Battlescars

Thanks to all my blogger friends for allowing me to take a leave of absence. Because of the fact that for so long during our house move we were staying with Joel's family I didn't have my own computer and didn't want to be blogging on a shared one. I don't share this blog's existence with many people and didn't want it stumbled across. Since we moved into our new home I have just had such a hard time jumping back into blogging because it's hard to know where to start when there is so much to say! This is a post that has been on my heart and because I do indeed have a lot to say, I apologise if it is too long! Here goes:

There's a song by an Australian singer which was big on the charts last year. The chorus goes "these battlescars, don't look like they've faded. Don't look like they've ever gone away...they ain't ever gonna change..." The song is about a volatile relationship but every time I hear it it reminds me of infertility and the mental scars it leaves you with. I feel like I have so many "scars" from the journey I went through, and the one I am still going through. You learn how to live with the scars, how to hide them better so that you and the people around you don't see them. But then every so often something pops up that makes you remember, and you realise you haven't come as far as you thought. This all sounds very dark I'm sorry! I am doing OK, don't worry! And I know I have come a long way to being at peace with my TTC journey. But some days it just gets to me and those days are hard.

My friend "R" just found out she is expecting. It was not at all planned, she and her partner were using birth control. It was just one of those things. I am overjoyed for her and she is thrilled too. She has been through her own journey. At age 18 she had an abortion. She is such a sweet person, she could never hurt a fly, and this decision was one that she felt very pressured into. She was in a very bad relationship at a very young age. Her mother pressured her into having the abortion although she does take responsibility for the final choice. She felt very lost and didn't really know what choice was the "right one". Her mother is a lovely person as well and I guess she thought she was doing the right thing by advising her daughter to cut all ties with the man she was seeing and start a fresh, which is what "R" did. But she has had terrible trouble coming to terms with the guilt of having the abortion all those years ago. Now at age 30 she is in a stable long term relationship with a nice person. She has found out she is expecting and now she knows she is adult enough to stand on her own two feet and make her own decision. She is very excited about the baby. I am overjoyed for her too. But hearing her talk about her pregnancy brings up all the old memories for me and it's difficult at the same time. I thought I was at peace with the reality that Xav would most likely be our only baby. But then this happens and I realise I really want another child, so much that my heart aches. I want so badly for this decision to not be out of my hands. It is so hard when God's will seems to be so different to your own will!

The last time I wrote regarding baby plans, I am not 100% sure what the plan was because it has changed in my head so many times. We wanted to try IVF again at one stage, but some health issues for me needed resolving first. Now that those are resolved I just didn't feel like my heart was in TTC again. I just didn't feel emotionally up to it. So we postponed. Then so much happened with Xavier! Most of you are aware of the developmental delays he has been having since he was a baby. It has been a bit of a mystery as to what has been going on and he has finally reached the age where he can undergo some formal assessment. We have been to a lot of appointments the last few months and finally have a diagnosis and a plan of action. Xavier has been diagnosed with Autism and Intellectual Disability. He is 5 in Jan and therefore next year he starts school. This diagnosis and the scores he received on the assessments means he qualifies to be able to attend a special ed school if we wish to send him to one. With much consultation with all concerned we have decided to send him to a special ed setting as we feel he will not cope with mainstream school. It has all been a lot to process and once again it doesn't seem the right time for TTC.

Words can not express how much love I feel for my son. He is beautiful and my absolute life's joy. I am so very proud of him for how hard he tries and how much he achieves. He is truly a special soul and makes an impression on all he meets. I could never be disappointed in him or feel anything but absolutely lucky for his presence in my life. Because of this, the level at which I would love another baby makes me feel guilty. Rest assured I know how very very blessed I am already. It is not lost on me at all.

Hopefully this doesn't sound like crazy ranting (LOL) and I have managed to get most of what I wanted to say down in an understandable format! Thanks all of you for listening and it's nice to be back in blogger land again :) Love Jo