Xavier has been seeing a speech therapist since last year to help him with his communication. Yes he is 2 and a half, I hear you say, but up untill now his communication has been in the form of gesturing/pointing and grunting. He does say some words, but not really in a conversation form. When he talks it is more that he is pointing something out to me and has learnt the corresponding word to that item - like he will point to his shoe and say "shoe" or to a tree and say "tree". There are a few things that he has learnt by imitation as well, like when he tells my mum and dad's dog to "sit" and when Dad and I took Xavier shopping for my mum's birthday handbag and my dad taught him the "go team" thing. Other than those things, when he tries to communicate with me he will point and grunt. If he wants a drink, for example he will take my hand and lead me to the fridge, then tap on the fridge and grunt - he doesn't actually come out and say "I want a drink". A two and a half year old should be able to hold a basic conversation. You should be able to ask them what they want on a sandwich and they should be able to think about the options and choose one, for example. Many tantrums have resulted over the past few months when the pointing and grunting haven't been quite enough for me to establish what exactly Xavier wants. It is very frustrating for both him and me, so the speech therapist has been working with us so that I can teach him to actually verbalise what he wants or needs. We have been using hand signs and picture boards for him to point to, which really have helped a lot.
You can imagine my delight the other day when Xavier pointed to a tub of yoghurt in our fridge and said so clearly "I want that". I nearly fell over with surprise! I picked up the yoghurt and asked him "You want this? You want some yoghurt?" and he said "want yoghurt". Well I got that lid off the yoghurt and got him a spoon quick smart, and when he saw that his need had been met he squealed in delight and clapped. It was like a lightbulb moment for him, and I tell you what, it made my week!!
Friday, June 17, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Xavier has an MRI
I can't remember if I posted about this or not, but back at the start of this year when we swapped Xavier's paediatrician, the new paed suggested that Xavier should have an MRI. Because he has delays in several areas including his motor skills and speech and his balance seems to be affected the paed thought it would be irresponsible not to check and make sure everything was OK with his brain. This all sounded incredibly scary to me and over the top, so I asked our GP and also the opinion of Xavier's eye specialist, speech therapist and physiotherapist. They all whole heartedly agreed that an MRI was a good idea. The way everyone put it was that having the MRI was crossing anything nasty off the list. They said it wasn't a big deal, we do the MRI, everything goes fine and then we never have to worry about that again. So I agreed and put him on the wait list. We went last Weds to the children's hospital here in Melbourne and Xavier had his brain MRI. Because obviously a two and a half year old is not capable of lying still for the half hour that it takes to have the scan, Xav had to have a light anesthetic. He handled it all fine though and we were home by lunchtime.
On Friday Xavier's paed rang because we had made an appointment for June 30 to go see him to discuss the MRI results, but he had received the results already and they showed that everything was completely normal, and he didn't see the point in making us wait for that news. We were both very happy to have a clear MRI result but the paed was still cautious about things. He said that while he totally agrees this is a great result, he wants us to still realise that we still don't know the reason for Xavier's delays and we still have to keep working with him and keep exploring things. We have kept the appointment for June 30 to speak with him further.
I must admit some days I do worry about Xavier. He is a delight to us every day, we love him more than words can say, and we just want good things for him. Some days Joel and I will watch him do something, or be playing with him and he blows us away with something clever that he does. We both turn to each other and marvel at how well he is doing and how there is nothing at all wrong with him - that he is a normal happy kid. Then other days there are obvious concerns. I take him to a baby music class every Tuesday because he enjoys the activities and I think the socialisation is good. The instrument playing is also good for his co-ordination and motor skills. I completely know that one should not expect there child to be like other children because everyone is different. But there are about 10 other kids in the group that are the same age and I feel like Xavier is not like any of them. While the class holds their attention and they can follow each instruction and interact with the teacher, Xav seems oblivious to the fact that there is any structure. He just wanders around the room and does his own thing. The other kids look at him all puzzled wondering what he is doing, and I have seen other mum's giving both him and I some odd looks. Because it is winter here, several times over the last few weeks it has rained outside while we were at music group. The rain has been a total distraction for Xavier each time, and he has completely abandoned class to sit at the window and watch the rain. I have mentioned a few of these things to the paed and he says it is too early to make assumptions on this behaviour and that he will be able to be more accurately assessed once he is 4 or 5.
It is a really confusing time right now. I remember before having children I would wonder how I would cope if my child had a disability or a special need. I always knew it would make no difference in terms of my love for the child, and it absolutely does not. I always thought it would be incredibly hard, but really all these appointments and extra work are just things that need to be done, so you do them and you don't think much of it. One thing is for sure though - even if Xavier does end up having "something wrong with him" I still think he is perfect and I would still wish for more Xavier's in my life.
On Friday Xavier's paed rang because we had made an appointment for June 30 to go see him to discuss the MRI results, but he had received the results already and they showed that everything was completely normal, and he didn't see the point in making us wait for that news. We were both very happy to have a clear MRI result but the paed was still cautious about things. He said that while he totally agrees this is a great result, he wants us to still realise that we still don't know the reason for Xavier's delays and we still have to keep working with him and keep exploring things. We have kept the appointment for June 30 to speak with him further.
I must admit some days I do worry about Xavier. He is a delight to us every day, we love him more than words can say, and we just want good things for him. Some days Joel and I will watch him do something, or be playing with him and he blows us away with something clever that he does. We both turn to each other and marvel at how well he is doing and how there is nothing at all wrong with him - that he is a normal happy kid. Then other days there are obvious concerns. I take him to a baby music class every Tuesday because he enjoys the activities and I think the socialisation is good. The instrument playing is also good for his co-ordination and motor skills. I completely know that one should not expect there child to be like other children because everyone is different. But there are about 10 other kids in the group that are the same age and I feel like Xavier is not like any of them. While the class holds their attention and they can follow each instruction and interact with the teacher, Xav seems oblivious to the fact that there is any structure. He just wanders around the room and does his own thing. The other kids look at him all puzzled wondering what he is doing, and I have seen other mum's giving both him and I some odd looks. Because it is winter here, several times over the last few weeks it has rained outside while we were at music group. The rain has been a total distraction for Xavier each time, and he has completely abandoned class to sit at the window and watch the rain. I have mentioned a few of these things to the paed and he says it is too early to make assumptions on this behaviour and that he will be able to be more accurately assessed once he is 4 or 5.
It is a really confusing time right now. I remember before having children I would wonder how I would cope if my child had a disability or a special need. I always knew it would make no difference in terms of my love for the child, and it absolutely does not. I always thought it would be incredibly hard, but really all these appointments and extra work are just things that need to be done, so you do them and you don't think much of it. One thing is for sure though - even if Xavier does end up having "something wrong with him" I still think he is perfect and I would still wish for more Xavier's in my life.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Confidence (and an update)
I'll start with the update - just wanted to say that Mum's birthday dinner went well and she loved the gift that we got her. My sister didn't show up to the dinner - she called about an hour prior and said that she and her boyfriend couldn't make it as he had been called into work, and if he doesn't accept work then they won't call him in again and they really need the income. I was disappointed for Mum but she was OK about it and actually was happy they were making a responsible choice to work. Also my sister and her boyfriend came over to Mum and Dad's house the next day for lunch so at least she made an effort to see Mum for her bday. A lot of the time my sister just doesn't acknowledge the event so it was good she came and gave Mum a gift and wished her well. I have to admit I was a teeny bit pleased for myself not to have to deal with my sister on the night though as selfish as that sounds. A bit of news though regarding my sister - remember quite a while ago when she said she was pregnant and carried on the story for ages and then it turned out she was making it up? I think I wrote about this on my old blog. Well when she went to Mum and Dad's house for lunch the other day, she told Mum she is 16 weeks pregnant. Mum and Dad both brought up the fact that she had told them lies about being pregnant before and asked them was she really being truthful this time and she assured them she was telling the truth. I am trying to take it with a grain of salt because I am so used to her stories but part of me is wondering if there is any truth to it. I will keep you posted.
Now for my post..
I am starting to realise how much my infertility struggles have shattered my self confidence. Especially when it comes to parenting, but surprisingly in most areas of life. I am trying to go back in time mentally to try to pin point what exactly it was that caused this and I am finding a great deal of possible culprits. I originally thought it was because of the miscarriage, but as I think back I realise this feeling of hopelessness stretches back a long way. Until I really thought about it, I hadn't realised how negative my memories of the whole TTC - becoming a Mum journey are. Here is how my story runs in my head:
Couldn't get pregnant, had to have IVF. Finally got pregnant, was incredibly sick, couldn't have a natural birth, had to have a C section. Couldn't breastfeed. Did IVF again, got pregnant but miscarried. Then my son has to have help for developmental delays. For some reason all this stuff has collected and has caused me to feel quite down sometimes and also to doubt my mothering skills and other capabilities. I don't know why this has happened and deep down I know it's not true. You can tell me all you like that I am a good mother and that all those things weren't my fault. Most of the time I will nod and tell you truthfully that I know that. But sometimes I do get quite depressed over it.
When I had the miscarriage I saw a counsellor and went for maybe 3 sessions and decided to stop. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't helping and that i didn't need it. I have gone through life since then with the theory that if I don't think about things then they won't upset me and I'll be OK. Most of the time this has worked, but on the odd occasion I have found the thoughts catch up to you and leave you in a big heap. Then you get up again and are fine again for another few months. Lately though, the times when I am left in a heap by all these emotions are becoming more frequent. Don't get me wrong, I am OK, but I do have my moments when I just want to sit and cry and yet I don't know what exactly I am crying for. I am thinking the time has come to revisit counselling. What has also thrown me for six is that in the last 2 months Joel has done a complete turn around and told me he would like another baby. He says if I don't feel like I am in the right place then it's OK but it's something he would like to think about. I do want another baby more than anything, but I never thought it would be an option so I have gone a long way towards making my peace with being a one child Mum. As great as it is to think of getting to have another child, it is taking me a lot of courage to even think about putting myself back in danger of being hurt by all the highs and lows that infertility bring. Anyway, I just wanted to vent on that. Lots of Love and thanks! Jo xoxoxo
Now for my post..
I am starting to realise how much my infertility struggles have shattered my self confidence. Especially when it comes to parenting, but surprisingly in most areas of life. I am trying to go back in time mentally to try to pin point what exactly it was that caused this and I am finding a great deal of possible culprits. I originally thought it was because of the miscarriage, but as I think back I realise this feeling of hopelessness stretches back a long way. Until I really thought about it, I hadn't realised how negative my memories of the whole TTC - becoming a Mum journey are. Here is how my story runs in my head:
Couldn't get pregnant, had to have IVF. Finally got pregnant, was incredibly sick, couldn't have a natural birth, had to have a C section. Couldn't breastfeed. Did IVF again, got pregnant but miscarried. Then my son has to have help for developmental delays. For some reason all this stuff has collected and has caused me to feel quite down sometimes and also to doubt my mothering skills and other capabilities. I don't know why this has happened and deep down I know it's not true. You can tell me all you like that I am a good mother and that all those things weren't my fault. Most of the time I will nod and tell you truthfully that I know that. But sometimes I do get quite depressed over it.
When I had the miscarriage I saw a counsellor and went for maybe 3 sessions and decided to stop. I came to the conclusion that it wasn't helping and that i didn't need it. I have gone through life since then with the theory that if I don't think about things then they won't upset me and I'll be OK. Most of the time this has worked, but on the odd occasion I have found the thoughts catch up to you and leave you in a big heap. Then you get up again and are fine again for another few months. Lately though, the times when I am left in a heap by all these emotions are becoming more frequent. Don't get me wrong, I am OK, but I do have my moments when I just want to sit and cry and yet I don't know what exactly I am crying for. I am thinking the time has come to revisit counselling. What has also thrown me for six is that in the last 2 months Joel has done a complete turn around and told me he would like another baby. He says if I don't feel like I am in the right place then it's OK but it's something he would like to think about. I do want another baby more than anything, but I never thought it would be an option so I have gone a long way towards making my peace with being a one child Mum. As great as it is to think of getting to have another child, it is taking me a lot of courage to even think about putting myself back in danger of being hurt by all the highs and lows that infertility bring. Anyway, I just wanted to vent on that. Lots of Love and thanks! Jo xoxoxo
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My mum's birthday present
I have to tell you all about the shopping trip I had with my Dad recently. Remember it was my Dad's 60th birthday back in Feb and we had a party? Well May 20 is my Mum's 60th. She is not having a party, more a small dinner. She has chosen a restaurant and Mum, Dad, Joel, Xav and I plus my Gran (Mum's mum) and a few of Mum's friends are getting together for dinner. Yes my sister is invited but I will get to that in a minute.
My Mum and Dad never exchange gifts for birthdays or Christmas. I think it's odd myself (I would kill Joel if I didn't get a gift!!) but they are more "activity" people rather than "gift giving" people. What I mean is that if it's Mum's birthday my Dad won't get her a present but he will spoil her for the day - he'll cook her breakfast, take her to a movie, take her out to dinner etc. Mum will do the same sorts of things for Dad. Regardless of this, when it was Dad's 60th Mum felt that since it was a big birthday and there would be a party etc that she should get him a present. So now that Mum's 60th is approaching Dad came and asked me what did I think he should get for my Mum. Mum had mentioned to me that she wanted a new handbag as her old one was wearing out. So Dad and I got the idea to put our money together and buy her something really special together. So last week Dad, Xavier and I went shopping for a handbag and purse set for Mum.
To start with it was difficult to convince Dad to drive the extra 15 min to the larger shopping centre where they have better shops and a larger choice of bags and purses. Dad wanted to go to our local shopping centre which we live about 5 min from (Mum and Dad live very close to us). Not that he wouldn't go that far and make the effort, but he just didn't get what the difference was. I had to explain that while our local centre only had 2 bag stores that were small, the other larger centre had at least 5 - one of which was massive - and that if we went to the bigger centre we were likely to only need to go to that one massive store and would most probably find what we were looking for really quickly. So with my Dad on board off we went to the bigger mall.
When we got to the store we wanted to go to Dad and I both split up and looked around. Xav wouldn't come with me, he wanted to go with his Pop! I located a beautiful bag really quickly that I thought Mum would love. I went to find Dad and Xav who were together on the other side of the store, to show Dad what I had found and see what he thought. Dad had in his hand a bag that I knew my Mum would hate. My Mum is very conservative and the bag my Dad had chosen was little and shiny with a big gold clip on the front. It had a tiny little handle, a pattern around the trim, and you know on the Chanel bags how they have the embelem with the C's on them? Well this was not a Chanel bag but it had some type of big embelem on it. And I know it's not about money but I have to say the bag also was pretty cheap. Dad, however, was beaming like he had struck gold and was really proud of himself.
I kept saying it was a nice bag, not wanting to crush his spirit on his first ever handbag shopping trip, but I was searching for a way to steer him away from it. I ended up saying something along the lines of "Wow dad, what a shame that bag only has a little handle. Mum likes a long strap so she can put the bag on her shoulder like this (I demonstrated with the bag I was holding). But Wow it's a great choice, if only it had the longer strap, that would be the one for sure." It was true what I said about Mum wanting a longer strap, and seeing me with the bag on my shoulder jogged his memory and he said "ah yes, that is how your Mum wears her bag". He then looked at my choice and liked it a lot so we then decided to look for a purse to match.
My Mum and Dad never exchange gifts for birthdays or Christmas. I think it's odd myself (I would kill Joel if I didn't get a gift!!) but they are more "activity" people rather than "gift giving" people. What I mean is that if it's Mum's birthday my Dad won't get her a present but he will spoil her for the day - he'll cook her breakfast, take her to a movie, take her out to dinner etc. Mum will do the same sorts of things for Dad. Regardless of this, when it was Dad's 60th Mum felt that since it was a big birthday and there would be a party etc that she should get him a present. So now that Mum's 60th is approaching Dad came and asked me what did I think he should get for my Mum. Mum had mentioned to me that she wanted a new handbag as her old one was wearing out. So Dad and I got the idea to put our money together and buy her something really special together. So last week Dad, Xavier and I went shopping for a handbag and purse set for Mum.
To start with it was difficult to convince Dad to drive the extra 15 min to the larger shopping centre where they have better shops and a larger choice of bags and purses. Dad wanted to go to our local shopping centre which we live about 5 min from (Mum and Dad live very close to us). Not that he wouldn't go that far and make the effort, but he just didn't get what the difference was. I had to explain that while our local centre only had 2 bag stores that were small, the other larger centre had at least 5 - one of which was massive - and that if we went to the bigger centre we were likely to only need to go to that one massive store and would most probably find what we were looking for really quickly. So with my Dad on board off we went to the bigger mall.
When we got to the store we wanted to go to Dad and I both split up and looked around. Xav wouldn't come with me, he wanted to go with his Pop! I located a beautiful bag really quickly that I thought Mum would love. I went to find Dad and Xav who were together on the other side of the store, to show Dad what I had found and see what he thought. Dad had in his hand a bag that I knew my Mum would hate. My Mum is very conservative and the bag my Dad had chosen was little and shiny with a big gold clip on the front. It had a tiny little handle, a pattern around the trim, and you know on the Chanel bags how they have the embelem with the C's on them? Well this was not a Chanel bag but it had some type of big embelem on it. And I know it's not about money but I have to say the bag also was pretty cheap. Dad, however, was beaming like he had struck gold and was really proud of himself.
I kept saying it was a nice bag, not wanting to crush his spirit on his first ever handbag shopping trip, but I was searching for a way to steer him away from it. I ended up saying something along the lines of "Wow dad, what a shame that bag only has a little handle. Mum likes a long strap so she can put the bag on her shoulder like this (I demonstrated with the bag I was holding). But Wow it's a great choice, if only it had the longer strap, that would be the one for sure." It was true what I said about Mum wanting a longer strap, and seeing me with the bag on my shoulder jogged his memory and he said "ah yes, that is how your Mum wears her bag". He then looked at my choice and liked it a lot so we then decided to look for a purse to match.
Dad really put his all into finding her a purse. He held up one that was lovely, had lots of compartments which Mum loves, was a good price and the right colour. The only thing was that the leather was a different leather to the bag we had chosen. But he had put so effort in and we had gone with my choice for the bag that I really felt we should go for the purse. I don't think Mum will mind the purse doesn't exactly match once I explain. So we paid for our purchase and it's really lovely because Dad is still so happy that he felt involved in the choosing. Everytime he sees me now he will bring up our shopping trip and what a good team we made. Then he will give Xavier and I a high five and Xavier will yell "Go Team!!" which Dad taught him. It's really sweet, and if it's the thought that counts when you give a gift, I think my Mum will be very happy.
As for what I was saying regarding my sister, do you remember me writing about the scene she made at my Dad's party? On the day of Dad's party she told Mum it was because Dad made her feel left out. As the weeks and months have gone by the story has changed and now the reason she got upset and made a scene was because it was me that made her feel left out, because apparently I was "flaunting that I am close with our parents". I'm not sure how I did that considering I had no contact with her for the day and just went about my business and mingled with people. I did say a speech at the party and thanked everyone for coming and wished my Dad a happy birthday. I also came to the party before everyone as I brought the cake and helped Mum decorate with balloons etc. Maybe it was one of those two things that made her feel that way, although I can't see how that would affect her. Anyway she told mum that in the future, she didn't want to come anywhere that I would be. As much as I prefer to keep my distance from her, I do want her to come to family functions for my parents sake. I don't believe I caused any problems for her at Dad's party and as far as I was concerned she deserved to be there. She told Mum recently that she wouldn't be able to come to Mum's bday dinner because I would be there. Then all of a sudden last week she changed her mind and says she will now come because "why should I stop her from attending Mum's 60th birthday". I have no idea why she feels I am stopping her. I certainly wasn't doing anything of the sort. So at this stage she is coming and Mum is pleased. I hope there are no scenes like at Dad's!! I'll keep you posted!
Love Jo xoxoxo
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Royal IVF...
I got swept up in the hype of the Royal wedding last week and really looked forward to watching it. I loved it! The bride looked elegant, I loved the dress, thought Harry was hilarious, thought William was obviously besotted with his Princess, which was very touching. It was all lovely, and a nice change from the "bad news" we seem to so often hear in the news these days.
I had a funny thought though, that I wanted to share with you all. So much hype is resting on this couple - William and Kate - to have children so there can be an heir to the throne. A large part of their wedding service was a prayer asking the Lord to bless them with the gift of children. I know children are an important part of a lot of marriages and unions out there, but I can't remember being to a wedding before, where having children was such a standout issue. Then that made me wonder what would happen if they couldn't have kids. I feel it would be such pressure and 10 times more heartbreaking for a royal to suffer from infertility than "regular people". I wonder whether if IVF was needed would it be "allowed" or frowned upon? Would it be advertised or would it be something that people would feel the need to cover up?
I have no idea to the answers of these questions, but I kind of have an inkling that it might be a bit of taboo. I have to say that while I watched the royal wedding and enjoyed it, a small part of me was just a little bit glad I did not have to be a princess with that sort of expectation on me! Hopefully though, this is not an issue for William and Kate and I wish them a long and happy life, with as many children in their future as they desire.
Have a great week everyone! xoxo
I had a funny thought though, that I wanted to share with you all. So much hype is resting on this couple - William and Kate - to have children so there can be an heir to the throne. A large part of their wedding service was a prayer asking the Lord to bless them with the gift of children. I know children are an important part of a lot of marriages and unions out there, but I can't remember being to a wedding before, where having children was such a standout issue. Then that made me wonder what would happen if they couldn't have kids. I feel it would be such pressure and 10 times more heartbreaking for a royal to suffer from infertility than "regular people". I wonder whether if IVF was needed would it be "allowed" or frowned upon? Would it be advertised or would it be something that people would feel the need to cover up?
I have no idea to the answers of these questions, but I kind of have an inkling that it might be a bit of taboo. I have to say that while I watched the royal wedding and enjoyed it, a small part of me was just a little bit glad I did not have to be a princess with that sort of expectation on me! Hopefully though, this is not an issue for William and Kate and I wish them a long and happy life, with as many children in their future as they desire.
Have a great week everyone! xoxo
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
My angry anniversary
I have found it pretty hard to get this post out - but it's been on my mind for a little while now. I'll do my best! A few years ago now on Good Friday I gave my heart to Jesus and became a Christian. I am terrible with dates and times etc so I now just count Good Friday as my anniversary even though the date varies each year. At the time, I was going through a whole lot of hard things - issues with my sister, issues with infertility and I was feeling very lost, alone and unsettled. A friend of mine suggested I come to her church sometime. She sings in the church choir and often leads the choir in solos etc - she's a great singer - and she sort of used that to get me to church, as in "why don't you come and hear me sing..." I was happy to go, and very quickly found a place there. I went every week for quite some time, and began to learn more about God. Good Friday came and I was invited to attend a baptism which was taking place before the service on Good Friday morning. It was so powerful and I was enthralled. Then as part of the church service later on the pastor got everyone in the room to close their eyes and asked that anyone who was not a Christian but who would like to make the step, to please put their hand in the air for him to see. I found myself putting my hand up and I was the only one who did. After the service concluded and everyone was mingling and having tea and coffee, the pastor came and found me and spoke to me, and then asked me into a quiet room where we spoke further and prayed together and then I asked Jesus to come into my heart. It was a very powerful moment in my life and I shed tears while making this pledge. Since then I really have felt like a changed person. I have had my ups and downs and have lost my way a few times, but have always managed to find the way back to God in the end. I know my life has been all the better because God is now a part of it.
Last week though, I faced a tough time when Good Friday rolled around for another year, only to find myself very confused about God's will. Most of you will know of the beautiful Tammy, who after 7 years of disappointing BFN's finally received her BFP last Monday, only to have it be taken away 2 days later when her beta dropped. I am struggling to make sense of it, and I am sorry to say I feel not only confused, but kinda angry at God. Then on Good Friday itself I woke to the news on TV saying that a little girl who had gone missing last year - her parents had reported her abducted in a very highly publicised case - had been found dead overnight, and her parents had been arrested over the murder. Then I was very angry! All day, one word kept going through my head: "why???" Why do people like that get to have kids when good people like Tammy have to struggle? I don't understand! It is so very hard when God's will does not seem to match our own. I really hope God's will does become apparent soon, and that Tammy's baby will come into her life in some way, and that we all then are able to say "a ha!!! So that's what He had in mind!! That makes sense!!"
Tammy I know you must be in a lot of pain right now - and I am thinking of you always and praying for your peace. I know it probably doesn't come to you as much comfort now, but please know from my own experience that once you do have your baby in your arms it is going to make sense to you. Every tear and every heartbreak will all seem to fit together into a neat little puzzle that all seems relevant because it led to your child. Right now though, while you await that moment, please take care of yourself and find comfort in knowing that you have friends to help you through. xoxo
Last week though, I faced a tough time when Good Friday rolled around for another year, only to find myself very confused about God's will. Most of you will know of the beautiful Tammy, who after 7 years of disappointing BFN's finally received her BFP last Monday, only to have it be taken away 2 days later when her beta dropped. I am struggling to make sense of it, and I am sorry to say I feel not only confused, but kinda angry at God. Then on Good Friday itself I woke to the news on TV saying that a little girl who had gone missing last year - her parents had reported her abducted in a very highly publicised case - had been found dead overnight, and her parents had been arrested over the murder. Then I was very angry! All day, one word kept going through my head: "why???" Why do people like that get to have kids when good people like Tammy have to struggle? I don't understand! It is so very hard when God's will does not seem to match our own. I really hope God's will does become apparent soon, and that Tammy's baby will come into her life in some way, and that we all then are able to say "a ha!!! So that's what He had in mind!! That makes sense!!"
Tammy I know you must be in a lot of pain right now - and I am thinking of you always and praying for your peace. I know it probably doesn't come to you as much comfort now, but please know from my own experience that once you do have your baby in your arms it is going to make sense to you. Every tear and every heartbreak will all seem to fit together into a neat little puzzle that all seems relevant because it led to your child. Right now though, while you await that moment, please take care of yourself and find comfort in knowing that you have friends to help you through. xoxo
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Family update
My last post was about my frustration with my Dad and I feel bad about the vent now that I have spent the day with Xavier, at my Mum and Dad's house and found out a few things about what is going on in their world right now. Apparently my sister has been in trouble again and has had to go back to court. They have been quite devastated about it. You might remember that when I was pregnant with Xavier - just 3 weeks before he was due - my sister was arrested for stealing money from her work. A few months later she had to appear in court where she plead guilty to theft charges and supposedly had learnt her lesson. Mum and Dad were absolutely gutted over it. Mum was in tears constantly when the arrest happened. Because I was already struggling with blood pressure problems among other things in the pregnancy, Joel and I think the stress that this caused everyone was one of the contributing factors towards me having to be placed in hospital 2 days after my sister was arrested. I was having trouble sleeping, my mum was bursting into tears every two minutes, and then I went to my OB appointment and found my blood pressure was at a dangerous level and I got admitted to hospital where I stayed til Xavier was born. So now we were very disappointed to learn that recently my sister apparently had to make another court appearance for welfare cheating. Apparently she was declaring things that weren't true to gain more money. When I was over at my parents house today my mum had to go to the store to get a few things and Xavier was having a nap, so my dad and I got to spend some time together alone. He started talking and really opening up about all the stuff they have gone through with my sister and how much he is hurt and distraught over it. He doesn't really open up much about feelings so this was a rare insight into his mind. He said he is ashamed of my sister's actions and doesn't know where he went wrong with her. He misses her children (his grandchildren obviously) because as I have mentioned before, we now don't get to see them and havent for the last 2 years. He said lately he has been having trouble sleeping as he has been dreaming of the children - nothing bad just that they are visiting and spending time with my mum and dad, and then he wakes up again and misses them. He then said that as much as he dislikes my sister's ex, he is glad the kids are with him because when they were with my sister they weren't treated like kids should be. At least now they have a stable home and all the necessities they need in life. Dad said if he has to sacrifice seeing them in order for their life to be better by living with their dad then that is what he thinks should happen. I felt so sad for my Dad and never realised how depressed he has been over all the stuff that has happened. I guess that could be why he is taking things so hard with Xavier. He probably doesn't want to think about anything being wrong. He just wants to believe everything is perfect with Xavier because in his mind I guess it probably is.
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