Confidence (and an update)

I'll start with the update - just wanted to say that Mum's birthday dinner went well and she loved the gift that we got her. My sister didn't show up to the dinner - she called about an hour prior and said that she and her boyfriend couldn't make it as he had been called into work, and if he doesn't accept work then they won't call him in again and they really need the income. I was disappointed for Mum but she was OK about it and actually was happy they were making a responsible choice to work. Also my sister and her boyfriend came over to Mum and Dad's house the next day for lunch so at least she made an effort to see Mum for her bday. A lot of the time my sister just doesn't acknowledge the event so it was good she came and gave Mum a gift and wished her well. I have to admit I was a teeny bit pleased for myself not to have to deal with my sister on the night though as selfish as that sounds. A bit of news though regarding my sister - remember quite a while ago when she said she was pregnant and carried on the story for ages and then it turned out she was making it up? I think I wrote about this on my old blog. Well when she went to Mum and Dad's house for lunch the other day, she told Mum she is 16 weeks pregnant. Mum and Dad both brought up the fact that she had told them lies about being pregnant before and asked them was she really being truthful this time and she assured them she was telling the truth. I am trying to take it with a grain of salt because I am so used to her stories but part of me is wondering if there is any truth to it. I will keep you posted.

Now for my post..
I am starting to realise how much my infertility struggles have shattered my self confidence. Especially when it comes to parenting, but surprisingly in most areas of life. I am trying to go back in time mentally to try to pin point what exactly it was that caused this and I am finding a great deal of possible culprits. I originally thought it was because of the miscarriage, but as I think back I realise this feeling of hopelessness stretches back a long way. Until I really thought about it, I hadn't realised how negative my memories of the whole TTC - becoming a Mum journey are. Here is how my story runs in my head:
Couldn't get pregnant, had to have IVF. Finally got pregnant, was incredibly sick, couldn't have a natural birth, had to have a C section. Couldn't breastfeed. Did IVF again, got pregnant but miscarried. Then my son has to have help for developmental delays. For some reason all this stuff has collected and has caused me to feel quite down sometimes and also to doubt my mothering skills and other capabilities. I don't know why this has happened and deep down I know it's not true. You can tell me all you like that I am a good mother and that all those things weren't my fault. Most of the time I will nod and tell you truthfully that I know that. But sometimes I do get quite depressed over it.
When I had the miscarriage I saw a counsellor and went for maybe 3 sessions and decided to stop. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't helping and that i didn't need it. I have gone through life since then with the theory that if I don't think about things then they won't upset me and I'll be OK. Most of the time this has worked, but on the odd occasion I have found the thoughts catch up to you and leave you in a big heap. Then you get up again and are fine again for another few months. Lately though, the times when I am left in a heap by all these emotions are becoming more frequent. Don't get me wrong, I am OK, but I do have my moments when I just want to sit and cry and yet I don't know what exactly I am crying for. I am thinking the time has come to revisit counselling. What has also thrown me for six is that in the last 2 months Joel has done a complete turn around and told me he would like another baby. He says if I don't feel like I am in the right place then it's OK but it's something he would like to think about. I do want another baby more than anything, but I never thought it would be an option so I have gone a long way towards making my peace with being a one child Mum. As great as it is to think of getting to have another child, it is taking me a lot of courage to even think about putting myself back in danger of being hurt by all the highs and lows that infertility bring. Anyway, I just wanted to vent on that. Lots of Love and thanks! Jo xoxoxo