My angry anniversary

I have found it pretty hard to get this post out - but it's been on my mind for a little while now. I'll do my best! A few years ago now on Good Friday I gave my heart to Jesus and became a Christian. I am terrible with dates and times etc so I now just count Good Friday as my anniversary even though the date varies each year. At the time, I was going through a whole lot of hard things - issues with my sister, issues with infertility and I was feeling very lost, alone and unsettled. A friend of mine suggested I come to her church sometime. She sings in the church choir and often leads the choir in solos etc - she's a great singer - and she sort of used that to get me to church, as in "why don't you come and hear me sing..." I was happy to go, and very quickly found a place there. I went every week for quite some time, and began to learn more about God. Good Friday came and I was invited to attend a baptism which was taking place before the service on Good Friday morning. It was so powerful and I was enthralled. Then as part of the church service later on the pastor got everyone in the room to close their eyes and asked that anyone who was not a Christian but who would like to make the step, to please put their hand in the air for him to see. I found myself putting my hand up and I was the only one who did. After the service concluded and everyone was mingling and having tea and coffee, the pastor came and found me and spoke to me, and then asked me into a quiet room where we spoke further and prayed together and then I asked Jesus to come into my heart. It was a very powerful moment in my life and I shed tears while making this pledge. Since then I really have felt like a changed person. I have had my ups and downs and have lost my way a few times, but have always managed to find the way back to God in the end. I know my life has been all the better because God is now a part of it.
Last week though, I faced a tough time when Good Friday rolled around for another year, only to find myself very confused about God's will. Most of you will know of the beautiful Tammy, who after 7 years of disappointing BFN's finally received her BFP last Monday, only to have it be taken away 2 days later when her beta dropped. I am struggling to make sense of it, and I am sorry to say I feel not only confused, but kinda angry at God. Then on Good Friday itself I woke to the news on TV saying that a little girl who had gone missing last year - her parents had reported her abducted in a very highly publicised case - had been found dead overnight, and her parents had been arrested over the murder. Then I was very angry! All day, one word kept going through my head: "why???" Why do people like that get to have kids when good people like Tammy have to struggle? I don't understand! It is so very hard when God's will does not seem to match our own. I really hope God's will does become apparent soon, and that Tammy's baby will come into her life in some way, and that we all then are able to say "a ha!!! So that's what He had in mind!! That makes sense!!"
Tammy I know you must be in a lot of pain right now - and I am thinking of you always and praying for your peace. I know it probably doesn't come to you as much comfort now, but please know from my own experience that once you do have your baby in your arms it is going to make sense to you. Every tear and every heartbreak will all seem to fit together into a neat little puzzle that all seems relevant because it led to your child. Right now though, while you await that moment, please take care of yourself and find comfort in knowing that you have friends to help you through. xoxo

Family update

My last post was about my frustration with my Dad and I feel bad about the vent now that I have spent the day with Xavier, at my Mum and Dad's house and found out a few things about what is going on in their world right now. Apparently my sister has been in trouble again and has had to go back to court. They have been quite devastated about it. You might remember that when I was pregnant with Xavier - just 3 weeks before he was due - my sister was arrested for stealing money from her work. A few months later she had to appear in court where she plead guilty to theft charges and supposedly had learnt her lesson. Mum and Dad were absolutely gutted over it. Mum was in tears constantly when the arrest happened. Because I was already struggling with blood pressure problems among other things in the pregnancy, Joel and I think the stress that this caused everyone was one of the contributing factors towards me having to be placed in hospital 2 days after my sister was arrested. I was having trouble sleeping, my mum was bursting into tears every two minutes, and then I went to my OB appointment and found my blood pressure was at a dangerous level and I got admitted to hospital where I stayed til Xavier was born. So now we were very disappointed to learn that recently my sister apparently had to make another court appearance for welfare cheating. Apparently she was declaring things that weren't true to gain more money. When I was over at my parents house today my mum had to go to the store to get a few things and Xavier was having a nap, so my dad and I got to spend some time together alone. He started talking and really opening up about all the stuff they have gone through with my sister and how much he is hurt and distraught over it. He doesn't really open up much about feelings so this was a rare insight into his mind. He said he is ashamed of my sister's actions and doesn't know where he went wrong with her. He misses her children (his grandchildren obviously) because as I have mentioned before, we now don't get to see them and havent for the last 2 years. He said lately he has been having trouble sleeping as he has been dreaming of the children - nothing bad just that they are visiting and spending time with my mum and dad, and then he wakes up again and misses them. He then said that as much as he dislikes my sister's ex, he is glad the kids are with him because when they were with my sister they weren't treated like kids should be. At least now they have a stable home and all the necessities they need in life. Dad said if he has to sacrifice seeing them in order for their life to be better by living with their dad then that is what he thinks should happen. I felt so sad for my Dad and never realised how depressed he has been over all the stuff that has happened. I guess that could be why he is taking things so hard with Xavier. He probably doesn't want to think about anything being wrong. He just wants to believe everything is perfect with Xavier because in his mind I guess it probably is.