Time marches on...

Hi everyone. I am really sorry that I am such a lousy blogger. I just wanted to write this quick post to explain some of my absence from this blog recently. On July 3rd - the day after my last post, it was the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. We got the news on June 30 2009 that our baby was not going to make it, and that we would have to wait it out for a miscarriage. If the miscarriage didn't happen by that coming Monday then they would be doing a D and C. I realise now it was a blessing I didn't have to go through surgery but at the time, when nature took its course and miscarriage began on Friday July 3rd 2009, it shocked me and scared me and saddened me, all at the same time. I can't describe how awful it was. Having the one year come up has brought a lot of it up again and so I am sorry if I am a bit quiet for now. I can't believe how fast the time has gone. Not just with this but with everything. My baby boy is 18 months old on Friday. I can't believe it. I wish time could stand still for me and wait a little for me to catch up. The other day I was being awful to Joel - so moody and angry and speaking to him horribly, yelling at him about the way he had washed the towels. He just turned to me and said "Just tell me what you are so mad about, because I know it isn't about towels". Well I just crumbled and sobbed and before I knew what I was saying "I'm mad we lost our baby and we don't get to have another one" came out of my mouth. Joel held me for a long time and let me cry and said a lot of sweet things. It hurt a lot to go through it all with him, but it felt a relief to talk about the baby. Joel and I never talk about the baby even though I know we both grieve in our own ways. It is strange how when you have a miscarriage people ask how you are doing. Most of the time you don't want them to ask, you just want to forget and pretend it didn't happen. Then time passes and people stop asking how you are doing. Yet that is the time you most need them to ask.

Little baby - please know I never stop thinking of you, or wishing you were here. I look at your brother and I delight in all his antics and his cuddles, but I wish I could have yours too. xoxoxo

A few things inc Xavier's appointment

So first thing is first - Xavier had his appointment today with Dr F. He was a very nice doctor which put me at ease seeing as it is always nerve wracking to go see someone new, especially when it is related to your child's health. He said he agrees with the initial diagnosis from Dr H - that the stitch has popped therefore the muscle is sitting unattached behind the eye. He said there is also a chance the stitch has not popped all together but just loosened and the muscle has shifted. So it is still attached but just loosely and in the wrong place. He said the best thing to do was more surgery but that it wasn't an urgent matter and could wait till Dr H returned from holidays. We see him July 28. So even though the appointment revealed the disappointing news that an operation is back on the cards, at least his regular specialist can do it, and at least nothing dangerous is going on. I feel much more calm now knowing the matter is ok to wait for Dr H and nothing bad will happen while we wait. And just to add Xavier was so so good at his appointment too which always makes me proud.

Second piece of news is you might remember me posting about our rescue bunny Albert having to be put to sleep due to a suspected brain tumor. Our remaining bunny Bonnie has been missing him terribly and we decided to visit the rescue again to find her a new friend. This is the same rescue we did some volunteer work at. We plan to revisit that but have taken a break from it for the time being because of both my surgery back in May and Xavier's eye surgery - which of course has turned out to be a more lengthy drama. Anyway we have found the perfect boy - his name is Jim and he is 1 year old and was abandoned a few months ago and was yet to be adopted when we chose him. We did a little date with Bonnie and the interaction was positive. Bunnies are tough to bond together though so I am sure we are in for some fun and games when little Jim joins our family this Sunday.

Lastly I have been wanting to post this for awhile and then was amazed to see Stacey's post talking about memories. Stacey had something different to say but the simalar "good and bad memories" theme to what has been on my mind lately. I caught a rerun of the show Ally McBeal recently on cable and it reminded me of being 16. I used to watch that show every Monday back then and loved it. It seems a lifetime ago though and I wish I could bottle all the lessons I have learnt in those years gone by and pass them on to someone else. So many memories of so many things come flooding back when I reflect on the last almost 12 years of life. Hindsight is such a valuable thing and I have such guilt of how little faith I had throughout the challenges that I faced. I know we are "supposed" to give our problems over to the Lord as Christians and have faith that He knows best and that whatever happens will be the right outcome. We are supposed to know that His plan is the best plan. But I didn't know that. I still forget that. All those dark days when I longed for my baby and people kept telling me "don't worry God hasn't forgotten you" I really thought that He indeed had left me to flail. Now that I have lived through all that section of my life I realise how wrong I was and I feel so ashamed. I continually apologise to God but wonder how I can possibly undo my past attitude. I just want to say this in order to try to pass on that "lesson in a bottle" to you all. For all those who do wonder if God has lost your address, for all those who are still waiting for their miracle...God remembers you. Trust me!

Love to you all xoxoxoxo