Xavier's eye operation

* * * Just a note to say I started writing this on Wed June 9th and have just finished it off today. It has been really hard work looking after "the patient" and so haven't had much spare time sorry!!!

Today was a very emotionally charged day. I know that the surgery was not "a big deal" as far as surgeries go. But for us it really was, because Xavier is our precious little man, so I have to say I worried my butt off yet tried to appear calm for Xav.



We had to be at the hospital at 7.30am. My Mum accompanied us for moral support as Joel wasn't able to come. You see the hospital was able to fit us in so quickly Joel and I didn't get much notice and therefore by the time they told us the admission date, Joel's diary was already filled with lessons (he is a driving instructor for those of you who don't know). He was happy to cancel them but the hospital said only one person was permitted in theatre and in recovery with Xavier anyway, so it seemed silly for Joel to mess all his students around when he couldn't even come in with me and Xavier anyway. Having said that Joel did want me to be supported and gave me the choice of whether or not he cancelled lessons. I said I was happy to have my Mum there and keep him updated by phone.



The staff at the hospital were very good and Xavier actually had a great time there waiting for his surgery! The anaesthetist was lovely and made animals out of balloons and the nurses all fussed over him and Xavier lapped it up. Then the time came for Xavier to go to theatre and be put to sleep. I was asked whether I wanted to accompany him. I thought about it and decided to go with him. Even though it would not be pleasant for me I knew it would be lots worse for Xav and wanted to do all I can to make it any better. So I was very brave and it was very creepy to see him be put under. I hugged him tight and they put a mask on his face which contained gas for him to breathe in which would send him to sleep. He screamed and then all of a sudden the screaming started to wind down and fade out and then he went silent, his eyes rolled back and closed and he went all limp and floppy. All I could think was "ewwww" because it was really eerie and gave me chills. But I hope it helped him in some way that I was there.

When Xavier came out of surgery he took quite a while to wake up. The doctors explained to me that the level of anesthetic they have to give a baby for eye surgery is very high - higher than that of an adult. The reason being that babies have lots of involuntary muscle movements (have you ever seen a baby thrash and twitch while asleep?) which they have to keep under control as they need absolute stillness during the surgery because the eye is so delicate. So while it was very nerve wracking that he wouldn't wake up, I was assured it was absolutely normal. While I waited for him to wake I talked with Xavier's eye specialist who did the surgery - Dr H. He said the muscles in Xavier's eye had to be adjusted to the maximum. Dr H said he was really confident it has done the job and they eye looks good to him, but that he will wait till everything settles, swelling goes down etc and properly assess how it is looking. There is a small chance if he is not fully happy with the surgery that Xavier may have to go in again at some point. There will be nothing more than can do with the right eye (the one he had surgery on) but apparently they can somehow work on the left eye to help correct the right eye. Doesn't make sense to me but apparently that is the case. Hopefully time will reveal this surgery is enough and a second one won't be needed. We go to see Dr H for a check up this coming Weds June 16.

Xavier was so brave at the hospital and I was proud of him. He has been pretty miserable at home though and in a bit of pain, which is understandable. He has two kinds of eye drops which are an ordeal trying to give to him. He clamps his eye shut and cries. I rang the hospital and told them we were struggling with it and their answer was "just do your best" which I didn't really find helpful I have to say. The eye is very red and still very swollen. It was closed a lot the first few days after surgery but is starting to open up a bit now.

Last night we also had something sad happen. Remember I mentioned last post we had adopted some bunnies? Well last night one of the bunnies, Albert, looked unwell. He had been fine earlier in the day but when I went to give them some veggies in the evening he just looked like he wasn't well. He was all hunched up and very quiet where as he normally races to the food. As I went closer to the cage to investigate, he fell over onto his side and started having some sort of a seizure or a fit. Joel rushed him to the vet while I stayed with Xavier and it turned out he had a brain tumor. By the time Joel got to the vets with him he was almost gone and was just lying there unable to move, so they ended his suffering and put him to sleep. It was so sad as we have only had the bunnies about two months and were really in love with them. He was such a character and now we have Bonnie (the other bunny) looking around for her little friend. It is very sad as they were very bonded and I think she will miss him. The vet warned us that when bunnies lose a mate they are very susceptable to sickness because they stress and fret for their mate. Our heart isn't really in it after such a sad thing losing Albert, but we feel it might be best for Bonnie to get her another friend pretty soon.

Anyway that has been my week. Sorry for the delay I am frazzled! haha

Lots of love from Jo and thanks for all your support xoxoxoxoxo

Midnight cooking

OK so it's not quite midnight but I am up late cooking a tuna pie for tomorrow night's dinner. Tomorrow is a work day and I hate getting home and cooking while rushing around trying to get Xavier fed, bathed and in his PJs for bed. It makes for total mayhem. So I often pre cook my dinners and that means once Xavier is all sorted, Joel and I can sit down to an already cooked and then microwaved meal. Plus this tuna pie is one of Xavier's faves and he usually has it for dinner again the following night, and then I put a serve in the freezer for another time.

There isn't much going on over here. It has been a nice last few weeks though. Joel and I made a decision a while ago that following my surgery we would make more of an effort to enjoy life. I know that sounds weird, but to explain it a bit better, I guess we both were feeling a little bit lost while being faced with the prospect of our TTC journey coming to an end, at least for the next few years anyway. The last five years of our life have been full of doctors appointments, blood tests, IVF, pregnancy, more IVF, a miscarriage...you get the picture. Our world has revolved around TTC for so long. It is strange to not have that to focus on anymore. I guess it's like how they say people in prison for long periods of time become "institutionalised". Maybe infertility did something simalar to us! haha. In all seriousness though, we got so used to focusing on something that we both felt a little bit like "ok so now what?".

We decided we needed to just learn how to enjoy life again for what it is. We have been enjoying a lot of quality family time together with Xavier. Joel and I also did some volunteer work at an animal rescue shelter for bunnies. It is a long story how we became involved in that and yes I am aware it sounds very left of centre! But it is something that popped up at the right time and we have enjoyed helping, although we are taking a break from it because of Xavier's surgery this week. Through the shelter we also became the proud parents of two orphaned bunnies called Albert and Bonnie. They are so cute and Xavier really loves them too. And don't worry, they are desexed so there will be no little bunnies coming along!

Joel and I have been paying more attention to having some us time, and we have started going out on dates every couple of weeks. We used to do this quite a bit and then once we started IVF finances were an issue and the dates took a hiatus. It's nice to have them back again and it has been really good for us as a couple. Last week we saw Sex and the City 2 and I had so much fun. Joel chose the movie, making out he was choosing it for me, but he actually is a big fan of the show too so I think he wanted to see it. We had dinner before hand and Cosmopolitons. It was a fantastic night.

Joel and I are both very into our music and actually met while both studying for our music degrees. Joel is a bass player and I love to sing. I don't tell many people that because it really seems like another world away. We used to both be in bands and would play at different cafes/bars etc in our younger days. I taught music for awhile. Neither of us really do much with our music these days though, except for when we listen to music and talk about music together. Every now and then we might have a late night jam session together but it's not often and when we do, alcohol is usually involved haha. I decided recently to start some singing lessons again. Just once a fortnight to start and just purely for my own enjoyment, a chance to get out and so something I enjoy just for me. I start on Tues the 15th June and I am excited about it, but also nervous because I am pretty rusty! But it is just for fun so who cares.

We are all geared up for Xavier's operation on Weds. Both Joel and myself are a little nervous I can tell you, but we are happy he has gotten in so quickly and can get this problem fixed up. I will keep you posted as the week progresses and let you know how he goes. Thanks so much for everyones continued thoughts and prayers, they are so appreciated.

xoxoxoxo

A great talk

I just love my Sister in Law. As most of you know, I don't have a relationship with my sister. That also means I don't have too much of a relationship with my niece and nephew. I miss them a lot and when I chose not to be in contact with my sister that was the hardest part about making that choice - knowing my niece and nephew would not be as close with me.

It is a great joy for me to have such a wonderful Sister in Law, and brother in law (her husband) AND now a new baby nephew. I am so glad that when Joel and I got married, his sister ended up being part of the package! I'm a lucky lady. My SIL and I share a particularly special bond because as well as both having little boys, we have also both had a miscarriage. She has been a great source of comfort to me during the hard times. She is a very together and capable person, and she is not afraid to talk about her feelings. Even though I wish she didn't have to have a miscarriage, it has been reassuring to see that even people as together as she is struggle with miscarriage and the emotions involved. It makes me feel like less of a basket case on the bad days!

We had a great talk last night on the phone and I have been thinking about it all day. Everyone has been asking me about Xavier a lot lately because he will be having eye surgery soon and he has been sick with the Slap Cheek virus. Last night though after we had finished talking about Xavier, my SIL asked me "and how are you?". I thought she just meant in general and I said I was fine, work had been quiet etc, and she said "No I mean, how are you feeling after your surgery?" I realised that I hadn't even been thinking about it, that it hadn't been bothering me. I really thought that once I had the surgery, I would fall in a heap at the idea of having the device in and being unable to get pregnant. But strangely it has been a really positive thing for me. All that monthly anticipation wondering if maybe this is the miracle month has gone. That might sound negative that the hope is gone but it really isn't. For me that hope became a stress long ago and it is nice to have it all settled and I know where I stand and that stress is now gone. I have also been able to get my head around the fact that my family consists of Joel, Xavier and I and for the first time I can remember I am starting to find true happiness in my family of three without looking for anything extra. It's nice and I am content.

My SIL and I chatted for awhile and she said she was happy to know how well I was doing. Then when I mentioned to her that we had heard from the hospital and found out the date for Xavier's eye surgery (it will be June 9) she started asking if there was anything she could do to help me or Xavier around that time. She is a great cook and makes a noodle soup that Xavier adores so she said she would call in the day before with a big pot of it so that in the days following the surgery when he might be feeling yuck, he will be able to sip on some of his favourite soup. How thoughtful! It was a really beautiful talk we had and I hung up the phone and just sat and beamed for a few seconds at how lucky I was to have such lovely family members in my life.

An update on Xavier

Many many things to update you on regarding my boy. I hope after reading this you will all be forgiving about why I am so behind on everyone's blogs haha. I know you all are anyway but I feel really bad! I have caught up on most of your blogs today though, I promise haha.

Xavier has had so many doctors appointments this week. Appointment number one was on Tuesday at the paediatritian. You all might remember that when Xavier's daycare brought up the issue of his delayed motor skills, they reccommended taking him to see a paed. Soon after the eye specialist uncovered his eye problems and wanted the paed appt to be delayed for a few months so we could get Xavier some glasses and see if any improvement came from that first. So we delayed the appt and saw the paed on Tues. He said because the original paperwork from the daycare, the health nurse and the GP came from November, he can see that since then he has come ahead with his motor skills in leaps and bounds. He is confident we can put the delays he has had down to his vision problems and he sees no serious issues with Xavier. He has referred Xavier to have a hearing test next week but it is purely routine and we don't expect anything to come of that. He said while we are here we may as well do a hearing test since it is free and takes only half an hour. He did say there is still some delay and some hesitance in his motor skills and to help him gain more confidence he has reccommended Xavier undertake some physio work by a special children's occupational therapist. So we are just waiting on the OT to get back to us.

Wednesday's appointment was for the eye specialist. About two months ago at Xavier's last appt there we were told that we would have to start patching his good eye to try to increase the strength in the lazy one. We have been doing that and Xavier has been coping well. We had to go back on Weds to see how the eye is progressing from the patching. Unfortuneately the specialist feels that the patching is not improving things much and has decided Xavier will need to have eye surgery. This will happen within the next two or three months. They will be adjusting Xavier's eye muscles so that hopefully as well as straightening the eye, it will also start working better. I was very proud of him as once they decided on surgery Xavier then had to endure about an hour of testing and poking and prodding. This was because measurements had to be made of the eye so they know how many millimetres the muscles will need to be adjusted once they get into the operating theatre. Xavier was so brave and only cried a little bit. Brave boy! His mummy is not feeling so brave about the surgery though!!!

Appointment number three was today because for the last week Xavier has had a slight sniffle. Nothing serious just a bit of a runny nose and some sneezing. Then last night he seemed miserable with a slight fever. This morning he got up and had still a slight fever but just seemed to be feeling really sick and he also had a bright red blotchy rash on one cheek and across his forehead too. I took him to the doctor and he has a virus called slap cheek. I had never heard of it before. Thankfully it's not serious for him but gee he is not a happy camper.

As for me things are going fine following my surgery. My GYN said that some cramping and bleeding following the surgery is normal and it can often take two to three months to settle. I have had both bleeding and cramping but nothing major and I am feeling pretty good.

Love to you all.
Jo xoxoxox

Thankful for the past

I have been feeling a bit reflective and it has got me thinking about how it is so easy to spend our time being anxious about the future or angry or upset about the present. Sometimes our past gets a bit forgotten by what is going on right now or what is about to happen. I am trying to focus right now on being thankful for what is in my past rather than being nervous about what is coming. I am so thankful beyond words that I have Xavier. The more that my life unfolds the more I realise just how miraculous he is. I watch people and hear about people going through try after try of IVF with no success, and here Joel and I are with a beautiful little boy who we were blessed with on our first try of IVF. I think back to when we went to pay for our very first IVF cycle. We handed over a big cheque, and were handed a big bag of drugs and syringes and wished "Good luck!" by a smiling receptionist. The experience I remember was really strange and I hated it. It made me feel like a weirdo. But then to think this magnificent boy came out of all of that is just amazing. Thankyou Lord!


And something else I am thankful for is the experience of pregnancy and of giving birth. If any of you knew me in real life while I was going through my pregnancy that statement would make you laugh. I was so sick and kept being put on bedrest which i hated. I couldn't go into a supermarket because seeing so much food made me vomit. If you wondered where I was, you could probably guess in two guesses max. I was either in the bathroom throwing up, or asleep in bed with my cat. But you know what? I look back on it with such fondness. I never thought that would be the case at the time, but it is. When I was on bedrest I had to be looked after because of course I couldn't get out of bed. Because I wasn't working, Joel couldn't stop working and so I spent a lot of time at my Mum's and she took care of me. A lot of hours were spent on Mum's couch watching DVD's or just chatting, she drove me around from place to place for my OB appointments and so forth. I was determined to do my Christmas shopping myself so I did a lot of it online. When I think back to all that it seems magical and I can't believe I was so lucky to have that happen to me, because while a lot of people would hear that story and just think "wow you poor thing, how inconvenient and how sick you must have been!" I just think of that special time of my life when I was waiting to meet my son.

I remember the nights I couldn't sleep and would get up and have a bath, because the warm water settled my sick tummy. Sometimes it would be two in the morning, or three or four. There was something magical about sitting in a bathtub while all the world was still asleep and watching your son's foot move across your belly. I remember the night before he was born. I was laying in my hospital bed and touching my belly. I could feel his foot pressed up against it, and I could feel each individual toe with my hand. I shed a few tears that this would be his last night in my tummy, and thought "I can't wait to meet you tomorrow and see those toes!". I even remember simply all the quality time I got to spend with my mother and I am grateful for that. We would watch movies and she would drive me places. We went shopping for a pram and for clothes for both me and the baby. Sometimes if our movie watching would run too late into the night I would sleep over. Joel always said he missed me in bed but really I know it gave him a much needed break from me taking up all the room, and getting up 50 times a night to pee or to vomit or because I had heartburn.

I am so happy Lord that you let me have all these things. Sometimes it is easy when I see people around me have those things again and again, and I only get them once, to feel cheated or mad. But I am not cheated, I am so so so blessed and so so so thankful. Those things might not be ahead of me again in the future, but thankyou that you saw fit to let me have them once so that they are now part of my history.

Yes I am alive

Hi everyone. This is just a quick one because I have not posted in a while and I bet you are all starting to wonder where I have disappeared to! I am doing fine. I haven't posted because it has been so crazy here. Xavier has been very sick for quite a while with raging fevers etc. He has had an upper respiratory infection. He has been very clingy, and rightly so as my poor munchkin has been just miserable and very sick. He is on the mend now thankfully. Just as he is getting better, I went into hospital yesterday and had my surgery. It all went well. There was talk for awhile that I may have to go in for blood transfusions prior to the surgery due to my low iron levels. Thankfully I was able to raise my iron levels enough with supplements and didn't need the transfusions. I was very grateful for that not being added to my list of things to stress over.

I am a little sore now and was home today resting. Very tired from the anesthetic. The doctor said I should be fine for work on Monday so it will be good that the recovery is so short. I am having trouble bending and picking up Xavier so that is getting me down a bit. Joel is helping a lot though and has cut back his work load to help me with him. Strangely I feel very content with my decision to have the device fitted. I officially can't get pregnant right now until the device is removed in a few years, at which time we may choose to pursue TTC again or just simply have another device fitted in its place. I expected to feel sad and to cry but I don't feel sad and I don't feel the need to cry. I feel thankful and peaceful that this is over and that hopefully the bleeding I have been battling for so long is now not something I need to worry about. I am looking forward to feeling healthy and energetic - something I have not felt in so long now.

Thanks so much to all of you for the messages of support you have left me. I will catch up on all your blogs in the next couple of days. I have been so behind the 8 ball.

Love Jo xoxoxo

It's hard to blog right now

In the past few weeks since my last entry I have tried to write a new post. Something inspirational, something uplifting, something to help those that need it. Anything really! I have started typing, deleted it, started again, saved it, tried to come back to it, and still deleted it. The fact is I don't know what to say. I have been so disappointed by the news that Tammy and Mark faced recently. I don't think there are better people put on this earth than this wonderful couple. They have come through every obstacle thrown at them. Mark's health, many BFN's, a failed round of IVF, having to find donor embryos and all the waiting that involved. They have come through all these challenges with flying colours and been so patient because of the faith they have in God's plan. I expected that they would be rightly rewarded when they got the results of their donor cycle. After their sad news recently though, it has really left me questioning God and wondering why does it have to be them enduring all this heartache. Why can't God choose someone horrible to give all the bad luck to? haha. You are a beautiful person Tammy and a wonderful friend. I am continuing to pray for you as well as all the other mothers to be in waiting who are hurting. I remember all to well what it is like to be in that position.

What also makes it harder to write is the fact that I have been going through a little hard patch myself recently because of my upcoming surgery. I'm ok it is just naturally a little nerve wracking and also a little sad too obviously. The fact that I feel sad makes me feel like a jerk because I already have a baby and so I feel guilty to admit that some days that is how I feel. Sometimes it is easy when you see all the people out there with two babies, or three or four, or those people with stories of getting pregnant accidentally while taking the pill because they are just sooo fertile, to feel very cheated by the fact that you only get one baby. Not that I am not appreciative of the gift I have been given in my son. I am appreciative every day!! It's just that i wonder why so many other people get so many more gifts of children, and yet I am limited to one. Then I feel like a spoiled kid at Christmas complaining she only got one Barbie doll when the kid that lives next door got two, and I feel like a rotten person. Some days too when Xavier is teething or sick and is crying/ unsettled it becomes so tiring and when he finally goes to bed I am glad to sit down and have a break. Then suddenly I start feeling guilty for wanting to have a break when I know there are so many other people out there dying to step into my shoes. It is a lot of pressure to put on oneself. My husband says not to be so hard on myself and that just because I am human and I get tired and like a moment to myself now and then, doesn't mean I am not eternally grateful.

I think this post is really jumbled and doesn't really make sense. I apologise if it comes across as mindless chatter but at least I am writing something! Lots of love to everyone. Please rest assured I have been reading and keeping up with all your blogs - hurting with those that are hurting and rejoicing with those that are rejoicing. May God bless all of you - not matter what position you may be in. xoxoxoxoxo