wish time could stand still for me and wait a little for me to catch up. The other day I was being awful to Joel - so moody and angry and speaking to him horribly, yelling at him about the way he had washed the towels. He just turned to me and said "Just tell me what you are so mad about, because I know it isn't about towels". Well I just crumbled and sobbed and before I knew what I was saying "I'm mad we lost our baby and we don't get to have another one" came out of my mouth. Joel held me for a long time and let me cry and said a lot of sweet things. It hurt a lot to go through it all with him, but it felt a relief to talk about the baby. Joel and I never talk about the baby even though I know we both grieve in our own ways. It is strange how when you have a miscarriage people ask how you are doing. Most of the time you don't want them to ask, you just want to forget and pretend it didn't happen. Then time passes and people stop asking how you are doing. Yet that is the time you most need them to ask.
Little baby - please know I never stop thinking of you, or wishing you were here. I look at your brother and I delight in all his antics and his cuddles, but I wish I could have yours too. xoxoxo
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I'm so sorry. Glad you were able to talk with Joel. I'm thinking of you!!
ReplyDeleteHey Jo
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry it took me so long to get on this blog, especially after how nice you have been!! I was super busy but that is no excuse!! I am so sorry to read this post. Thank you for sharing. I have finally started posting again on my blog. Life has been crazy lately. I look forward to reconnecting!
Jo, this is such a heartfelt post in memory of your precious baby. Time does keep marching on but our hearts never ever forget those little ones we didn't get to hold. The experience of miscarriage is painful in so many ways. I'm sorry you have the memory of that, but I'll remember that sweet, sweet baby with you. (((HUGS)))
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