Thanks to all my blogger friends for allowing me to take a leave of absence. Because of the fact that for so long during our house move we were staying with Joel's family I didn't have my own computer and didn't want to be blogging on a shared one. I don't share this blog's existence with many people and didn't want it stumbled across. Since we moved into our new home I have just had such a hard time jumping back into blogging because it's hard to know where to start when there is so much to say! This is a post that has been on my heart and because I do indeed have a lot to say, I apologise if it is too long! Here goes:
There's a song by an Australian singer which was big on the charts last year. The chorus goes "these battlescars, don't look like they've faded. Don't look like they've ever gone away...they ain't ever gonna change..." The song is about a volatile relationship but every time I hear it it reminds me of infertility and the mental scars it leaves you with. I feel like I have so many "scars" from the journey I went through, and the one I am still going through. You learn how to live with the scars, how to hide them better so that you and the people around you don't see them. But then every so often something pops up that makes you remember, and you realise you haven't come as far as you thought. This all sounds very dark I'm sorry! I am doing OK, don't worry! And I know I have come a long way to being at peace with my TTC journey. But some days it just gets to me and those days are hard.
My friend "R" just found out she is expecting. It was not at all planned, she and her partner were using birth control. It was just one of those things. I am overjoyed for her and she is thrilled too. She has been through her own journey. At age 18 she had an abortion. She is such a sweet person, she could never hurt a fly, and this decision was one that she felt very pressured into. She was in a very bad relationship at a very young age. Her mother pressured her into having the abortion although she does take responsibility for the final choice. She felt very lost and didn't really know what choice was the "right one". Her mother is a lovely person as well and I guess she thought she was doing the right thing by advising her daughter to cut all ties with the man she was seeing and start a fresh, which is what "R" did. But she has had terrible trouble coming to terms with the guilt of having the abortion all those years ago. Now at age 30 she is in a stable long term relationship with a nice person. She has found out she is expecting and now she knows she is adult enough to stand on her own two feet and make her own decision. She is very excited about the baby. I am overjoyed for her too. But hearing her talk about her pregnancy brings up all the old memories for me and it's difficult at the same time. I thought I was at peace with the reality that Xav would most likely be our only baby. But then this happens and I realise I really want another child, so much that my heart aches. I want so badly for this decision to not be out of my hands. It is so hard when God's will seems to be so different to your own will!
The last time I wrote regarding baby plans, I am not 100% sure what the plan was because it has changed in my head so many times. We wanted to try IVF again at one stage, but some health issues for me needed resolving first. Now that those are resolved I just didn't feel like my heart was in TTC again. I just didn't feel emotionally up to it. So we postponed. Then so much happened with Xavier! Most of you are aware of the developmental delays he has been having since he was a baby. It has been a bit of a mystery as to what has been going on and he has finally reached the age where he can undergo some formal assessment. We have been to a lot of appointments the last few months and finally have a diagnosis and a plan of action. Xavier has been diagnosed with Autism and Intellectual Disability. He is 5 in Jan and therefore next year he starts school. This diagnosis and the scores he received on the assessments means he qualifies to be able to attend a special ed school if we wish to send him to one. With much consultation with all concerned we have decided to send him to a special ed setting as we feel he will not cope with mainstream school. It has all been a lot to process and once again it doesn't seem the right time for TTC.
Words can not express how much love I feel for my son. He is beautiful and my absolute life's joy. I am so very proud of him for how hard he tries and how much he achieves. He is truly a special soul and makes an impression on all he meets. I could never be disappointed in him or feel anything but absolutely lucky for his presence in my life. Because of this, the level at which I would love another baby makes me feel guilty. Rest assured I know how very very blessed I am already. It is not lost on me at all.
Hopefully this doesn't sound like crazy ranting (LOL) and I have managed to get most of what I wanted to say down in an understandable format! Thanks all of you for listening and it's nice to be back in blogger land again :) Love Jo
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
University Update
Just wanting to let you all know further to my last post that I have received an early offer for a place next year at university. It isn't for my first choice of course but it is for my second choice so I am pretty happy. So I am due to sit an exam on Sunday to try for my first choice and should find out about that any time from late Nov through to early Jan. I am nervous but the burden is definitely lifted somewhat knowing that worst case, I will be off to uni next year! Will keep you all posted and please don't say anything on facebook for those that know me there as I haven't told anyone yet!
Jo xx
Jo xx
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The studious type??
Hi all! As always there has been too much time between the last post and this one. Sorry sorry sorry! I have some news though...and no I'm not pregnant LOL
Before I give you the news I want to go over the background of the situation - Joel says there is never a one sentence piece of news with me, there is always a whole story. For the last few years I have been deciding what it is that I would like to do with my life career wise. I was a very good student in high school, got great marks and started university. After a year of it though I went through a stage where I lost my way. I had doubts about everything at that point in my life, it was a really difficult time for me. A good friend of mine, Lorraine, passed away to cancer at a very young age and extremely suddenly. It affected me greatly and while I often get embarrased to speak about it I will explain here on my blog that I developed an anxiety problem. Lorraine worked with me at my previous job. We were a tight knit little group of girls and had so much fun. Lorraine was vibrant, extremely funny, and forthright. She started feeling ill with stomach complaints and went to the doctor who told her she had a virus. After a week or two feeling unwell she went back and was told it was suspected she had some type of hernia. She took 2 weeks leave from work to rest and was given medication. At the end of the two weeks she was feeling worse so I guess she started taking things really seriously then and went to another doctor. After a number of tests she was told she had bowel cancer and was hospitalised for chemo and surgery. Two weeks later our beautiful friend passed away. So it was extremely sudden and out of nowhere.
I guess the randomness of it and the fact that she went from having "a virus" to dying within a month or two completely terrified me. I began to worry a lot about death - that I would die or that people I loved would. It started off as worries in the back of my mind and then I would find myself lying awake at night getting upset as if those worries had actually happened. I would have to remind myself "it's ok nothing has actually happened!" Then I found myself shying away from anything that would put me in harm's way so I all of a sudden would avoid driving in case I crashed and silly things like that. These silly things became full blown fears and i found I didn't want to get out of the house much if I could avoid doing so. I finally went to the doctor and spoke about what was happening. I was put on an anti-depressant which was good for reducing anxiety. I also was referred to a psychologist for counselling which helped a great deal. After about a year, I came off the medication under my doctor's supervision and was feeling a whole lot better. During the time when I wasn't feeling so fantastic I had passed my last semester of university but only just barely. Unfortuneately my anxiety issues had caused me to spend a lot of days in bed when I should have got out of that bed and gone in to lectures and things like that. After scraping through the semester I deferred and put my course on hold, intending to go back once I felt more like myself. When I emerged from this dark period I felt so differently about the way I wanted to live my life. I had always loved music and had been a keen musician (singer) all throughout high school. When school finished and I was applying to university I felt very torn between two loves - I wanted to be immersed in music so desperately and yet I felt I should pick something academic that would get me a career. Also, like I said I was a great student - I enjoyed studying and learning and was good at it. I loved both the academic side of myself and the musical side too.
The experience of what happened with Lorraine made me just want to have fun, enjoy myself and live my life. I auditioned for a performing arts college to complete a degree in Music. There were only 10 places for singers (5 boys and 5 girls) and they held auditions for a week. I found out a month or so later that I didn't get in and I was crushed. Then after a week, I got a phone call from the college to say somebody who was accepted had declined to offer and I was next on the list to have the spot. I was in!!! I withdrew from my previous course and entered the world of music. I completed my degree and on the way I met my darling husband who was a fellow student in my course. To this day I am extremely proud that I made that call. No, I am not a famous musician, but it was what I needed at the time and I am very glad to have had those years at music college. Plus the added bonus of finding a husband there was great too LOL!!
Well we all know the rest of the story from then up until now. Joel and I got married, and now we have Xavier and life has taken over. Being a mum, being a wife, putting food on the table, paying the bills etc has become the priority. Joel went back to school a few years ago and got a qualification and started his own business very successfully. I have lately been wondering if maybe I would like to return to study as well. God keeps telling me to put the journey of trying to have baby number 2 off. First there were health concerns and now that those have been address my heart is telling me to move in another direction. While I like my little job working in an office, I feel Xavier get older and he is already at 3 year old kinder. Next year it will be 4 year old kinder then will come school. I feel sometimes that while he is off at kinder I am at a loose end. I can only imagine what it will be like when he is at school 5 days a week.
And so, here is the conclusion....here is my news....I have decided to return to university. I have applied to start a Bachelor of Social Work next year. It will be off campus study, so I can study from home on a part time basis for now. But I have the option of transferring to on campus later on once Xavier is at school. It is a 4 year degree and because I am doing it part time for the first year or two it may take me just a little longer than that. I am extremely nervous and thrilled with my decision but scared to death too! I have submitted an application and I have to sit an entrance exam on Sun Oct 21. Please wish me luck and have me in your prayers and I will keep you posted.
Thanks again for getting all the way to the end of such a long post!
Jo xx
Before I give you the news I want to go over the background of the situation - Joel says there is never a one sentence piece of news with me, there is always a whole story. For the last few years I have been deciding what it is that I would like to do with my life career wise. I was a very good student in high school, got great marks and started university. After a year of it though I went through a stage where I lost my way. I had doubts about everything at that point in my life, it was a really difficult time for me. A good friend of mine, Lorraine, passed away to cancer at a very young age and extremely suddenly. It affected me greatly and while I often get embarrased to speak about it I will explain here on my blog that I developed an anxiety problem. Lorraine worked with me at my previous job. We were a tight knit little group of girls and had so much fun. Lorraine was vibrant, extremely funny, and forthright. She started feeling ill with stomach complaints and went to the doctor who told her she had a virus. After a week or two feeling unwell she went back and was told it was suspected she had some type of hernia. She took 2 weeks leave from work to rest and was given medication. At the end of the two weeks she was feeling worse so I guess she started taking things really seriously then and went to another doctor. After a number of tests she was told she had bowel cancer and was hospitalised for chemo and surgery. Two weeks later our beautiful friend passed away. So it was extremely sudden and out of nowhere.
I guess the randomness of it and the fact that she went from having "a virus" to dying within a month or two completely terrified me. I began to worry a lot about death - that I would die or that people I loved would. It started off as worries in the back of my mind and then I would find myself lying awake at night getting upset as if those worries had actually happened. I would have to remind myself "it's ok nothing has actually happened!" Then I found myself shying away from anything that would put me in harm's way so I all of a sudden would avoid driving in case I crashed and silly things like that. These silly things became full blown fears and i found I didn't want to get out of the house much if I could avoid doing so. I finally went to the doctor and spoke about what was happening. I was put on an anti-depressant which was good for reducing anxiety. I also was referred to a psychologist for counselling which helped a great deal. After about a year, I came off the medication under my doctor's supervision and was feeling a whole lot better. During the time when I wasn't feeling so fantastic I had passed my last semester of university but only just barely. Unfortuneately my anxiety issues had caused me to spend a lot of days in bed when I should have got out of that bed and gone in to lectures and things like that. After scraping through the semester I deferred and put my course on hold, intending to go back once I felt more like myself. When I emerged from this dark period I felt so differently about the way I wanted to live my life. I had always loved music and had been a keen musician (singer) all throughout high school. When school finished and I was applying to university I felt very torn between two loves - I wanted to be immersed in music so desperately and yet I felt I should pick something academic that would get me a career. Also, like I said I was a great student - I enjoyed studying and learning and was good at it. I loved both the academic side of myself and the musical side too.
The experience of what happened with Lorraine made me just want to have fun, enjoy myself and live my life. I auditioned for a performing arts college to complete a degree in Music. There were only 10 places for singers (5 boys and 5 girls) and they held auditions for a week. I found out a month or so later that I didn't get in and I was crushed. Then after a week, I got a phone call from the college to say somebody who was accepted had declined to offer and I was next on the list to have the spot. I was in!!! I withdrew from my previous course and entered the world of music. I completed my degree and on the way I met my darling husband who was a fellow student in my course. To this day I am extremely proud that I made that call. No, I am not a famous musician, but it was what I needed at the time and I am very glad to have had those years at music college. Plus the added bonus of finding a husband there was great too LOL!!
Well we all know the rest of the story from then up until now. Joel and I got married, and now we have Xavier and life has taken over. Being a mum, being a wife, putting food on the table, paying the bills etc has become the priority. Joel went back to school a few years ago and got a qualification and started his own business very successfully. I have lately been wondering if maybe I would like to return to study as well. God keeps telling me to put the journey of trying to have baby number 2 off. First there were health concerns and now that those have been address my heart is telling me to move in another direction. While I like my little job working in an office, I feel Xavier get older and he is already at 3 year old kinder. Next year it will be 4 year old kinder then will come school. I feel sometimes that while he is off at kinder I am at a loose end. I can only imagine what it will be like when he is at school 5 days a week.
And so, here is the conclusion....here is my news....I have decided to return to university. I have applied to start a Bachelor of Social Work next year. It will be off campus study, so I can study from home on a part time basis for now. But I have the option of transferring to on campus later on once Xavier is at school. It is a 4 year degree and because I am doing it part time for the first year or two it may take me just a little longer than that. I am extremely nervous and thrilled with my decision but scared to death too! I have submitted an application and I have to sit an entrance exam on Sun Oct 21. Please wish me luck and have me in your prayers and I will keep you posted.
Thanks again for getting all the way to the end of such a long post!
Jo xx
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The baby story
So in my last post I mentioned that we had to postpone baby number 2 for now. Here is the story on that: I had to visit my GP for a referral to see my OB/GYN to have my Mirena device removed so that we could then start IVF in the near future. I decided that seeing as I have had so many issues with iron deficiency in the past, especially during my pregnancy with Xavier, that I should get my iron levels checked before any babies. The GP thought this would be a great idea and did some bloodwork, deciding also to check a number of other things. The bloodwork came back and I was a tad low on iron but I also found I was extremely low on both Vitamin D and B12. She suggested delaying removing the mirena until this is all sorted out. So I am on a few supplements and we will recheck all levels in a few months. I am feeling pretty OK about all this. I really would love another baby but I feel a lot more patience, unlike before having Xavier when I felt so much panic and anxiety and urgency. I would rather take the time to have a healthy body before hopefully putting a bub in there. Joel and I think that seeing as we had to delay things, we may wait til next year so that I can be bridesmaid in my friends wedding in Jan and not have to worry about pregnancy inconveniencing things like dress fittings etc. Also because we have our house on the market that will also give us time to get settled into our new place before going through the stress of IVF. So that is where we are at the moment and I'll keep you posted. xoxoxo
Monday, April 2, 2012
Oh my goodness!
This title is in regards to two things: 1. that I haven't posted since October and 2. that there is so much to say because so much has occurred in my blogging hiatus.
I think I will have to tackle this in bullet points and resolve to do better with my blogging in the future. Sorry guys LOL.
Xavier: My little monkey is now three years old as of Jan 16. It is hard to believe how much time has flown. He continues to delight us each and every day. He began a special kinder program in Feb that is run at a special school. That is - a school for children with developmental delays and also disabilities. It is a program where they can do regular kinder activities but with appropriate therapists present - like an Occupational therapists to help kids while they cut and paste and that sort of thing. His teachers are very supportive and he loves going. He has also been granted government funding for an aid at his daycare, so he has someone by his side to constantly help him with activities etc. The daycare suggested it because once he moved up into the 3 year old room at the start of the year there aren't as many staff members per child and he founf it hard to cope with not having so much guidance. He would get confused with what he was supposed to be doing and wander off to another room and things like that. He has had much more direction and been more settled since he has had his aid.
We had our regular check with the pediatrician in Jan and he is still not entirely sure what is going on and therefore we still don't have a "diagnosis" as such. Xavier still struggles with using his hands and fingers. He has improved a little and can now make a little drawing on a piece of paper which is huge progress, but he can't keep it up for very long. I can't work out whether it is painful in his hands to continue or whether it is mentally too draining for him, but he seems to show discomfort and want to stop. I have also noticed some unusual quirks with him. I'm not sure of any other way to put it than that. Things like he won't have a blanket or sheet over him when he goes to bed at night. He just wants to lay on a bed with nothing over him. If you try to coax him into having a blanket he acts distressed like as if the blanket is scary. We just have to make sure we dress him really warmly in the cold months and sneak in after he is asleep to cover him up, which he doesnt seem to mind at all. He also hates any "grooming" activites like having his face washed or his hair brushed or his nappy changed. He screams the place down and gets really distressed and says it hurts. It is really a dreaded situation having to change his nappy when we are out and about because you should see the looks we get LOL. The pediatrician says he is concerned that Xavier may have a sensory processing disorder. Whether this is the complete problem or whether it is part of a larger issue he is not sure (for example, he is pretty sure Xavier is not autisitc however sensory processing disorders can sometimes occur with autism as well as a number of other disorders). He says Xavier is almost at the stage/age where we will be able to do some assessments soon and hopefully try and get some answers as to what is going on. And by the way if I tried to explain what a sensory processing disorder is then we would be here for some time, it is pretty complex and there are even a few sub categories for different types of SPD too. If you google the term though, you will find a wealth of info out there if you are interested. It is amazing to find so much info on a term I had never heard of before!
Our house: We have decided to put our house on the market after almost 6 years here. For the last year we have felt we were outgrowing its small size. Recently we made the decision to take the plunge and sell. It is a slow market here at the moment so we are going to take our time selling so we can hopefully get the price we want. Once we have sold we will then look for something else. We are not sure as to whether we want to build or buy. Joel's folks have kindly offered to have us as extended house guests once we sell while we look for somewhere new to live. I am not someone who responds well to any sort of change so it has been pretty stressful for me. But I am gradually adjusting and getting excited about the future ahead.
"Cate": Some of you might remember the posts in my old blog about my best friend who went through a breakdown a few years ago. I referred to her as Cate. Well she sought the help she needed at the time of the breakdown and has really come a long way since being so unwell. She recently became engaged to her partner and has asked me to be a bridesmaid for their wedding in Jan 2013. Not only that but she and her fiance have asked me to since a song at the wedding. I don't know if I have mentioned that Joel and I met while studying music - so I have a bit of a background in music and love to sing. I was honoured to be asked to perform such a lovely duty. I don't know what song they will choose but I can't wait.
My family: Well there is nothing much to report with Joel. He is still the same lovely husband :) His business is going quite well and he is keeping well too. As for Mum and Dad you might remember last time I wrote they had both been injured - Mum with a fracture in her foot/ankle and Dad with a shoulder injury which required surgery. Mum's injury healed nicely and she is back at work now. Dad unfortuneately has had a rocky road to recovery. After his initial shoulder surgery he developed "frozen shoulder". He recently went in for a second procedure and things seem to be healing now. Hopefully after easter he will be able to start easing into going back to work. He is getting a bit stir crazy at home these days.
My sister: My sister got married last week. She has been divorced from her first husband for quite some time and according to my parents she has had a long term partner for a couple years now. Mum and Dad say he is a really lovely person and they get along well with him. Despite our history, I want the best for my sister so I am really pleased she has met someone nice and she seems really happy according to my parents. I didn't attend the wedding (I wasn't invited which is to be expected considering we are not in contact) but Mum and Dad went and said it was quite nice. My sister's daughter (my niece) has just started contact with her Mum again, however my sister's son (my nephew) won't have any contact. I think he has been quite affected by everything that has happened in the past. My niece stayed with my parents recently and my sister consented to her having a visit with me. I got to see my niece for the first time in over 3 years. It was wonderful! We had a great time and she has grown to be a beautiful little lady. I was very proud of her.
Baby making: is on hold for now due to some health reasons. More info on that later as getting all this info down has been quite a task. I'll get back on the computer tonight and fill you all in. Lots of love to all.
I think I will have to tackle this in bullet points and resolve to do better with my blogging in the future. Sorry guys LOL.
Xavier: My little monkey is now three years old as of Jan 16. It is hard to believe how much time has flown. He continues to delight us each and every day. He began a special kinder program in Feb that is run at a special school. That is - a school for children with developmental delays and also disabilities. It is a program where they can do regular kinder activities but with appropriate therapists present - like an Occupational therapists to help kids while they cut and paste and that sort of thing. His teachers are very supportive and he loves going. He has also been granted government funding for an aid at his daycare, so he has someone by his side to constantly help him with activities etc. The daycare suggested it because once he moved up into the 3 year old room at the start of the year there aren't as many staff members per child and he founf it hard to cope with not having so much guidance. He would get confused with what he was supposed to be doing and wander off to another room and things like that. He has had much more direction and been more settled since he has had his aid.
We had our regular check with the pediatrician in Jan and he is still not entirely sure what is going on and therefore we still don't have a "diagnosis" as such. Xavier still struggles with using his hands and fingers. He has improved a little and can now make a little drawing on a piece of paper which is huge progress, but he can't keep it up for very long. I can't work out whether it is painful in his hands to continue or whether it is mentally too draining for him, but he seems to show discomfort and want to stop. I have also noticed some unusual quirks with him. I'm not sure of any other way to put it than that. Things like he won't have a blanket or sheet over him when he goes to bed at night. He just wants to lay on a bed with nothing over him. If you try to coax him into having a blanket he acts distressed like as if the blanket is scary. We just have to make sure we dress him really warmly in the cold months and sneak in after he is asleep to cover him up, which he doesnt seem to mind at all. He also hates any "grooming" activites like having his face washed or his hair brushed or his nappy changed. He screams the place down and gets really distressed and says it hurts. It is really a dreaded situation having to change his nappy when we are out and about because you should see the looks we get LOL. The pediatrician says he is concerned that Xavier may have a sensory processing disorder. Whether this is the complete problem or whether it is part of a larger issue he is not sure (for example, he is pretty sure Xavier is not autisitc however sensory processing disorders can sometimes occur with autism as well as a number of other disorders). He says Xavier is almost at the stage/age where we will be able to do some assessments soon and hopefully try and get some answers as to what is going on. And by the way if I tried to explain what a sensory processing disorder is then we would be here for some time, it is pretty complex and there are even a few sub categories for different types of SPD too. If you google the term though, you will find a wealth of info out there if you are interested. It is amazing to find so much info on a term I had never heard of before!
Our house: We have decided to put our house on the market after almost 6 years here. For the last year we have felt we were outgrowing its small size. Recently we made the decision to take the plunge and sell. It is a slow market here at the moment so we are going to take our time selling so we can hopefully get the price we want. Once we have sold we will then look for something else. We are not sure as to whether we want to build or buy. Joel's folks have kindly offered to have us as extended house guests once we sell while we look for somewhere new to live. I am not someone who responds well to any sort of change so it has been pretty stressful for me. But I am gradually adjusting and getting excited about the future ahead.
"Cate": Some of you might remember the posts in my old blog about my best friend who went through a breakdown a few years ago. I referred to her as Cate. Well she sought the help she needed at the time of the breakdown and has really come a long way since being so unwell. She recently became engaged to her partner and has asked me to be a bridesmaid for their wedding in Jan 2013. Not only that but she and her fiance have asked me to since a song at the wedding. I don't know if I have mentioned that Joel and I met while studying music - so I have a bit of a background in music and love to sing. I was honoured to be asked to perform such a lovely duty. I don't know what song they will choose but I can't wait.
My family: Well there is nothing much to report with Joel. He is still the same lovely husband :) His business is going quite well and he is keeping well too. As for Mum and Dad you might remember last time I wrote they had both been injured - Mum with a fracture in her foot/ankle and Dad with a shoulder injury which required surgery. Mum's injury healed nicely and she is back at work now. Dad unfortuneately has had a rocky road to recovery. After his initial shoulder surgery he developed "frozen shoulder". He recently went in for a second procedure and things seem to be healing now. Hopefully after easter he will be able to start easing into going back to work. He is getting a bit stir crazy at home these days.
My sister: My sister got married last week. She has been divorced from her first husband for quite some time and according to my parents she has had a long term partner for a couple years now. Mum and Dad say he is a really lovely person and they get along well with him. Despite our history, I want the best for my sister so I am really pleased she has met someone nice and she seems really happy according to my parents. I didn't attend the wedding (I wasn't invited which is to be expected considering we are not in contact) but Mum and Dad went and said it was quite nice. My sister's daughter (my niece) has just started contact with her Mum again, however my sister's son (my nephew) won't have any contact. I think he has been quite affected by everything that has happened in the past. My niece stayed with my parents recently and my sister consented to her having a visit with me. I got to see my niece for the first time in over 3 years. It was wonderful! We had a great time and she has grown to be a beautiful little lady. I was very proud of her.
Baby making: is on hold for now due to some health reasons. More info on that later as getting all this info down has been quite a task. I'll get back on the computer tonight and fill you all in. Lots of love to all.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween
As usual I have a whole lot of updates, because I seem to have taken to blogging at a rather infrequent rate. Once again, please know that I am up to date with all your blogs!
I wanted to start by saying Happy Halloween to everyone. I have always loved Halloween, even as a kid. It has never been a big deal here in Australia and while every year we get a few trick or treaters, they are pretty few and far between. Last year it rained so we only got one lot of people to our door. I wish the holiday would take off over here, because I think the whole idea of dressing up is really fun. People don't have a good reaction to it here though generally. I'm not sure if it is because of the supernatural theme behind it, or the whole "knocking on people's doors asking for candy" thing or some other reason. The younger generation like people my age seem to think it's all fun, but the older generation don't react well to it. Also I think because of political correctness, people feel they can't talk about stuff like Halloween these days. When I was a kid we used to talk about Halloween at school, and even make decorations. Now because Australia is such a multicultural society, anything that may cause offence to people of certain cultures or religions is generally not discussed as part of the school curriculum. So Halloween is not discussed, and while Christmas is mentioned in conversation kids don't make decorations or anything like that as part of their schooling anymore. It is quite sad really - I don't see why we can't just talk about and support all beliefs.
As for family updates it has been rather crazy. My father fell down some steps and injured his shoulder recently at work, and had to have surgery to repair the shoulder last week. A week before he was due to have the surgery my mum broke her ankle. The thing is though - she doesn't know how she broke it. One morning she just woke up and it had swollen and was unbearably painful, so she went to the doctors and they sent her for x-rays. They are now concerned that because she doesn't know how she did it, this may indicate osteoporosis. She will have bone density tests in the next few weeks.
With both my parents out of action - they are both unable to drive, shop, do housework etc I have been doing all that stuff for them. I am exhausted!! But of course, I am always happy to help my folks.
I have a bit of an announcement to make, and it is something I have known for a while but have been keeping close to my chest. Joel and I recently decided that we are going to chase our dream of a second baby. Nobody IRL knows this yet, apart from the two of us. Also it is not something that is going to happen now - it will be in the future. There is still a lot of preparing to be done. We have been saving hard because of course it will be back to IVF for us, but we still have a lot more saving to do, I want to lose a few pounds and my iron levels are still a bit low from all the bleeding issues I had in the past, so they need to come up. Also of course my Mirena device is still in place and doing a great job, so that will need to come out. Lots of things to consider. Also there is lots of emotion to overcome too. When we had Xavier I knew that even though the journey had been tough, I was ready and able to do it again. Joel was unsure whether he could cope with it again though. Don't forget that even though it was me that went through the pregnancy physically, it was pretty scary for him too. He has admitted to me that when I got put in hospital and had to be given blood transfusions etc, and then in the end they decided a c section was needed because I was getting too sick, he was terrified. Prior to the pregnancy, I was hospitalised during the IVF process with ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome so it had been a whole run of scary health related stuff that Joel had to watch me go through.
Then when we had our last FET and we lost the baby Joel decided he was done. It has been a long process but I learnt to come to terms with being a one child mum. Many months ago, Joel expressed to me that he was feeling like we were meant to have another child, but said that if I wasn't comfortable then that was fine. At that time, I wasn't interested. I had made my peace with our situation and I had no desire to stir up emotions that had been put to rest. But as the months went by I found that now the desire had been woken up again, it wouldn't go away. I have prayed a lot about it, and a few things have happened that have made me feel like we are supposed to at least try for baby number 2. If it doesn't work out, then I will be OK. I am scared to be putting my heart back on the line, but I honestly do feel like it will be all right whatever happens. So anyway - that is my news and we shall see what God has in store. Lots of Love to all of you. Jo xoxoxo
I wanted to start by saying Happy Halloween to everyone. I have always loved Halloween, even as a kid. It has never been a big deal here in Australia and while every year we get a few trick or treaters, they are pretty few and far between. Last year it rained so we only got one lot of people to our door. I wish the holiday would take off over here, because I think the whole idea of dressing up is really fun. People don't have a good reaction to it here though generally. I'm not sure if it is because of the supernatural theme behind it, or the whole "knocking on people's doors asking for candy" thing or some other reason. The younger generation like people my age seem to think it's all fun, but the older generation don't react well to it. Also I think because of political correctness, people feel they can't talk about stuff like Halloween these days. When I was a kid we used to talk about Halloween at school, and even make decorations. Now because Australia is such a multicultural society, anything that may cause offence to people of certain cultures or religions is generally not discussed as part of the school curriculum. So Halloween is not discussed, and while Christmas is mentioned in conversation kids don't make decorations or anything like that as part of their schooling anymore. It is quite sad really - I don't see why we can't just talk about and support all beliefs.
As for family updates it has been rather crazy. My father fell down some steps and injured his shoulder recently at work, and had to have surgery to repair the shoulder last week. A week before he was due to have the surgery my mum broke her ankle. The thing is though - she doesn't know how she broke it. One morning she just woke up and it had swollen and was unbearably painful, so she went to the doctors and they sent her for x-rays. They are now concerned that because she doesn't know how she did it, this may indicate osteoporosis. She will have bone density tests in the next few weeks.
With both my parents out of action - they are both unable to drive, shop, do housework etc I have been doing all that stuff for them. I am exhausted!! But of course, I am always happy to help my folks.
I have a bit of an announcement to make, and it is something I have known for a while but have been keeping close to my chest. Joel and I recently decided that we are going to chase our dream of a second baby. Nobody IRL knows this yet, apart from the two of us. Also it is not something that is going to happen now - it will be in the future. There is still a lot of preparing to be done. We have been saving hard because of course it will be back to IVF for us, but we still have a lot more saving to do, I want to lose a few pounds and my iron levels are still a bit low from all the bleeding issues I had in the past, so they need to come up. Also of course my Mirena device is still in place and doing a great job, so that will need to come out. Lots of things to consider. Also there is lots of emotion to overcome too. When we had Xavier I knew that even though the journey had been tough, I was ready and able to do it again. Joel was unsure whether he could cope with it again though. Don't forget that even though it was me that went through the pregnancy physically, it was pretty scary for him too. He has admitted to me that when I got put in hospital and had to be given blood transfusions etc, and then in the end they decided a c section was needed because I was getting too sick, he was terrified. Prior to the pregnancy, I was hospitalised during the IVF process with ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome so it had been a whole run of scary health related stuff that Joel had to watch me go through.
Then when we had our last FET and we lost the baby Joel decided he was done. It has been a long process but I learnt to come to terms with being a one child mum. Many months ago, Joel expressed to me that he was feeling like we were meant to have another child, but said that if I wasn't comfortable then that was fine. At that time, I wasn't interested. I had made my peace with our situation and I had no desire to stir up emotions that had been put to rest. But as the months went by I found that now the desire had been woken up again, it wouldn't go away. I have prayed a lot about it, and a few things have happened that have made me feel like we are supposed to at least try for baby number 2. If it doesn't work out, then I will be OK. I am scared to be putting my heart back on the line, but I honestly do feel like it will be all right whatever happens. So anyway - that is my news and we shall see what God has in store. Lots of Love to all of you. Jo xoxoxo
Thursday, August 11, 2011
A whole lot of updates :)
Hi all, I just looked at the date of my last blog and was pretty amazed to see it was done in June. Since we are now in August I really should write something. I'm such a bad blogger aren't I? If there was a blogging olympics I would not even qualify lol.
First thing's first - Xavier! He is going really well. He is chatting a whole lot more - still not actually having conversations as such, but he is talking more than just singular words. Before he would point to things and name them. So he'd point to a car and say "car!" etc... but now he is interacting more and using words to tell us what he wants or how he feels, which is really pleasing. He has been a lot less frustrated with us too, because his wants are being met faster. He talks to us in short two or three word sentences. Like for eg. he might be having his dinner and get full so he will push his dinner away and say "all done". Or today we were on the way to visit my Mum and Dad, and he recognises the way. He must have realised where we were headed because he started yelling out "Hi Nan!" It is really great to hear him chatting more and more, and we anticipate that his vocab skills will continue to develop.
Xavier also recently started with an Occupational Therapist. He has had one session so far and the main aim of it is to try and get his motor skills up. He still really struggles using his hands and fingers, so activities that other kids his age are doing without a second thought - like drawing - he is struggling with. The OT has some really great strategies and she has got me doing some different techniques with Xav at home. Already in a week and a half of working with Xav at home, he is holding a crayon the right way up and scribbling a bit on a piece of paper. It is in a clumsy "hit and miss" kind of way, but the point is he is doing it all on his own, whereas before he was needing lots of assistance to do that.
The other big news is that we got Xavier tickets to see The Wiggles in concert in Dec. He is a Wiggles fanatic right now - he loves them! So we hope he really enjoys the concert. By Dec he will be a little bit older too so that should be good for him to properly enjoy it. We have the concert advertisement stuck on our fridge at the moment and Xav loves to look at it. He points and says "Da Wuggles! Wow!!!" Joel and I are really looking forward to taking him to see them live.
Next on my update is Joel - it is his 30th bday this month on the 28th. He is a bit depressed about turning 30. He says he doesn't want to get old LOL. That sort of stuff has never really bothered me - age is just a number to me. I'm going to try to lift his spirits with a little party on the day. Also we are going to go out to lunch on the day as well, then the party will be in the evening. I'm soooo not sure what to get him though for his present and time is running out, so if anyone has any ideas let me know OK? :)
Last on my update is just something I wanted to mention about my sister. A few weeks ago Mum told me that she was over for dinner at my parents and got into a big deep and meaningful about me, and the fact that I don't speak to her. She said to Mum that she feels ashamed for all her past behaviour and that she wants to get counselling, and start to get her life together, and make amends for the grief she has caused us all. She said she doesn't blame Me or Joel for having to distance ourselves from her and that she understands the things she has done to us over the years need more than just an apology to fix, she needs to work on her behaviour and show people she has changed and then hopefully she can start to rebuild the bridges in time. Mum relayed all this to me, and I was shocked and pleased, because in my sister's whole life, I have never known her to accept responsibility for anything. No matter what she does, it is always somebody else's fault. I came home to Joel when I learnt this and was very happy and hopeful that my sister might finally be getting herself together and that maybe in years to come someday we might have a relationship again.
The last few weeks I have felt good about that, but then today it all came crashing down. I was over at Mum's and my sister rang up hysterical saying she has found a lump on her breast. Sorry to sound awful but before you gasp and say "oh my God" I want to explain that my sister has a very long history of faking illnesses for attention. She faked ovarian cancer once and kept the charade going for months before she had to admit it wasn't true and she had lied. When she was pregnant with my niece she lied and said it was twins, then she lied and said she lost one of the twins and we all rallied around her. Eventually in the end she got found out that there was just the one baby all along. There have been other occassions too - so basically when she says she has an illness it sounds awful, but we do get skeptical. Mum said when she rang this afternoon she was sobbing on the phone and was absolutely hysterical. Mum tried to get the full story out of her and in the end it turned out that she had a lump that had been there for a month or two - it has gone away and come back a few times and she had gone to get it checked with the GP. The GP said because it's coming and going and because of the appearance of the lump, she thought it was just a harmless cyst possibly to do with hormones. But she referred my sister for an ultrasound anyway to be on the safe side. My sister rang to book the u-sound and couldn't get in till next week, so she had gone into a panic and rang my Mum in tears. I think she had allowed her imagination to get the better of her.
Mum was doing her best to try to reassure her, and was saying things like "I know it's stressful but it sounds like the doctor is pretty confident it's OK, and is just being thorough by sending you for an ultrasound..no point stressing at this stage...etc" I was trying to be helpful by saying it could be a blocked duct as I have had one of those before. Mum said to my sister "Your sister is over here and she said it could be a blocked duct - so you see there's lots of harmless things it could be". Then I hear Mum say "Hey there's no need for that language and talk, I know you're upset but that's enough". When Mum gets off the phone I asked her what my sister said. Apparently she let fly to my Mum this whole heap of abuse directed at me. She said to Mum "Don't you tell me what my sister says, I don't have a sister anymore - she is nothing but a..... *insert colourful language here* and she is dead to me, I am an only child."
My sister is pretty melodramatic so I'm used to her being pretty over the top, but this really made me sad especially after I thought she was making progress. It has really made me realise that she must be very erratic and very up and down in her emotions - with good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't have contact with her, because I wonder if I should be extending my hand and offering support and help. Then I remember the years that I spent doing that and having my life ripped in tatters all the time by her antics. And that it was her refusal to accept all of our offers for help that have resulted in me having to put the distance between us. Once I had a child I just felt I couldn't subject my family to it any longer.
Anyway I better sign off there - once again this is more of a book than a blog update. Have a great night everyone. Love Jo xoxoxoxo
First thing's first - Xavier! He is going really well. He is chatting a whole lot more - still not actually having conversations as such, but he is talking more than just singular words. Before he would point to things and name them. So he'd point to a car and say "car!" etc... but now he is interacting more and using words to tell us what he wants or how he feels, which is really pleasing. He has been a lot less frustrated with us too, because his wants are being met faster. He talks to us in short two or three word sentences. Like for eg. he might be having his dinner and get full so he will push his dinner away and say "all done". Or today we were on the way to visit my Mum and Dad, and he recognises the way. He must have realised where we were headed because he started yelling out "Hi Nan!" It is really great to hear him chatting more and more, and we anticipate that his vocab skills will continue to develop.
Xavier also recently started with an Occupational Therapist. He has had one session so far and the main aim of it is to try and get his motor skills up. He still really struggles using his hands and fingers, so activities that other kids his age are doing without a second thought - like drawing - he is struggling with. The OT has some really great strategies and she has got me doing some different techniques with Xav at home. Already in a week and a half of working with Xav at home, he is holding a crayon the right way up and scribbling a bit on a piece of paper. It is in a clumsy "hit and miss" kind of way, but the point is he is doing it all on his own, whereas before he was needing lots of assistance to do that.
The other big news is that we got Xavier tickets to see The Wiggles in concert in Dec. He is a Wiggles fanatic right now - he loves them! So we hope he really enjoys the concert. By Dec he will be a little bit older too so that should be good for him to properly enjoy it. We have the concert advertisement stuck on our fridge at the moment and Xav loves to look at it. He points and says "Da Wuggles! Wow!!!" Joel and I are really looking forward to taking him to see them live.
Next on my update is Joel - it is his 30th bday this month on the 28th. He is a bit depressed about turning 30. He says he doesn't want to get old LOL. That sort of stuff has never really bothered me - age is just a number to me. I'm going to try to lift his spirits with a little party on the day. Also we are going to go out to lunch on the day as well, then the party will be in the evening. I'm soooo not sure what to get him though for his present and time is running out, so if anyone has any ideas let me know OK? :)
Last on my update is just something I wanted to mention about my sister. A few weeks ago Mum told me that she was over for dinner at my parents and got into a big deep and meaningful about me, and the fact that I don't speak to her. She said to Mum that she feels ashamed for all her past behaviour and that she wants to get counselling, and start to get her life together, and make amends for the grief she has caused us all. She said she doesn't blame Me or Joel for having to distance ourselves from her and that she understands the things she has done to us over the years need more than just an apology to fix, she needs to work on her behaviour and show people she has changed and then hopefully she can start to rebuild the bridges in time. Mum relayed all this to me, and I was shocked and pleased, because in my sister's whole life, I have never known her to accept responsibility for anything. No matter what she does, it is always somebody else's fault. I came home to Joel when I learnt this and was very happy and hopeful that my sister might finally be getting herself together and that maybe in years to come someday we might have a relationship again.
The last few weeks I have felt good about that, but then today it all came crashing down. I was over at Mum's and my sister rang up hysterical saying she has found a lump on her breast. Sorry to sound awful but before you gasp and say "oh my God" I want to explain that my sister has a very long history of faking illnesses for attention. She faked ovarian cancer once and kept the charade going for months before she had to admit it wasn't true and she had lied. When she was pregnant with my niece she lied and said it was twins, then she lied and said she lost one of the twins and we all rallied around her. Eventually in the end she got found out that there was just the one baby all along. There have been other occassions too - so basically when she says she has an illness it sounds awful, but we do get skeptical. Mum said when she rang this afternoon she was sobbing on the phone and was absolutely hysterical. Mum tried to get the full story out of her and in the end it turned out that she had a lump that had been there for a month or two - it has gone away and come back a few times and she had gone to get it checked with the GP. The GP said because it's coming and going and because of the appearance of the lump, she thought it was just a harmless cyst possibly to do with hormones. But she referred my sister for an ultrasound anyway to be on the safe side. My sister rang to book the u-sound and couldn't get in till next week, so she had gone into a panic and rang my Mum in tears. I think she had allowed her imagination to get the better of her.
Mum was doing her best to try to reassure her, and was saying things like "I know it's stressful but it sounds like the doctor is pretty confident it's OK, and is just being thorough by sending you for an ultrasound..no point stressing at this stage...etc" I was trying to be helpful by saying it could be a blocked duct as I have had one of those before. Mum said to my sister "Your sister is over here and she said it could be a blocked duct - so you see there's lots of harmless things it could be". Then I hear Mum say "Hey there's no need for that language and talk, I know you're upset but that's enough". When Mum gets off the phone I asked her what my sister said. Apparently she let fly to my Mum this whole heap of abuse directed at me. She said to Mum "Don't you tell me what my sister says, I don't have a sister anymore - she is nothing but a..... *insert colourful language here* and she is dead to me, I am an only child."
My sister is pretty melodramatic so I'm used to her being pretty over the top, but this really made me sad especially after I thought she was making progress. It has really made me realise that she must be very erratic and very up and down in her emotions - with good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't have contact with her, because I wonder if I should be extending my hand and offering support and help. Then I remember the years that I spent doing that and having my life ripped in tatters all the time by her antics. And that it was her refusal to accept all of our offers for help that have resulted in me having to put the distance between us. Once I had a child I just felt I couldn't subject my family to it any longer.
Anyway I better sign off there - once again this is more of a book than a blog update. Have a great night everyone. Love Jo xoxoxoxo
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