I'll start with the update - just wanted to say that Mum's birthday dinner went well and she loved the gift that we got her. My sister didn't show up to the dinner - she called about an hour prior and said that she and her boyfriend couldn't make it as he had been called into work, and if he doesn't accept work then they won't call him in again and they really need the income. I was disappointed for Mum but she was OK about it and actually was happy they were making a responsible choice to work. Also my sister and her boyfriend came over to Mum and Dad's house the next day for lunch so at least she made an effort to see Mum for her bday. A lot of the time my sister just doesn't acknowledge the event so it was good she came and gave Mum a gift and wished her well. I have to admit I was a teeny bit pleased for myself not to have to deal with my sister on the night though as selfish as that sounds. A bit of news though regarding my sister - remember quite a while ago when she said she was pregnant and carried on the story for ages and then it turned out she was making it up? I think I wrote about this on my old blog. Well when she went to Mum and Dad's house for lunch the other day, she told Mum she is 16 weeks pregnant. Mum and Dad both brought up the fact that she had told them lies about being pregnant before and asked them was she really being truthful this time and she assured them she was telling the truth. I am trying to take it with a grain of salt because I am so used to her stories but part of me is wondering if there is any truth to it. I will keep you posted.
Now for my post..
I am starting to realise how much my infertility struggles have shattered my self confidence. Especially when it comes to parenting, but surprisingly in most areas of life. I am trying to go back in time mentally to try to pin point what exactly it was that caused this and I am finding a great deal of possible culprits. I originally thought it was because of the miscarriage, but as I think back I realise this feeling of hopelessness stretches back a long way. Until I really thought about it, I hadn't realised how negative my memories of the whole TTC - becoming a Mum journey are. Here is how my story runs in my head:
Couldn't get pregnant, had to have IVF. Finally got pregnant, was incredibly sick, couldn't have a natural birth, had to have a C section. Couldn't breastfeed. Did IVF again, got pregnant but miscarried. Then my son has to have help for developmental delays. For some reason all this stuff has collected and has caused me to feel quite down sometimes and also to doubt my mothering skills and other capabilities. I don't know why this has happened and deep down I know it's not true. You can tell me all you like that I am a good mother and that all those things weren't my fault. Most of the time I will nod and tell you truthfully that I know that. But sometimes I do get quite depressed over it.
When I had the miscarriage I saw a counsellor and went for maybe 3 sessions and decided to stop. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't helping and that i didn't need it. I have gone through life since then with the theory that if I don't think about things then they won't upset me and I'll be OK. Most of the time this has worked, but on the odd occasion I have found the thoughts catch up to you and leave you in a big heap. Then you get up again and are fine again for another few months. Lately though, the times when I am left in a heap by all these emotions are becoming more frequent. Don't get me wrong, I am OK, but I do have my moments when I just want to sit and cry and yet I don't know what exactly I am crying for. I am thinking the time has come to revisit counselling. What has also thrown me for six is that in the last 2 months Joel has done a complete turn around and told me he would like another baby. He says if I don't feel like I am in the right place then it's OK but it's something he would like to think about. I do want another baby more than anything, but I never thought it would be an option so I have gone a long way towards making my peace with being a one child Mum. As great as it is to think of getting to have another child, it is taking me a lot of courage to even think about putting myself back in danger of being hurt by all the highs and lows that infertility bring. Anyway, I just wanted to vent on that. Lots of Love and thanks! Jo xoxoxo
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My mum's birthday present
I have to tell you all about the shopping trip I had with my Dad recently. Remember it was my Dad's 60th birthday back in Feb and we had a party? Well May 20 is my Mum's 60th. She is not having a party, more a small dinner. She has chosen a restaurant and Mum, Dad, Joel, Xav and I plus my Gran (Mum's mum) and a few of Mum's friends are getting together for dinner. Yes my sister is invited but I will get to that in a minute.
My Mum and Dad never exchange gifts for birthdays or Christmas. I think it's odd myself (I would kill Joel if I didn't get a gift!!) but they are more "activity" people rather than "gift giving" people. What I mean is that if it's Mum's birthday my Dad won't get her a present but he will spoil her for the day - he'll cook her breakfast, take her to a movie, take her out to dinner etc. Mum will do the same sorts of things for Dad. Regardless of this, when it was Dad's 60th Mum felt that since it was a big birthday and there would be a party etc that she should get him a present. So now that Mum's 60th is approaching Dad came and asked me what did I think he should get for my Mum. Mum had mentioned to me that she wanted a new handbag as her old one was wearing out. So Dad and I got the idea to put our money together and buy her something really special together. So last week Dad, Xavier and I went shopping for a handbag and purse set for Mum.
To start with it was difficult to convince Dad to drive the extra 15 min to the larger shopping centre where they have better shops and a larger choice of bags and purses. Dad wanted to go to our local shopping centre which we live about 5 min from (Mum and Dad live very close to us). Not that he wouldn't go that far and make the effort, but he just didn't get what the difference was. I had to explain that while our local centre only had 2 bag stores that were small, the other larger centre had at least 5 - one of which was massive - and that if we went to the bigger centre we were likely to only need to go to that one massive store and would most probably find what we were looking for really quickly. So with my Dad on board off we went to the bigger mall.
When we got to the store we wanted to go to Dad and I both split up and looked around. Xav wouldn't come with me, he wanted to go with his Pop! I located a beautiful bag really quickly that I thought Mum would love. I went to find Dad and Xav who were together on the other side of the store, to show Dad what I had found and see what he thought. Dad had in his hand a bag that I knew my Mum would hate. My Mum is very conservative and the bag my Dad had chosen was little and shiny with a big gold clip on the front. It had a tiny little handle, a pattern around the trim, and you know on the Chanel bags how they have the embelem with the C's on them? Well this was not a Chanel bag but it had some type of big embelem on it. And I know it's not about money but I have to say the bag also was pretty cheap. Dad, however, was beaming like he had struck gold and was really proud of himself.
I kept saying it was a nice bag, not wanting to crush his spirit on his first ever handbag shopping trip, but I was searching for a way to steer him away from it. I ended up saying something along the lines of "Wow dad, what a shame that bag only has a little handle. Mum likes a long strap so she can put the bag on her shoulder like this (I demonstrated with the bag I was holding). But Wow it's a great choice, if only it had the longer strap, that would be the one for sure." It was true what I said about Mum wanting a longer strap, and seeing me with the bag on my shoulder jogged his memory and he said "ah yes, that is how your Mum wears her bag". He then looked at my choice and liked it a lot so we then decided to look for a purse to match.
My Mum and Dad never exchange gifts for birthdays or Christmas. I think it's odd myself (I would kill Joel if I didn't get a gift!!) but they are more "activity" people rather than "gift giving" people. What I mean is that if it's Mum's birthday my Dad won't get her a present but he will spoil her for the day - he'll cook her breakfast, take her to a movie, take her out to dinner etc. Mum will do the same sorts of things for Dad. Regardless of this, when it was Dad's 60th Mum felt that since it was a big birthday and there would be a party etc that she should get him a present. So now that Mum's 60th is approaching Dad came and asked me what did I think he should get for my Mum. Mum had mentioned to me that she wanted a new handbag as her old one was wearing out. So Dad and I got the idea to put our money together and buy her something really special together. So last week Dad, Xavier and I went shopping for a handbag and purse set for Mum.
To start with it was difficult to convince Dad to drive the extra 15 min to the larger shopping centre where they have better shops and a larger choice of bags and purses. Dad wanted to go to our local shopping centre which we live about 5 min from (Mum and Dad live very close to us). Not that he wouldn't go that far and make the effort, but he just didn't get what the difference was. I had to explain that while our local centre only had 2 bag stores that were small, the other larger centre had at least 5 - one of which was massive - and that if we went to the bigger centre we were likely to only need to go to that one massive store and would most probably find what we were looking for really quickly. So with my Dad on board off we went to the bigger mall.
When we got to the store we wanted to go to Dad and I both split up and looked around. Xav wouldn't come with me, he wanted to go with his Pop! I located a beautiful bag really quickly that I thought Mum would love. I went to find Dad and Xav who were together on the other side of the store, to show Dad what I had found and see what he thought. Dad had in his hand a bag that I knew my Mum would hate. My Mum is very conservative and the bag my Dad had chosen was little and shiny with a big gold clip on the front. It had a tiny little handle, a pattern around the trim, and you know on the Chanel bags how they have the embelem with the C's on them? Well this was not a Chanel bag but it had some type of big embelem on it. And I know it's not about money but I have to say the bag also was pretty cheap. Dad, however, was beaming like he had struck gold and was really proud of himself.
I kept saying it was a nice bag, not wanting to crush his spirit on his first ever handbag shopping trip, but I was searching for a way to steer him away from it. I ended up saying something along the lines of "Wow dad, what a shame that bag only has a little handle. Mum likes a long strap so she can put the bag on her shoulder like this (I demonstrated with the bag I was holding). But Wow it's a great choice, if only it had the longer strap, that would be the one for sure." It was true what I said about Mum wanting a longer strap, and seeing me with the bag on my shoulder jogged his memory and he said "ah yes, that is how your Mum wears her bag". He then looked at my choice and liked it a lot so we then decided to look for a purse to match.
Dad really put his all into finding her a purse. He held up one that was lovely, had lots of compartments which Mum loves, was a good price and the right colour. The only thing was that the leather was a different leather to the bag we had chosen. But he had put so effort in and we had gone with my choice for the bag that I really felt we should go for the purse. I don't think Mum will mind the purse doesn't exactly match once I explain. So we paid for our purchase and it's really lovely because Dad is still so happy that he felt involved in the choosing. Everytime he sees me now he will bring up our shopping trip and what a good team we made. Then he will give Xavier and I a high five and Xavier will yell "Go Team!!" which Dad taught him. It's really sweet, and if it's the thought that counts when you give a gift, I think my Mum will be very happy.
As for what I was saying regarding my sister, do you remember me writing about the scene she made at my Dad's party? On the day of Dad's party she told Mum it was because Dad made her feel left out. As the weeks and months have gone by the story has changed and now the reason she got upset and made a scene was because it was me that made her feel left out, because apparently I was "flaunting that I am close with our parents". I'm not sure how I did that considering I had no contact with her for the day and just went about my business and mingled with people. I did say a speech at the party and thanked everyone for coming and wished my Dad a happy birthday. I also came to the party before everyone as I brought the cake and helped Mum decorate with balloons etc. Maybe it was one of those two things that made her feel that way, although I can't see how that would affect her. Anyway she told mum that in the future, she didn't want to come anywhere that I would be. As much as I prefer to keep my distance from her, I do want her to come to family functions for my parents sake. I don't believe I caused any problems for her at Dad's party and as far as I was concerned she deserved to be there. She told Mum recently that she wouldn't be able to come to Mum's bday dinner because I would be there. Then all of a sudden last week she changed her mind and says she will now come because "why should I stop her from attending Mum's 60th birthday". I have no idea why she feels I am stopping her. I certainly wasn't doing anything of the sort. So at this stage she is coming and Mum is pleased. I hope there are no scenes like at Dad's!! I'll keep you posted!
Love Jo xoxoxo
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Royal IVF...
I got swept up in the hype of the Royal wedding last week and really looked forward to watching it. I loved it! The bride looked elegant, I loved the dress, thought Harry was hilarious, thought William was obviously besotted with his Princess, which was very touching. It was all lovely, and a nice change from the "bad news" we seem to so often hear in the news these days.
I had a funny thought though, that I wanted to share with you all. So much hype is resting on this couple - William and Kate - to have children so there can be an heir to the throne. A large part of their wedding service was a prayer asking the Lord to bless them with the gift of children. I know children are an important part of a lot of marriages and unions out there, but I can't remember being to a wedding before, where having children was such a standout issue. Then that made me wonder what would happen if they couldn't have kids. I feel it would be such pressure and 10 times more heartbreaking for a royal to suffer from infertility than "regular people". I wonder whether if IVF was needed would it be "allowed" or frowned upon? Would it be advertised or would it be something that people would feel the need to cover up?
I have no idea to the answers of these questions, but I kind of have an inkling that it might be a bit of taboo. I have to say that while I watched the royal wedding and enjoyed it, a small part of me was just a little bit glad I did not have to be a princess with that sort of expectation on me! Hopefully though, this is not an issue for William and Kate and I wish them a long and happy life, with as many children in their future as they desire.
Have a great week everyone! xoxo
I had a funny thought though, that I wanted to share with you all. So much hype is resting on this couple - William and Kate - to have children so there can be an heir to the throne. A large part of their wedding service was a prayer asking the Lord to bless them with the gift of children. I know children are an important part of a lot of marriages and unions out there, but I can't remember being to a wedding before, where having children was such a standout issue. Then that made me wonder what would happen if they couldn't have kids. I feel it would be such pressure and 10 times more heartbreaking for a royal to suffer from infertility than "regular people". I wonder whether if IVF was needed would it be "allowed" or frowned upon? Would it be advertised or would it be something that people would feel the need to cover up?
I have no idea to the answers of these questions, but I kind of have an inkling that it might be a bit of taboo. I have to say that while I watched the royal wedding and enjoyed it, a small part of me was just a little bit glad I did not have to be a princess with that sort of expectation on me! Hopefully though, this is not an issue for William and Kate and I wish them a long and happy life, with as many children in their future as they desire.
Have a great week everyone! xoxo
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