Grown Up Christmas List

I was listening to the carols playing in the shopping centres the other day and the song "Grown Up Christmas List" came on. For those who don't know the song it's about the things you wish for when you are an adult - "no more lives torn apart, that wars would never start, and time would heal all hearts" is a line from the song. It's always been one of my favourites and it gets me thinking about the "grown up" things that I now wish for each Christmas.

I'm sure you all know by now that my sister and I are not in contact with each other. I have mentioned a few times about her problems and about the many times my family has tried to offer her help and been burned from that generosity. I think I have also mentioned that she has two kids - my nephew A and my niece C (who are ages 12 and 10). What I don't think I have gone into much detail about is that fact that myself and my mum and dad (the kids grandparents obviously) do not get to see A and C, and we haven't for about 18 months now.

It is something that really makes us sad because obviously we love and miss them. Because of my sisters history it is hard to trust what she says. So all we know is that for whatever reason the children went to live with their father around June 2009 and my sister now does not have contact with them. Whether that is her choice, or whether she legally is not allowed access because of her behaviour/psychological state we don't know. At the time that their dad R took them in he said to my parents that he wanted us in their lives and that we should feel free to call, visit etc. He then proceeded to move and not forward an address and to change all his ph numbers. For 18 months we have not known even what suburb they lived in. My sister claimed to not have an address. We have not been able to see them or send them a birthday present. Finally through various means we have tracked down an address for them. We were able to send them Christmas gifts and a card this year and we hope to get a response. But you know what? It turned out that all this time my sister did have the address and was pretending she didn't so as to deny us the contact. Lord only knows what she is thinking at times.

So that brings me to my four Christmas wishes on my grown up Christmas list:

1. That Joel, Xavier and I continue to be a happy healthy family so that Xav will never know what it is like to have such a disjointed family. I never want him to doubt that he is loved and I never want him to feel like he is alone. I worry that with the lack of contact A and C have with their mum and with us, that they must wonder whether anyone cares for them. I hope their dad is doing his best to fill the void.

2. I really want to see my niece and nephew and to know that they are happy. We have it on good authority that they are doing very well. A has always had a severe weight problem and since moving in with his dad apparently he has lost almost 30kg. I am so proud of him. I would love to hear their voices and be able to send them gifts on their bdays and easter etc. I want Xavier to meet his big cousins who were so excited to meet him when he was born. They havent seen him since he was about 4 months old.

3. I want my sister to come to her senses and get some help for herself and get her life back on track. I hope someday she will. I can't say that I will ever be able to be close with her or that i will ever want her in my life again. But i do genuinely wish her the best and I pray she finds what she needs.

and finally 4. It pains me to see people who have been able to have children easily not realise how wonderful a gift they are. Especially when all of you wonderful people are here fighting to bring home your miracle who you haven't even met yet. Other people already have their miracles and yet they don't fight for them, to make sure that they are secure and happy. I wish so hard this Christmas that 2011 will bring your baby into your arms in whatever way is appropriate.