My angry anniversary

I have found it pretty hard to get this post out - but it's been on my mind for a little while now. I'll do my best! A few years ago now on Good Friday I gave my heart to Jesus and became a Christian. I am terrible with dates and times etc so I now just count Good Friday as my anniversary even though the date varies each year. At the time, I was going through a whole lot of hard things - issues with my sister, issues with infertility and I was feeling very lost, alone and unsettled. A friend of mine suggested I come to her church sometime. She sings in the church choir and often leads the choir in solos etc - she's a great singer - and she sort of used that to get me to church, as in "why don't you come and hear me sing..." I was happy to go, and very quickly found a place there. I went every week for quite some time, and began to learn more about God. Good Friday came and I was invited to attend a baptism which was taking place before the service on Good Friday morning. It was so powerful and I was enthralled. Then as part of the church service later on the pastor got everyone in the room to close their eyes and asked that anyone who was not a Christian but who would like to make the step, to please put their hand in the air for him to see. I found myself putting my hand up and I was the only one who did. After the service concluded and everyone was mingling and having tea and coffee, the pastor came and found me and spoke to me, and then asked me into a quiet room where we spoke further and prayed together and then I asked Jesus to come into my heart. It was a very powerful moment in my life and I shed tears while making this pledge. Since then I really have felt like a changed person. I have had my ups and downs and have lost my way a few times, but have always managed to find the way back to God in the end. I know my life has been all the better because God is now a part of it.
Last week though, I faced a tough time when Good Friday rolled around for another year, only to find myself very confused about God's will. Most of you will know of the beautiful Tammy, who after 7 years of disappointing BFN's finally received her BFP last Monday, only to have it be taken away 2 days later when her beta dropped. I am struggling to make sense of it, and I am sorry to say I feel not only confused, but kinda angry at God. Then on Good Friday itself I woke to the news on TV saying that a little girl who had gone missing last year - her parents had reported her abducted in a very highly publicised case - had been found dead overnight, and her parents had been arrested over the murder. Then I was very angry! All day, one word kept going through my head: "why???" Why do people like that get to have kids when good people like Tammy have to struggle? I don't understand! It is so very hard when God's will does not seem to match our own. I really hope God's will does become apparent soon, and that Tammy's baby will come into her life in some way, and that we all then are able to say "a ha!!! So that's what He had in mind!! That makes sense!!"
Tammy I know you must be in a lot of pain right now - and I am thinking of you always and praying for your peace. I know it probably doesn't come to you as much comfort now, but please know from my own experience that once you do have your baby in your arms it is going to make sense to you. Every tear and every heartbreak will all seem to fit together into a neat little puzzle that all seems relevant because it led to your child. Right now though, while you await that moment, please take care of yourself and find comfort in knowing that you have friends to help you through. xoxo

Family update

My last post was about my frustration with my Dad and I feel bad about the vent now that I have spent the day with Xavier, at my Mum and Dad's house and found out a few things about what is going on in their world right now. Apparently my sister has been in trouble again and has had to go back to court. They have been quite devastated about it. You might remember that when I was pregnant with Xavier - just 3 weeks before he was due - my sister was arrested for stealing money from her work. A few months later she had to appear in court where she plead guilty to theft charges and supposedly had learnt her lesson. Mum and Dad were absolutely gutted over it. Mum was in tears constantly when the arrest happened. Because I was already struggling with blood pressure problems among other things in the pregnancy, Joel and I think the stress that this caused everyone was one of the contributing factors towards me having to be placed in hospital 2 days after my sister was arrested. I was having trouble sleeping, my mum was bursting into tears every two minutes, and then I went to my OB appointment and found my blood pressure was at a dangerous level and I got admitted to hospital where I stayed til Xavier was born. So now we were very disappointed to learn that recently my sister apparently had to make another court appearance for welfare cheating. Apparently she was declaring things that weren't true to gain more money. When I was over at my parents house today my mum had to go to the store to get a few things and Xavier was having a nap, so my dad and I got to spend some time together alone. He started talking and really opening up about all the stuff they have gone through with my sister and how much he is hurt and distraught over it. He doesn't really open up much about feelings so this was a rare insight into his mind. He said he is ashamed of my sister's actions and doesn't know where he went wrong with her. He misses her children (his grandchildren obviously) because as I have mentioned before, we now don't get to see them and havent for the last 2 years. He said lately he has been having trouble sleeping as he has been dreaming of the children - nothing bad just that they are visiting and spending time with my mum and dad, and then he wakes up again and misses them. He then said that as much as he dislikes my sister's ex, he is glad the kids are with him because when they were with my sister they weren't treated like kids should be. At least now they have a stable home and all the necessities they need in life. Dad said if he has to sacrifice seeing them in order for their life to be better by living with their dad then that is what he thinks should happen. I felt so sad for my Dad and never realised how depressed he has been over all the stuff that has happened. I guess that could be why he is taking things so hard with Xavier. He probably doesn't want to think about anything being wrong. He just wants to believe everything is perfect with Xavier because in his mind I guess it probably is.

My dad

It's good to have this blog to get things off my chest. I have a bit of venting to do about my Dad. Don't get me wrong, I totally love my Dad. But sometimes he is not open to other viewpoints. He just gets in his head that his opinion about a certain topic is the only correct one, and then he can't see that somebody else's opinion can also have merits. I have been having a bit of trouble with his response to all the stuff with Xavier's development. It is making me feel like crap to be honest. Basically he can't accept that Xavier is behind the other kids of his age group and that he might need extra help. In his eyes Xavier is perfect and can do no wrong and he doesn't need help with anything. He gets very defensive and angry when you even suggest anything of the sort. Don't get me wrong, I think Xavier is perfect too, but I also think I need to be realistic about what sort of level he is on. Dad acts like I am seeking help for him because I want him to be some sort of super kid or something. It's not about that - it's about him being able to function when he is older. I am trying to get him the help he needs now so that later down the track, he will be better equipped for his life. If I ignore his need for help now then later on he may really struggle. Every time I bring up any of Xavier's therapy appointments, Dad gets mad and goes into a rant about how I should leave the poor kid alone and let him do things at his own pace. As if I am trying to push him like a stage mother or something. I say to him "listen dad, the paediatrician has said Xavier needs to go to speech therapy (or whatever therapy we are talking about at the time) so I am taking him." and then he will go on about how the paediatrician is probably getting a commission and it's all a big set up etc. It is just exhausting! It makes me panic too because I wonder if down the road Xavier is actually diagnosed with a disability or condition that is causing all of this, how will my dad react? My mum has been great with it all. She actually works as a disability support worker so she understands that sometimes obviously people need help. The other day Mum asked me about our latest paed appt and she asked the question of whether or not the paed thought Xavier would be able to go to a regular school or would he need a special school. I said to her that I had asked the same question and the paed said we wouldn't know until he was a little older and we did some assessments in regards to his readiness for school. But I mentioned to her that I had done some research and found there is a really nice Special Development School right near us and that I would put that in the back of my mind and if it turned out later that he did need to go there I would look into it further. My dad overheard all this and really got annoyed with me "my grandson doesn't need a special school...etc etc" all that sort of stuff. Grrr what is his problem!!???

A big Xavier story

Over the Christmas/New Year period I went AWOL a bit from blogging just because life got a bit hectic. During that time we had some new developments on Xavier's situation and because I wasn't regularly blogging each little update as it happened, it has become a big update. I keep thinking "I must update everyone" but of course it takes a while to sit down and do a big post so I haven't as yet got there. So today here we go. Xavier's having a nap, Joel's at the gym, chores are done, house is quiet. Time for the update:


You might remember that Xavier saw a paediatrician a few times last year. His name was Dr C. He was a nice doctor, but to be honest he didn't have a lot to say. He suggested a few things but it was all more along the lines of "don't worry, he'll catch up" kind of talk. Not that I wanted him to say something was wrong, I just hoped he would have more solutions or shed more light on the subject. I must say, without disrespect to him, that the last 2 times we went I paid the money at the end and wondered what exactly I was paying it for, so in the end I didn't make another appointment. As time went by a little I started to feel funny about Xavier's development. Of course we have known for awhile that he is behind the other kids. He improves all the time, but then so do the other kids, and he always seems to be that little bit behind the 8 ball. We were always of the impression that it was his eye sight that was causing the problems. Then we saw an ENT as he was found to have fluid in the ears and needed grommets, so that was another reason for him being slower. But then it got to a point where both the eye and ear specialists were saying their work was done and the problems were resolved and yet he still wasn't catching up. I found that worrying so I decided it was time for a new paed.


Xavier has been seeing a physio since Aug last year because of his motor skills. She has done wonders with him and knows her stuff. I asked her if she could reccommend a paed and she said she could highly reccommend one. So I made an appointment quite a while ago and his wait list was so long that we couldn't get in for a first appointment till this Jan just gone. So we waited it out and went to see the new paediatrician Dr B on Jan 6.


It was a very confronting appointment. I really liked the doctor alot, but he was a straight talker and did not sugar coat anything. I think I have been used to things being sugar coated and being told "don't worry it's just his eye problems..etc...he will catch up" so I wasn't expecting someone so forthright. He didn't say anything meanly or unkindly, he just didn't hold back. He saw Xavier for about half an hour with us in the room. He did quite a few different tests and activities with him, and then sat down and spoke to us. He said that Xavier has what is called "global developmental delay" which means that he has delays in two or more areas - his are speech and motor skills. He explained that GDD is not a diagnosis, it is more of a symptom and now we have to see if we can find a cause. For example, someone with a chromosomal abnormality like Downs Syndrome might have GDD. Their condition is not GDD, it's Downs Syndrome. The GDD is a result of that.


Dr B said that up until now we have understandably been thinking that the delays are caused by eye and ear probs, but that while that was still a possibility, it was starting to get to the point where we should look and see if we can find any other cause. He ordered a lot of tests - blood tests, urine tests etc to check for chromosomal abnormalities, metabolic disorders and things like that. He also put us on the list for Xavier to have an MRI at the children's hospital in June. Xavier has balance issues and issues with using his hands for fine motor skills. Again, we have always thought this was sight related. Dr B. wants to do the MRI to rule out any brain issues that might be the real culprit. He said he doesn't think we will find anything, but says it would be silly not to check. At the moment we are paying for all Xavier's therapy with the physio and a speech therapist out of our own pocket, which can get very costly. Dr B has put us on the wait list for a government service where he can get those services at a discounted cost. He has also helped us apply for a Carers benefit through the government which can help to fund his medical costs.


Today we went back to Dr B to get all the test results and touch base again. All his blood and urine tests came back normal so that is great news. Now we just have to wait for the MRI in June. I asked him what would happen if that came back fine too. He said it is common for GDD to be found to have no obvious cause. Sometimes kids that have GDD just catch up along their life. But he said that I have to be realistic and he is not a genie that knows the future. Some children don't catch up. Sometimes they need to go to a special school, sometimes they can go to regular school but they need assistance while they are there. He said we won't know what his capabilities are until we wait for him to grow up and show us. We just have to give him all the help we can while he is growing.


So that is where we are at so far. Sorry this story has been a bit delayed in me telling it, but as you can see, so much has happened. It has all been a little scary but I am trying not to get too far ahead into the future. As Dr B said, we can't see into the future. He may completely catch up by the time he's older, and if not he may need more help than other kids. There are then so many more scenarios in between, so we just have to wait and see what happens, give him all the help that we can, and trust God.


Thanks everyone for making it to the end of this long post, and thanks for the nice responses to my last post about my due date. I am feeling a lot better about it all, and your kind thoughts helped. xoxo

I forgot my due date

I am ashamed to say it. As you all know, in June 2009 we undertook an FET. We achieved a pregnancy but were told it would be shortlived judging from my HCG numbers. This proved to be correct and I had an early miscarriage. I have since heard doctors describe my experience as a chemical pregnancy - a term I hate because I think it's as good as saying "not a real pregnancy". Had the pregnancy progressed my due date would have been March 6 2010. Last year on March 6 I was pretty upset. I think about it and I still feel such sadness. There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of my baby at least once, and when I don't ask myself questions that start with the word "what" . What would it be like to have 2 children under 3 in my house? What gender would the baby have been? What would Xavier be like as a big brother? etc etc. Mainly these sorts of questions hit me late at night when I am lying in bed going off to sleep.

I felt terrible when I saw the date on the calendar the other day, and I saw that March 6 had past me by this year and I hadn't realised it. I don't know what this is supposed to mean but for some reason I feel really guilty about it.

The perfect housewife

That's what I feel like today! I spent my afternoon doing housework and stewing plums lol. Very 1950's! You might have seen on the news that we have had one crazy summer here in Australia. We have had so much rain and therefore we have had flooding in both Queensland and also here in Victoria. The floods in VIC, which is the state where I live, were like nothing I have ever seen before. It was my Dad's 60th bday on Feb 5, and the night before was when it started pouring with rain. I was just driving out of work when it hit, and man was it scary driving in that kind of a downpour! The next day I tried to get to Mum and Dad's house for Dad's party, and what is normally a 10min trip took almost two hours due to roads being flooded and closed. I tried so many different routes and everytime I would almost get to their house, the road would be closed and I would have to turn back. Finally, I got there. Most party guests were able to make it although a handful couldn't due to their streets being flooded, or because their houses had been damaged in the storm the night before.

Why am I telling you all this? Because it explains the stewed plums! These floods have severely affected our fruit crops here in AUS. My little boy is a banana addict and not really keen on many other types of fruit. He is fantastic with veggies but as far as fruit goes, bananas are the only thing he is interested in. Any other fruit is met with a scrunched up nose and a "yuck!". As a result we usually have bananas in our house by the truckload, but now because the banana crops have been so affected they have skyrocketed in price. Instead of being the normal $2.99 a kilogram they are around $8.00 and our normal supply of bananas that I would regularly buy in our shopping trip costs over $20. This inspired me to experiment with different ways to try to get some other type of fruit into my son. It turns out he will eat any sort of fruit if it is stewed, especially if it has a dollop of yoghurt on the top. So my dear mum has taught me how to stew fruit and today I decided to try plums out. I will let you all know the verdict :)

It's about time...

I posted again! I seriously win the award for the world's most laziest blogger these days. To be honest I think sometimes that I feel I don't have anything too exciting to say. A lot of you are still going through your baby journey - going to appointments and waiting to find out exciting news - that stuff is exciting. What I am doing at the moment is just living life. I am having a great time, it's lovely. But it just sometimes doesn't make for interesting reading lol.

Xavier is going wonderfully. I took him to his 2 year old check up at the maternal health centre yesterday and he got a great report. There are still some delays that we are working on but we are getting there and he continues to progress. You might remember he moved up to the next room level at his daycare recently? Well he is doing well in the room and having an absolute ball with the bigger kids. It has been great for him and he has really come out of his shell since joining the room.

As for the latest on my sister and my niece and nephew - some of you might remember my last post before Christmas when I mentioned that we had finally tracked down an address for my niece and nephew and had been able to send them a Christmas card. We were hopeful for a response of some kind but unfortuneately we didn't get one. My thoughts lean towards perhaps my sister's ex intercepted the card. He is very bitter towards her and perhaps is carrying the grudge towards us. I don't have any proof of this though, I am just assuming.

My Dad had his 60th birthday earlier this month and my sister came, so it was the first time I had seen her in almost 2 years, and the first time she had seen Xavier since he was 8 weeks old. We didn't speak. I had come the party knowing she might come, and for my Dad's sake even though I still don't really want her in my life, I was prepared to be nice on the day if it happened that she spoke to me. The party went fine but on a couple of occassions during the day she tried to start trouble by causing a scene, so as it turned out I kept my distance from her. It makes me sad because although I ultimately made the decision to end contact with my sister because of her behaviour, I would like to think that sometime she might try to make some positive changes to her life and behaviour and try to right a few wrongs. But she was up to her old tricks again at Dad's party so it was disappointing.

Anyway I better sign off. Hope you all have a great week and I promise to be a better blogger from this moment forward ! :) haha