It's hard to blog right now

In the past few weeks since my last entry I have tried to write a new post. Something inspirational, something uplifting, something to help those that need it. Anything really! I have started typing, deleted it, started again, saved it, tried to come back to it, and still deleted it. The fact is I don't know what to say. I have been so disappointed by the news that Tammy and Mark faced recently. I don't think there are better people put on this earth than this wonderful couple. They have come through every obstacle thrown at them. Mark's health, many BFN's, a failed round of IVF, having to find donor embryos and all the waiting that involved. They have come through all these challenges with flying colours and been so patient because of the faith they have in God's plan. I expected that they would be rightly rewarded when they got the results of their donor cycle. After their sad news recently though, it has really left me questioning God and wondering why does it have to be them enduring all this heartache. Why can't God choose someone horrible to give all the bad luck to? haha. You are a beautiful person Tammy and a wonderful friend. I am continuing to pray for you as well as all the other mothers to be in waiting who are hurting. I remember all to well what it is like to be in that position.

What also makes it harder to write is the fact that I have been going through a little hard patch myself recently because of my upcoming surgery. I'm ok it is just naturally a little nerve wracking and also a little sad too obviously. The fact that I feel sad makes me feel like a jerk because I already have a baby and so I feel guilty to admit that some days that is how I feel. Sometimes it is easy when you see all the people out there with two babies, or three or four, or those people with stories of getting pregnant accidentally while taking the pill because they are just sooo fertile, to feel very cheated by the fact that you only get one baby. Not that I am not appreciative of the gift I have been given in my son. I am appreciative every day!! It's just that i wonder why so many other people get so many more gifts of children, and yet I am limited to one. Then I feel like a spoiled kid at Christmas complaining she only got one Barbie doll when the kid that lives next door got two, and I feel like a rotten person. Some days too when Xavier is teething or sick and is crying/ unsettled it becomes so tiring and when he finally goes to bed I am glad to sit down and have a break. Then suddenly I start feeling guilty for wanting to have a break when I know there are so many other people out there dying to step into my shoes. It is a lot of pressure to put on oneself. My husband says not to be so hard on myself and that just because I am human and I get tired and like a moment to myself now and then, doesn't mean I am not eternally grateful.

I think this post is really jumbled and doesn't really make sense. I apologise if it comes across as mindless chatter but at least I am writing something! Lots of love to everyone. Please rest assured I have been reading and keeping up with all your blogs - hurting with those that are hurting and rejoicing with those that are rejoicing. May God bless all of you - not matter what position you may be in. xoxoxoxoxo