A setback for Xavier

We had our post op appointment with the eye specialist (Dr H) today. Unfortuneately it looks as though part of the surgery was unsuccessful. The aim of the surgery was to correct two muscles in Xavier's eye. To do this, they cut the muscles, adjust them as they need to, and then reattach them using tiny little stitches which dissolve. It looks like one muscle has been successfully adjusted, but the other has not. Dr H thinks because quite a big adjustment was needed it put a lot of pressure on the stitches and that pressure has made the stitches pop at some point and so the muscle has not held. As a result he believes the muscle is now hanging unattached behind the eye.

This was picked up because Xavier is not able to move his eyes to the side - he has to move his whole head. Dr H says there is an extremely small possibility that the muscle movement is just being compromised by swelling from the surgery but his gut feeling is that the stitches have popped and that muscle is not attached. The plan of action is that we are going to wait two weeks and see if the eye is still doing the same thing. If it is then Xavier will need to go into surgery again. Dr H. is actually going away on a months holiday next week so we will be seeing his collegue Dr F. When Dr F. sees Xavier in two weeks he will assess whether he thinks we should get Xavier in for surgery right then or whether it would be safe to wait till Dr H. returns in July. Or of course there is still the slight hope that it will just be swelling after all and that when we go to Dr F. the eye will be fine. Dr H did tell me though that it was a slim chance. Prayers please ladies!!!

I am mega stressed right now and very anxious for my boy having to do all this all over again. Sorry this is a short post and sorry that i am such a bad blogger and am behind on so many blogs. Thanks so much for all your thoughts and prayers and love to you all. xoxoxoxo

Xavier's eye operation

* * * Just a note to say I started writing this on Wed June 9th and have just finished it off today. It has been really hard work looking after "the patient" and so haven't had much spare time sorry!!!

Today was a very emotionally charged day. I know that the surgery was not "a big deal" as far as surgeries go. But for us it really was, because Xavier is our precious little man, so I have to say I worried my butt off yet tried to appear calm for Xav.



We had to be at the hospital at 7.30am. My Mum accompanied us for moral support as Joel wasn't able to come. You see the hospital was able to fit us in so quickly Joel and I didn't get much notice and therefore by the time they told us the admission date, Joel's diary was already filled with lessons (he is a driving instructor for those of you who don't know). He was happy to cancel them but the hospital said only one person was permitted in theatre and in recovery with Xavier anyway, so it seemed silly for Joel to mess all his students around when he couldn't even come in with me and Xavier anyway. Having said that Joel did want me to be supported and gave me the choice of whether or not he cancelled lessons. I said I was happy to have my Mum there and keep him updated by phone.



The staff at the hospital were very good and Xavier actually had a great time there waiting for his surgery! The anaesthetist was lovely and made animals out of balloons and the nurses all fussed over him and Xavier lapped it up. Then the time came for Xavier to go to theatre and be put to sleep. I was asked whether I wanted to accompany him. I thought about it and decided to go with him. Even though it would not be pleasant for me I knew it would be lots worse for Xav and wanted to do all I can to make it any better. So I was very brave and it was very creepy to see him be put under. I hugged him tight and they put a mask on his face which contained gas for him to breathe in which would send him to sleep. He screamed and then all of a sudden the screaming started to wind down and fade out and then he went silent, his eyes rolled back and closed and he went all limp and floppy. All I could think was "ewwww" because it was really eerie and gave me chills. But I hope it helped him in some way that I was there.

When Xavier came out of surgery he took quite a while to wake up. The doctors explained to me that the level of anesthetic they have to give a baby for eye surgery is very high - higher than that of an adult. The reason being that babies have lots of involuntary muscle movements (have you ever seen a baby thrash and twitch while asleep?) which they have to keep under control as they need absolute stillness during the surgery because the eye is so delicate. So while it was very nerve wracking that he wouldn't wake up, I was assured it was absolutely normal. While I waited for him to wake I talked with Xavier's eye specialist who did the surgery - Dr H. He said the muscles in Xavier's eye had to be adjusted to the maximum. Dr H said he was really confident it has done the job and they eye looks good to him, but that he will wait till everything settles, swelling goes down etc and properly assess how it is looking. There is a small chance if he is not fully happy with the surgery that Xavier may have to go in again at some point. There will be nothing more than can do with the right eye (the one he had surgery on) but apparently they can somehow work on the left eye to help correct the right eye. Doesn't make sense to me but apparently that is the case. Hopefully time will reveal this surgery is enough and a second one won't be needed. We go to see Dr H for a check up this coming Weds June 16.

Xavier was so brave at the hospital and I was proud of him. He has been pretty miserable at home though and in a bit of pain, which is understandable. He has two kinds of eye drops which are an ordeal trying to give to him. He clamps his eye shut and cries. I rang the hospital and told them we were struggling with it and their answer was "just do your best" which I didn't really find helpful I have to say. The eye is very red and still very swollen. It was closed a lot the first few days after surgery but is starting to open up a bit now.

Last night we also had something sad happen. Remember I mentioned last post we had adopted some bunnies? Well last night one of the bunnies, Albert, looked unwell. He had been fine earlier in the day but when I went to give them some veggies in the evening he just looked like he wasn't well. He was all hunched up and very quiet where as he normally races to the food. As I went closer to the cage to investigate, he fell over onto his side and started having some sort of a seizure or a fit. Joel rushed him to the vet while I stayed with Xavier and it turned out he had a brain tumor. By the time Joel got to the vets with him he was almost gone and was just lying there unable to move, so they ended his suffering and put him to sleep. It was so sad as we have only had the bunnies about two months and were really in love with them. He was such a character and now we have Bonnie (the other bunny) looking around for her little friend. It is very sad as they were very bonded and I think she will miss him. The vet warned us that when bunnies lose a mate they are very susceptable to sickness because they stress and fret for their mate. Our heart isn't really in it after such a sad thing losing Albert, but we feel it might be best for Bonnie to get her another friend pretty soon.

Anyway that has been my week. Sorry for the delay I am frazzled! haha

Lots of love from Jo and thanks for all your support xoxoxoxoxo

Midnight cooking

OK so it's not quite midnight but I am up late cooking a tuna pie for tomorrow night's dinner. Tomorrow is a work day and I hate getting home and cooking while rushing around trying to get Xavier fed, bathed and in his PJs for bed. It makes for total mayhem. So I often pre cook my dinners and that means once Xavier is all sorted, Joel and I can sit down to an already cooked and then microwaved meal. Plus this tuna pie is one of Xavier's faves and he usually has it for dinner again the following night, and then I put a serve in the freezer for another time.

There isn't much going on over here. It has been a nice last few weeks though. Joel and I made a decision a while ago that following my surgery we would make more of an effort to enjoy life. I know that sounds weird, but to explain it a bit better, I guess we both were feeling a little bit lost while being faced with the prospect of our TTC journey coming to an end, at least for the next few years anyway. The last five years of our life have been full of doctors appointments, blood tests, IVF, pregnancy, more IVF, a miscarriage...you get the picture. Our world has revolved around TTC for so long. It is strange to not have that to focus on anymore. I guess it's like how they say people in prison for long periods of time become "institutionalised". Maybe infertility did something simalar to us! haha. In all seriousness though, we got so used to focusing on something that we both felt a little bit like "ok so now what?".

We decided we needed to just learn how to enjoy life again for what it is. We have been enjoying a lot of quality family time together with Xavier. Joel and I also did some volunteer work at an animal rescue shelter for bunnies. It is a long story how we became involved in that and yes I am aware it sounds very left of centre! But it is something that popped up at the right time and we have enjoyed helping, although we are taking a break from it because of Xavier's surgery this week. Through the shelter we also became the proud parents of two orphaned bunnies called Albert and Bonnie. They are so cute and Xavier really loves them too. And don't worry, they are desexed so there will be no little bunnies coming along!

Joel and I have been paying more attention to having some us time, and we have started going out on dates every couple of weeks. We used to do this quite a bit and then once we started IVF finances were an issue and the dates took a hiatus. It's nice to have them back again and it has been really good for us as a couple. Last week we saw Sex and the City 2 and I had so much fun. Joel chose the movie, making out he was choosing it for me, but he actually is a big fan of the show too so I think he wanted to see it. We had dinner before hand and Cosmopolitons. It was a fantastic night.

Joel and I are both very into our music and actually met while both studying for our music degrees. Joel is a bass player and I love to sing. I don't tell many people that because it really seems like another world away. We used to both be in bands and would play at different cafes/bars etc in our younger days. I taught music for awhile. Neither of us really do much with our music these days though, except for when we listen to music and talk about music together. Every now and then we might have a late night jam session together but it's not often and when we do, alcohol is usually involved haha. I decided recently to start some singing lessons again. Just once a fortnight to start and just purely for my own enjoyment, a chance to get out and so something I enjoy just for me. I start on Tues the 15th June and I am excited about it, but also nervous because I am pretty rusty! But it is just for fun so who cares.

We are all geared up for Xavier's operation on Weds. Both Joel and myself are a little nervous I can tell you, but we are happy he has gotten in so quickly and can get this problem fixed up. I will keep you posted as the week progresses and let you know how he goes. Thanks so much for everyones continued thoughts and prayers, they are so appreciated.

xoxoxoxo