I'm sorry guys I had a completely different post planned and almost finished in honour of Easter. But this is on my heart tonight and I feel I am really being pressed to put it out there. Maybe there is someone (other than me obviously!) who feels like this too and needs to hear this, so here it goes:
I was watching one of my favourite TV shows "Brothers and Sisters" tonight (deep so far huh?) and during tonight's episode Rebecca had a miscarriage. It made me remember my own experience in that department, which in turn made me marvel at how an experience like that changes you. To this day I still can't believe how different the woman who looks back at me in the mirror now is, compared to the one who looked back at me the day before I lost my baby. I find it astonishing that one event spun my life around so dramatically and I wonder how that could possibly be.
I use the term "marked woman" in my title because that was the best term I could come up with to describe how I feel. I feel like my miscarriage is such a dark blemish that can somehow carry across into present day events. That it affects things that are seemingly unrelated in ways that no one else but me could possibly understand. It stops me from being able to look at a situation in a particular way, and instead makes me think of it in a completely different way. My life is never going to be the same again, and I really wish that wasn't the case. I have heard the term "lost innocence" before and that also seems to sum it up. I breaks my heart though to know that that innocence is something I can not get back. I remember lying in bed during that terrible time thinking "I don't want to be somebody who has had a miscarriage. I don't want to be somebody who has lost their child." Nobody should have to experience cramping, or see blood, and know that it is the result of your child leaving your body.
I am angry that I can't just watch a TV show anymore and lie on the couch and think "aw that would be a sad situation to have to deal with" and then turn off the TV and go to bed. Instead I feel like that woman and I now belong to the same secret club. One I don't even want to be a member of. I am sad that I know what that woman on that TV show is dealing with all too well. I don't want to know what it feels like. I'm heartbroken that I can't see a baby in the street, or baby clothes in a store without feeling a little sad. I'm angry that my son's baby things are being packed up and given away because I can't use them again. I really do feel that losing my baby has put such a mark on me and I really wish sometimes that I knew how to wash it off and start over.
I'm so sorry everyone, this is such a negative post, but like I said this is what is on my heart tonight and I just had to get it out. I'll be more positive tomorrow I promise lol. xoxoxox
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Jo, I totally get this. Please don't apologize for the negative post! I know there will be others who will read this and know they aren't alone. Miscarriage does change you. It's an awful thing to experience, and a "club" that no one wants to ever be a member of. Once we are, though, we can't help but look at things differently or be affected when we see it happen to someone else (even on TV or in the movies!). I'm certain that your experience has made you a more compassionate person, as mine has for me.
ReplyDeleteSending hugs your way.
Thanks so much Stacey for that. Yes, more of the time I can see the positive in the situation. Like the fact that yes it has probably made me more compassionate, and also more appreciative of my son. Or I can look at things and think "if we never had the miscarriage then ....... would never have happened." But every now and then that gives way and I get annoyed and angry that it did happen to me and I need to have a rant lol. I am feeling a lot better today.
ReplyDeleteNever apologize for a negative post, sweetie. :) This is your blog and you can put out your feelings. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're doing a little better. Thinking of you! (((HUGS)))