I really do. And I hate it. This is because of a number of factors. Joel is working really hard with the business which is all still fairly new. It has been going great but there are so many kids that want to have their lessons after school, evenings etc. He is a driving instructor for those of you that are new to my blog. That means eating dinner alone since Xavier is usually in bed by 7pm, and passing the time by getting on the net, watching bad TV, doing housework etc until Joel gets home sometimes as late as 10pm. Normally this hasn't been a problem. He does his best to limit it to only a couple evenings a week where he is late, and usually I can go over to my Mum's house and have dinner with her or she can come to me. But the last couple of days Xavier has been really sick with a virus and so we have been housebound. It hasn't been great timing because I have been left alone with my thoughts too much. Xavier has been sleeping heaps and I have just been lounging around the house alone drinking too much coffee and thinking too much, and it has got me really down.
Today I walked down the driveway to go to our letterbox and I saw the chrysanthemum plant that is in our garden just next to the letterbox had buds on it. It made me cry. I don't know if it is the same in the States but here chrysanthemums are the official flower of Mother's Day, which of course is coming up next month. I bought that plant years ago - many years before we decided to try for a baby. Once we started TTC, every Mother's Day I would watch that plant bloom and think "yep, there goes another year, and no baby for me". Last year it was really joyful to see the buds on that plant because it was my first Mother's Day as a Mum. Today though I saw the buds and remembered my lost baby, and thought of my surgery approaching, and wondered if I would ever again get to bring another baby into the world. The question and the answer that I fear will eventually result made me feel so very very lonely. It has been a tough day.
Thankyou guys for being here for me in blog land, so that even though I may sometimes feel lonely, I will never be alone. xoxoxo
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Jo, I'm so sorry you've been feeling down and lonely. It is tough spending your evenings alone. I spend every day alone, so when my husband has something to do after work it really gets me down. Wish your blog pals could keep you company in person!
ReplyDeleteRegarding Mother's Day -- it's still a bit of a sore subject with me as well. I'm thrilled about having a baby growing inside, of course, but I can't help but remember the ones I've lost and almost a decade of Mother's Days that were difficult. You are definitely not alone, my friend.
I sure hope Xavier feels better soon!